1 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:06,000 CLOCK TICKS I remember I had a watch. 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,200 I remember I... 3 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,540 I'd cracked the glass on my watch. 4 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:18,860 And I kept thinking I was playing with time. 5 00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:21,580 And I would say, "It's not 5:00 in the morning, 6 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:25,060 "I'm going to make it 2:00 in the afternoon." 7 00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,900 Thinking... 8 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,260 I'm not part of... 9 00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,340 ..the normal... 10 00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:34,180 ..world - I'm separating myself off from the normal world. 11 00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:38,140 I'm making my own reality. 12 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:42,980 The actor David Harewood is probably best known for his roles in the big 13 00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:46,420 budget TV shows like Homeland, Supergirl, and The Night Manager. 14 00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:47,980 But we all have our demons. 15 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:51,060 Homeland star revealed last year that he suffered a mental breakdown 16 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:53,020 at the beginning of his career. 17 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,500 I am very, very open about it 18 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:57,460 but of course I hadn't realised that I hadn't gone public. 19 00:00:57,460 --> 00:01:00,420 I don't always remember that I'm supposed to be famous 20 00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:02,420 or well-known so I just tweet things out. 21 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:05,820 Like, 25,000 retweets and I did have a bit of a panic 22 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:09,140 cos I suddenly thought... "Oops"? "What am I..." Right... 23 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:12,060 "So, it's World Mental Health Day today, so as someone who's 24 00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:15,020 "had a breakdown and was sectioned in my 20s, I'm here to tell you 25 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:17,700 "that there's no shame in talking about it if you're struggling. 26 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:20,060 "I haven't done too bad since. 27 00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:22,860 "Go easy on yourself today, and get some help if you can." 28 00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:30,060 30 years ago, I had a period of psychosis. 29 00:01:30,060 --> 00:01:32,380 And I lost my mind. 30 00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:39,620 It's a period that is kind of scary because... 31 00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:42,980 ..I don't remember huge chunks. 32 00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:47,060 I've always wondered what happened to me. 33 00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:50,380 I'm not bouncing off the walls. 34 00:01:50,380 --> 00:01:53,380 I'm perfectly stable, married, two beautiful kids, 35 00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:56,540 very, very happy, successful... 36 00:01:56,540 --> 00:01:58,900 But I was sectioned. 37 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:02,500 You know, I was in a mental institution, locked away. 38 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:09,100 I'm wondering, what the hell was it all about? 39 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:12,140 Maybe I'll find some answers. 40 00:02:26,940 --> 00:02:29,860 When we talk about psychosis, 41 00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:31,260 there's still that stigma. 42 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,100 Even I say, "I had a breakdown." 43 00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:40,900 If somebody was to say somebody's psychotic, you would instantly think that they're crazy, dangerous, 44 00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:43,900 a mad sort of raving loony... 45 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,820 You know, that that's what we think when we talk about psychosis. 46 00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:54,700 I remember going for long walks and I remember waking up, 47 00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,860 or coming to, becoming lucid, walking down Tottenham Court Road. 48 00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:00,460 And I'd be, like... 49 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,260 "What am I doing here? 50 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:05,020 "I'm sure I was at home ten minutes ago. 51 00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:06,380 "I'd better go home." 52 00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:08,860 And I'd start walking home. 53 00:03:08,860 --> 00:03:10,700 I'd sort of black out and next thing I know, 54 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:14,860 it would be 2:00 in the morning and I'd be walking through Camden. 55 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:17,580 I had so much energy. 56 00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:20,820 I'd be buzzing out of my mind. 57 00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:23,940 Everything became... 58 00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:26,300 ..kind of visceral and just seeing the sunrise was, like, 59 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:31,140 "Wow, look at the sun come up, I'm at the start of everyone's day." 60 00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:33,820 So, I was kind of almost saying hello to everybody in the morning. 61 00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:35,980 I'd be like, "Morning, morning! 62 00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:37,740 "What a great day!" 63 00:03:37,740 --> 00:03:41,700 So, it all just became, like, "I can do anything. 64 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,500 "I can be anybody. 65 00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:44,700 "Do anything." 66 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:48,900 People say, "Crazy people hear voices." 67 00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:51,700 MAN SCREAMING I heard voices. 68 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:54,140 And it was clear as a bell in my head. 69 00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:55,420 PEOPLE SPEAKING 70 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,780 Next thing I remember was waking up... 71 00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:06,700 ..on a locked ward surrounded by psychiatric patients. 72 00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:13,300 And I was REALLY confused as to why I was there. 73 00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:28,420 I do remember moments. 74 00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:32,860 But at no point in the last 30 years has anybody really told me, 75 00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:35,620 or explained to me, what had happened. 76 00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:40,300 Hello. How are you, sir? 77 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,460 I'm David Harewood. I'm here to collect some records. 78 00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:47,220 Thank you. 79 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:51,580 It's pretty thick. 80 00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:52,860 There's quite a lot in here. 81 00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:00,700 I think it's really important for me to find out what happened 82 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,020 and why it happened. 83 00:05:03,860 --> 00:05:07,500 There is a very important part of my life that I really haven't 84 00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,140 been able to explain. 85 00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:11,940 Hello. Hi. 86 00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:14,220 How are you? Hello, I'm Rowena. Nice to see you - David. 87 00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:16,780 Hi. Very nice to meet you. Do you want to come through? Yes... 88 00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:19,260 VOICEOVER: Dr Rowena Jones is part of a team of psychiatrists 89 00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:22,060 at Birmingham's Queen Elizabeth Hospital. 90 00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:25,460 She's dealt with patients with psychosis for the last decade. 91 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:28,940 I'm hoping she'll start helping me put the pieces together. 92 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:31,820 Psychotic symptoms are when people have experiences 93 00:05:31,820 --> 00:05:34,020 that aren't based on reality. 94 00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:37,580 So, commonly, people will have, say, hallucinations 95 00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,820 where they see or hear or feel things 96 00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:43,460 that aren't actually happening. Mm-hmm. 97 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:47,340 Or delusional beliefs, which are beliefs that develop 98 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,940 without fact behind them. 99 00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:53,180 It would be really nice to sit down and talk to you about 100 00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:56,700 what I experienced, and maybe you can explain to me what it was about. 101 00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:04,300 It sounds fairly grandiose... 102 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,580 Really? ..as a set of delusions. 103 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:09,860 There's things here about you talking for hours... 104 00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:12,300 ..about a friend would buy you a wine bar, 105 00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:14,660 which would be like the Garden of Eden 106 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,580 where you could pluck a guitar out of the grass. 107 00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:20,900 See, there was something really extraordinary going on in my head. 108 00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,380 And I was a great lover of literature. 109 00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:25,460 So, I think... And, as an actor... 110 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:30,020 Yeah. ..a lot of that was coming out in my sort of delusion, I think. 111 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:35,700 The form of a psychiatric symptom is fairly constant. 112 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:38,300 But the content, very much people bring to it themselves, 113 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,260 so they have changed over the years. 114 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:43,740 Religious delusions used to be a lot more common when we were... 115 00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:47,020 before we became such a secular society. 116 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:51,420 So people were more, like, "Oh, it's the gods, it's the gods." 117 00:06:51,420 --> 00:06:55,380 Today, you'll meet people who've got delusions about social media. 118 00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:59,500 This is the time when you're actually in the hospital 119 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,060 and very unwell. 120 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:03,300 So, suspicious and frightened and shouting, 121 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,140 "I've got to save the boy." 122 00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:09,060 So, that's somebody who you felt, life was in your hands. 123 00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,460 I mean, I don't understand that. 124 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:15,140 I don't know who that boy refers to. 125 00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:17,180 It might be... 126 00:07:17,180 --> 00:07:18,180 ..me. 127 00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:32,180 This was my local park, this was it - this was where we used to play 128 00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:34,460 from when I was about six. 129 00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,180 First-generation West Indian family. 130 00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:42,420 Probably the only black family on our end of the street. 131 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,740 We used to ride my first chopper, chopper bike round here. 132 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:47,900 So... 133 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,180 Climbed these trees. 134 00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:53,300 Life was fun, life was simple. 135 00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:56,660 I was never the brightest kid in the class. 136 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:58,500 I was never the most handsome. 137 00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,900 So, I guess in order for me to stand out... 138 00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:04,500 ..I just became the clown. 139 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:08,580 I just became the guy who was funny and loved it. 140 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:14,460 At the end of secondary school. 141 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:18,620 Auditioned for drama schools and... 142 00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:20,100 ..got into Rada. 143 00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:25,620 CROWD ENUNCIATES 144 00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:29,100 You were doing elocution lessons but suddenly you were being taught 145 00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:32,740 to say "bahth" and not "bath". 146 00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:36,060 And I remember my mum looking at me and going, "What's going on here? 147 00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:38,820 "What's happening to my son? He's changing." 148 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:42,820 And I was, you know, I went there with probably a very thick... 149 00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:45,060 Birmingham accent, talking like that, you know, 150 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:48,340 and suddenly I was talking like that and, you know, being very, very posh. 151 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:56,260 In those final days at drama school, 152 00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:58,460 the real world started to creep in. 153 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:04,540 My agent had put me up for jobs and I was always working. 154 00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:07,820 But I didn't feel I was in control of it. 155 00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:11,500 I didn't feel like I was in control of my life. 156 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,700 I'm supposed to be young and having the time of my life 157 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:19,500 as a young actor, and the reality was I was away from all my mates. 158 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,820 I was totally alone, and I was really unhappy. 159 00:09:23,860 --> 00:09:28,660 And that's not really the time to start smoking weed and drinking. 160 00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:30,700 But that's exactly what I did. 161 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,820 And, erm... 162 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:33,980 ..that's when... 163 00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:36,580 ..the... 164 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,180 ..breakdown started to... 165 00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:44,180 ..become something completely different. 166 00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:52,260 Everyone's psychosis is different, is unique to each individual. 167 00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:55,340 But actually there's a lot of shared experiences. 168 00:09:55,340 --> 00:09:58,300 And the three main symptoms are 169 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:04,220 delusions, believing things that aren't real, like, you're a messiah 170 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:06,580 and that you can control the weather. 171 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:10,180 Also, hallucinations - that's hearing or seeing things 172 00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:11,940 that aren't there, 173 00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:14,180 and thought disorder. 174 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,180 So, that is where thoughts feel jumbled 175 00:10:17,180 --> 00:10:21,100 with difficulty concentrating and communicating. 176 00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:23,740 Hello. I'm David Harewood. I'm looking to speak 177 00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:26,420 to Dr Erin Turner. Yes, I will give her a ring. 178 00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:27,940 Thanks very much. 179 00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:31,340 Hello. Hello, David. How are you? I'm good, how are you? Really well, 180 00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:33,100 nice to see you. Good, and you. 181 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,500 Shall we go outside, then? Yeah, let's go. Brilliant. 182 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,380 Have a little wander. 183 00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:40,380 Erin works with young people who've experienced psychosis. 184 00:10:40,380 --> 00:10:42,500 So, I'm hoping she might be able to shed some light 185 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,340 on why it might have happened to me. 186 00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:46,500 Psychosis never just happens. 187 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:50,580 You don't wake up one day and suddenly you've got psychosis. 188 00:10:50,580 --> 00:10:52,460 It generally builds up. 189 00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:56,780 So, there may be some anxiety, some sleep disturbance, 190 00:10:56,780 --> 00:11:00,180 and then the stress levels reach that tipping point 191 00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:03,300 and that's when psychotic symptoms begin. 192 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,340 And I think it's really helpful to consider it 193 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:08,980 with the stress vulnerability model. 194 00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:12,500 This shows us that we're all in somewhere in the spectrum 195 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,940 of vulnerability to develop psychosis. 196 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,020 But if you've got high vulnerability, 197 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:20,940 it doesn't take much stress to tip you over into psychosis. 198 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:24,420 So, the things that would move you from a low to high vulnerability 199 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:28,460 would be if you've had significant trauma in your life, 200 00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:31,220 a strong family history of psychosis. 201 00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:33,140 If you're smoking a lot of cannabis... 202 00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:37,100 People who live in the city, high-pressured environments, 203 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,860 second-generation migrants... There are a lot of different things 204 00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:41,940 that can predispose you to psychosis. 205 00:11:41,940 --> 00:11:46,180 At the time it happened to me, huge stresses... 206 00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:48,300 So, what were all those stressors, then? 207 00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:51,580 Being away from home, moving every week, being reviewed, 208 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,660 people talking about me... 209 00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:57,780 Now, I did smoke cannabis so I guess that edges up but as I speak 210 00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,820 to you now, it was the stresses... Yeah. 211 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,740 ..that were getting - piling up and piling up. 212 00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:04,380 And because of my professional... 213 00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,140 ..you just get on with it. 214 00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,380 I do remember going to an audition. 215 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:17,380 And the audition was on Windmill Street and I know where Windmill Street is in Soho. 216 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,060 And I couldn't find it. 217 00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:27,780 I could not find Windmill Street, and I was walking around for hours. 218 00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:32,220 I don't remember what happened, 219 00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:36,700 but eventually I found Windmill Street. 220 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,500 I was about three hours late. 221 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,660 And the casting director... 222 00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:44,500 She could tell I wasn't right. 223 00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,580 So, the casting agent was this lady called Janey Fothergill. 224 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:53,700 And I always remember the name, 225 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,940 and always remember she was very posh, but really sweet. 226 00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:58,980 PHONE RINGS DOWN THE LINE 227 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,860 Hello? 228 00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,300 ON PHONE: Dave... 229 00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:09,740 Hello, gorgeous, how are you? 230 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:11,260 Very well, how are you? 231 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,540 I'm really, really well. 232 00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,100 Is that, like, 25 years? 233 00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:21,020 Janey, do you remember when I turned up late for the audition? 234 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,340 Wow. 235 00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:55,420 I had these two very, very good friends that I used to live with 236 00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:57,060 when I was at drama school. 237 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:00,340 Nick and Jez. 238 00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:05,700 LAUGHING: We all liked to drink a lot. 239 00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:08,700 We'd get stoned! 240 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,180 We'd get stoned every night and laugh. 241 00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:16,420 Just laugh into the wee small hours, crash out, get up, 242 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,580 and then go and study Shakespeare all day. 243 00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:19,940 PHONE RINGS DOWN THE LINE 244 00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,660 We were nearly always together. 245 00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,060 ON PHONE: Hello? HE LAUGHS 246 00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:26,500 Hello, mate! 247 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,580 And, actually, I probably haven't spoken to them for a long time. 248 00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:32,100 Could you meet me at the Marlborough? The Marlborough? 249 00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,540 Yeah, yeah, yeah - no worries. Brilliant. Lovely! 250 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:40,420 There's things that I want to make sure I cover. 251 00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,900 I'm hoping that they will be able to help me fill in 252 00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:46,860 some of the behaviours. 253 00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:49,420 Perhaps, be able to explain... 254 00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:53,340 Like, yeah... 255 00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:55,940 How I was... how I was acting, how I was. 256 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,660 I wasn't sleeping, I was up all night. 257 00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,820 Overthinking things. 258 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:06,620 Are you all right, mate? 259 00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:08,220 I get these weird memories. 260 00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:11,300 And I don't know whether I'm making them up. 261 00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:15,980 So, when did you first hear there was things going wrong, then? 262 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:20,420 The audition, to me, is the day that it all went horribly wrong. 263 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,660 We were out looking for you and then we went to the house. 264 00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,180 You went looking for me? I think so. 265 00:15:24,180 --> 00:15:25,740 We discovered you sitting - 266 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:28,660 there were all these Scruples cards all over the floor. 267 00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,740 There was a copy of Shakespeare 268 00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:33,540 with a corkscrew screwed right through it. 269 00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:37,140 The thing I remember is being helpless, and now I remember there 270 00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:40,860 being quite a long period of time, maybe a week or five days, 271 00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:44,340 of us coming back to see you and you not being right. 272 00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:46,260 You guys took me to the doctors, didn't you? 273 00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:47,700 We went to see a doctor. 274 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,340 He said you had a mania - 275 00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:52,220 you had a "mild mania", is how he described it. 276 00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,460 They sent us away with a few tablets. 277 00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:55,900 Fucking hell... 278 00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:58,060 Yeah, but this wasn't the big... 279 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:00,260 No. This wasn't the big...? No, this was the lead-up. 280 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,860 And I remember taking you back to that flat and both of us... 281 00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:05,300 It had been such an effort to get you there, 282 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,660 and they give you these tablets. 283 00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:09,020 And I remember saying to him, "This is just ridiculous." 284 00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:11,940 "Don't take them." Yeah, I think we all did. We did - I remember that. 285 00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:14,860 I do remember that. I feel resp... ..that makes me feel bad cos... No. 286 00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:17,380 But, you know what I mean, we did say, "Oh, this is ridiculous. 287 00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:21,140 "Just chuck them down." And we chucked them down the toilet. We chucked them down the toilet? 288 00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:24,900 And, sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if you'd taken those. Me too, actually. 289 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:32,780 I kept convincing them that I was OK. 290 00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:36,380 Because the energy was really exciting. 291 00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:39,340 Maybe, if I'd taken those tablets, 292 00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:41,660 all that energy would have gone away. 293 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,620 And I didn't want it to end. 294 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:48,620 Looking back on it, I was just so young and naive. 295 00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:50,620 I mean, I was in my early 20s. 296 00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:53,500 I guess I just didn't really have the language or the insight 297 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,140 to actually understand what was happening to me. 298 00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:06,660 If you have a vulnerability to develop psychosis, 299 00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:10,300 late adolescence is really when it will emerge. 300 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:14,540 There's a lot of stressors, and there's a lot of biological 301 00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:17,420 and psychological changes that are taking place. 302 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:22,100 So, it becomes quite a fertile field for development of psychosis. 303 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,540 And if young people start using strong cannabis 304 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:29,580 at a very early age, their risk of developing psychosis 305 00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:31,180 is so much greater. 306 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,820 Erin's invited me to a drop-in clinic she runs as part of a service 307 00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:39,180 called Early Intervention, which is just 308 00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:42,100 for young people who have experienced psychosis. 309 00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:45,860 Hello. Hello. Hello, David. Come on in. Very excited about this. 310 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:48,260 Welcome in to the drop-in. We're very excited to have you. 311 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:49,780 Thank you very much. 312 00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:52,460 I've never met anyone who's had psychosis before. 313 00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:56,700 So, I want to see if there are any similarities in our experiences. 314 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,380 Guys, this is David. 315 00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:00,860 I'll let you introduce... 316 00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,140 How are you doing? Nice to see you. Another Brummie. 317 00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:07,140 Nice to meet you, David. Hey, man, how are you? My name's Conrad. Nice to meet you - how old are you? 318 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:09,140 20. 20? Yeah. Callum, 24. 319 00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:11,620 Callum, nice to meet you, man. Good to see you. 320 00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:13,540 Really appreciate you guys doing this. 321 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:19,940 Tell me a little bit about your experience of psychosis. 322 00:18:19,940 --> 00:18:23,380 Basically, I started hearing voices when I was about 13, 14, 323 00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,860 and then I was out socially smoking cannabis, 324 00:18:25,860 --> 00:18:27,420 as many young kids do. 325 00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:30,740 Started hearing voices and then it sort of come to a build-up 326 00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:32,860 around last year, I was about 19. 327 00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:34,900 Just going through a lot of stress, and that. 328 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,140 And that's when I realised I was losing it. 329 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,900 So, that's when I thought, "I need help." Right. 330 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:42,420 That's when the voices started taking over, so... 331 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:48,220 Can you remember a moment when something began to unravel? 332 00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:51,180 Yeah, I mean, the first ever time... 333 00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:53,140 It was like an alligator at a watering hole. 334 00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,580 It sort of just drags you in, you know? 335 00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:58,500 I just lost touch with reality. 336 00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,500 Do you know, like, in a computer game, 337 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:02,060 you might get, you know, 338 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:05,500 your main character and these story arc characters, 339 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:11,580 but then everybody else is just an NPC - a non-playable character. 340 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:14,340 Everyone else, you're just drones but you're... 341 00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:15,860 This is your world. 342 00:19:15,860 --> 00:19:17,620 And you can understand that. 343 00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:20,580 What's really encouraging about you guys is that, you know, you've got 344 00:19:20,580 --> 00:19:23,300 a very good handle on it and that's really encouraging for me to see. 345 00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:28,300 Yeah, I'd say early intervention has helped a lot with that because... 346 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:31,660 I mean, normally, if you wanted to see a doctor, you'd wait weeks 347 00:19:31,660 --> 00:19:34,940 or you wait, you know, just however long and you can't do that 348 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,540 if you're mentally unstable. 349 00:19:37,540 --> 00:19:39,820 Whereas with early intervention, 350 00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:42,500 you see doctors once a week if you need to. 351 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:45,100 Or change your meds if you need to. 352 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,300 You wouldn't get that back in your day. You would not have that. 353 00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:49,860 No. 354 00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:53,420 And that's what... That support. That support is what has made 355 00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:56,300 probably a lot of us still alive right now. 356 00:20:00,980 --> 00:20:02,900 It was just... 357 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:06,140 ..brilliant to be able to just be with them, you know, 358 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:08,260 and sit with them and talk to them. 359 00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:10,580 And then I spoke to Callum off camera and he was... 360 00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:13,340 He's got a... he's got a business degree. 361 00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:17,220 He ain't no slouch! 362 00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:21,500 He spoke about things that I... 363 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:22,580 I understand. 364 00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:25,060 That sense of feeling that you're a god, 365 00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:29,260 that sense of feeling that you are, like in a computer game - 366 00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:31,740 I understood aspects of that. 367 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,460 I remember one night... 368 00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,180 I sat in front of the mirror, convinced... 369 00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:44,900 ..that my reflection was going to move... 370 00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,420 ..and go... 371 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:49,780 "You got me. 372 00:20:49,780 --> 00:20:51,900 "Let's swap sides." 373 00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:53,380 I was convinced of it. 374 00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,420 I was staring at myself like this... 375 00:20:57,260 --> 00:21:01,780 I know, I know, I know, I'm going to outstare you. 376 00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:06,300 And I know at some point you're going to own up that you're 377 00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,500 really me and I'm really you 378 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,940 and we're going to swap sides, 379 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:13,980 and actually I'm going to cross into your reality 380 00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:17,220 and you're going to cross into my reality. I was convinced of it. 381 00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:19,100 And I felt that, um... 382 00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,980 ..that, um, I wasn't me. 383 00:21:24,740 --> 00:21:27,180 I felt that I was not real. 384 00:21:31,020 --> 00:21:33,660 When someone is experiencing a psychotic episode 385 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:38,140 there are very real biological processes going on in the brain. 386 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:41,620 They may produce an excess amount of certain chemicals, 387 00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:44,140 one of which is called dopamine. 388 00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:45,980 Now, dopamine occurs naturally. 389 00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:50,100 It is used to help nerve cells communicate with each other. 390 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,300 But if there is an excess of dopamine in the brain 391 00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:55,660 it can play a part in the development 392 00:21:55,660 --> 00:21:58,140 of delusions and hallucinations. 393 00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:04,020 Psychosis can be really difficult to articulate 394 00:22:04,020 --> 00:22:06,780 and so I would encourage my group to use whatever means 395 00:22:06,780 --> 00:22:11,380 that they can to help communicate, such as writing or drawing. 396 00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:12,860 Hello, mate. 397 00:22:12,860 --> 00:22:14,300 David, how are we doing? 398 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:17,500 Sometimes there's so much that's going on in our unconscious 399 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:20,140 that we can't access through words. 400 00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:22,500 This is very nice. Thank you very much. 401 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:27,300 What's all this on the wall? What's all this? 402 00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:29,980 That's a constant reminder of who I am. 403 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:35,660 If I'm in a sort of dissociated state, 404 00:22:35,660 --> 00:22:38,860 the way that I sort of react to it, I'll draw or I'll write 405 00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:41,620 how I'm thinking, what I'm seeing, what I'm feeling. 406 00:22:41,620 --> 00:22:44,820 So when I'm grounded in a reality, 407 00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:47,860 I can look back and think, what was I thinking, 408 00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:51,340 and try to understand sort of where my mind-set is at 409 00:22:51,340 --> 00:22:53,580 so I can sort of help myself 410 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,140 to get better, if that makes sense. 411 00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:57,900 Yeah. 412 00:22:57,900 --> 00:23:00,060 What's this one with an axe? 413 00:23:00,060 --> 00:23:03,100 When I when I first started having psychosis, 414 00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:06,020 before I started the anti-psychotic medication, 415 00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:11,060 I had a lot of visual hallucinations and I saw him numerous times. 416 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,620 He was always from a distance, you know? Hmm. 417 00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:15,940 But he was very, very scary. 418 00:23:15,940 --> 00:23:17,620 I was looking out the window 419 00:23:17,620 --> 00:23:20,020 and he was in the garden... Wow. Just standing there 420 00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:21,260 with the axe, and... 421 00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:26,620 You'd run down the stairs, you'd go outside and he's gone. 422 00:23:26,620 --> 00:23:30,020 And you're thinking, "Was it real or wasn't it?" 423 00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:33,660 And you do honestly think that you are crazy. 424 00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:38,380 But then there'll be other stuff like this, 425 00:23:38,380 --> 00:23:41,220 where I'll be suicidal and I'll go off, and so I sort of... 426 00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:45,060 I think... I think it's interesting here because, because... 427 00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,740 ..the stuff outside is in black and white. Yeah. 428 00:23:48,740 --> 00:23:50,500 And the stuff inside the noose is in colour. 429 00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:52,100 Yeah. It's almost as if... 430 00:23:52,100 --> 00:23:54,860 That's, that's the better way. Yeah. Yeah. 431 00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:59,500 Did you have any outlets or anything when you were...? 432 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,060 I drew sometimes. 433 00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:04,020 I mean, mine's different. Like, mine's completely different. 434 00:24:04,020 --> 00:24:07,260 I mean, it's not anything that's as elaborate. 435 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:10,820 I mean, I don't know why. That is very interesting. 436 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:12,860 I don't know why I drew it. You know, the glasses... 437 00:24:12,860 --> 00:24:14,460 This was before I even wore glasses. 438 00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:17,540 There's something coming out of the top of my head, something 439 00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:20,020 coming out the top of my finger - it was a real sort of... 440 00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:22,780 an arrival of this character. 441 00:24:22,780 --> 00:24:25,380 I thought it was something coming out of me. 442 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,980 Shooting out. That... 443 00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:30,820 That shows you that you were in a sense Superman. 444 00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:34,860 That's, that's actually, er... That's, again, that's... 445 00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:37,140 That's given me a new perspective on you, a little bit. 446 00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:39,260 Just that you're more like me than I thought. 447 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:47,340 Although Callum has to live with his episodes almost every day, 448 00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:51,020 I do see a lot of similarities between him and me. 449 00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:53,860 I mean, while I didn't have any visual hallucinations, 450 00:24:53,860 --> 00:24:56,700 I do remember the first time I heard voices. 451 00:24:58,340 --> 00:25:02,460 I was completely on my own and I was lying in bed. 452 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:04,260 Literally, all I heard... 453 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:06,060 It was as if it was like a... 454 00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:07,140 SHORT SHARP PUFFS OF AIR 455 00:25:07,140 --> 00:25:08,260 Wake up! 456 00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:12,180 I just sat up like this. I was like, "What the fuck is that?" 457 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:13,500 And it was... I went... 458 00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:14,860 I was literally like that. 459 00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:17,980 He said, "Don't panic. I'm Martin Luther King." 460 00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:22,420 "Listen, I'm Martin Luther King and, um... 461 00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:27,100 "Remember, I did that speech, I have a dream?" I was like, "Yeah." 462 00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:28,580 He says, "Well, when I was killed... 463 00:25:29,860 --> 00:25:33,500 "..the whole of reality became my dream. 464 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:36,300 "And, tonight, various people around the world are going 465 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:38,580 "to sacrifice themselves. 466 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:40,540 "And become angels." 467 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:43,540 It's going to end violence and end world hunger and all that. 468 00:25:43,540 --> 00:25:48,140 It was like this huge fucking thing, and I was... I was in my bedroom 469 00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:52,300 crying my eyes out because I thought this is going to... Me?! 470 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,740 You know, I'm part of this worldwide... 471 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:59,900 ..effort to end, to end poverty and, you know, violence 472 00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:02,100 and, you know... He said, "Oh, yes. Yes." 473 00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:05,500 He said, "I want you to walk to Camden right now." 474 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:09,020 And part of this mission was I was going to go to this - 475 00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:11,780 it sounds ridiculous - I was going to go to this shop, walk in. 476 00:26:11,780 --> 00:26:13,780 He said, "Don't be surprised if the shop is open. 477 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:16,300 "Even though it's three o'clock in the morning, go to the back 478 00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:18,500 "of the store, there's going to be a suit hanging up. 479 00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:19,980 "You're going to put the suit on. 480 00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:23,140 "You going to turn around and when you turn around 481 00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:24,380 "THAT is the moment 482 00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:28,140 "when life is going to change for millions of people." 483 00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:31,420 Obviously, the fucking shop's closed. 484 00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:33,980 And I get there, I'm trying the door. 485 00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:36,380 And I said, "Look, this isn't really working," 486 00:26:36,380 --> 00:26:39,140 and then this voice was going, "OK, um... Something's wrong. 487 00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:41,300 "Something's wrong. You have to go home right now 488 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,340 "because this isn't... this isn't working." 489 00:26:46,540 --> 00:26:48,460 I got home, went to bed. 490 00:26:48,460 --> 00:26:49,620 I was so tired. 491 00:26:51,340 --> 00:26:53,820 The voices in my head were gone. 492 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:56,580 And there was like a silence and I was really deeply confused. 493 00:26:56,580 --> 00:26:58,860 And I really didn't know who I was. 494 00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:02,700 Next thing I know... 495 00:27:05,060 --> 00:27:06,140 ..I... 496 00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:08,540 ..heard these stones... 497 00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:12,500 ..being thrown at my window. 498 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:14,580 And that freaked me out, because I thought 499 00:27:14,580 --> 00:27:16,220 it's the voices again. 500 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:18,420 And I looked out. 501 00:27:19,980 --> 00:27:22,940 And, uh, it was Nick and Jez. 502 00:27:24,620 --> 00:27:27,100 I think I eventually opened the door. 503 00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:32,620 And that's when Nick and Jez thought it best to, um... 504 00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:37,740 ..drive me back to Birmingham, to my mother's house. 505 00:27:38,780 --> 00:27:43,380 And it would be interesting to ask them why, but they decided to... 506 00:27:43,380 --> 00:27:45,900 ..take me to hospital instead. 507 00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:49,380 You sort of virtually collapsed in the back of the car. Right. 508 00:27:49,380 --> 00:27:50,540 Saying, "I'm dying." 509 00:27:51,980 --> 00:27:54,060 Your eyes were rolling to the back of your head, 510 00:27:54,060 --> 00:27:56,540 I started hitting you. And so you were properly, you know, 511 00:27:56,540 --> 00:27:58,380 it was as if you were properly passing out. 512 00:27:58,380 --> 00:28:00,980 We thought you were dying. That's why we took you to casualty. 513 00:28:00,980 --> 00:28:03,180 You said, "I've got three brains in my head," 514 00:28:03,180 --> 00:28:04,820 and if you died, they died, too. 515 00:28:06,820 --> 00:28:08,460 So, we wheeled you through here. 516 00:28:08,460 --> 00:28:09,860 Yeah. DAVID EXHALES SHARPLY 517 00:28:09,860 --> 00:28:11,580 And I think it was all systems go. 518 00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:14,180 This was all open - you could get straight through. 519 00:28:14,180 --> 00:28:16,260 So, I was out? You were sort of out in a wheelchair. 520 00:28:16,260 --> 00:28:18,700 Passed out, yeah. You were in the wheelchair. Yeah. Yeah. 521 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:19,900 Nearly unconscious. 522 00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:25,620 But then you really came to again and really freaked out and lost it 523 00:28:25,620 --> 00:28:30,740 and ran, ran into a room and were raving. 524 00:28:30,740 --> 00:28:33,260 On your knees, screaming to the sky. 525 00:28:35,460 --> 00:28:36,820 They then called... 526 00:28:36,820 --> 00:28:38,020 They called the police. 527 00:28:38,020 --> 00:28:41,540 So there's about six officers turned up, wrestled you to the floor. 528 00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:44,060 And they were wait... They were waiting by the door 529 00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:47,100 saying, "We're not going in until the riot shields turn up" 530 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,460 and you got slightly too near to the entrance. 531 00:28:49,460 --> 00:28:51,580 And they just went, "Now!" 532 00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:54,980 And pounced and just...decked you, and sat on you, like six of them. 533 00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:58,900 And then they start pumping sedatives into you. 534 00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:00,500 And they said to us, 535 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:03,980 "He's had enough sedatives to knock a horse out." 536 00:29:13,380 --> 00:29:14,460 It's all right. Yeah. 537 00:29:15,540 --> 00:29:16,740 But, mate, you did it! 538 00:29:17,900 --> 00:29:20,340 Fucking hell! You know what I mean? You came through it. 539 00:29:20,340 --> 00:29:22,940 Fucking hell! I know. 540 00:29:24,540 --> 00:29:25,820 HE EXHALES SHARPLY 541 00:29:32,780 --> 00:29:34,820 It's coming back, some of it's coming back. 542 00:29:36,860 --> 00:29:39,100 I remember policemen sitting on me. 543 00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:42,900 I'm wondering what they were doing. 544 00:29:42,900 --> 00:29:45,220 I thought they'd caught me. 545 00:29:45,220 --> 00:29:49,860 I've done half the job by getting to Camden. 546 00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:51,540 I'd done half the job. 547 00:29:52,940 --> 00:29:55,660 But I hadn't completed the job. 548 00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:59,460 And now... And he had kind of been warning me about, you know, 549 00:29:59,460 --> 00:30:02,260 if I don't do X, it's all going to go horribly wrong. 550 00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:04,860 And it was all going horribly wrong. 551 00:30:06,820 --> 00:30:08,620 So, I just had to really... 552 00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:12,860 ..fight to stay awake. 553 00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:16,500 Just to kind of... 554 00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:23,900 HE EXHALES 555 00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:26,420 Got to really thank you for what you did. 556 00:30:26,420 --> 00:30:29,460 I-I... I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't have been here. 557 00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:31,860 No. I don't know what would have happened. 558 00:30:31,860 --> 00:30:33,220 Fuck! 559 00:30:34,660 --> 00:30:38,300 Oh! Fuck me. We've got real now, lads. Yeah. 560 00:30:38,300 --> 00:30:40,860 I'd kind of, I'd kind of brushed all this off. 561 00:30:40,860 --> 00:30:45,380 I know, I know. I'd kind of concentrated on all the funny bits. 562 00:30:45,380 --> 00:30:46,820 But this is, this is very real. 563 00:30:46,820 --> 00:30:49,220 Yeah. And very scary. Fucking hell. 564 00:30:50,660 --> 00:30:54,460 I just didn't remember any of it and it's suddenly getting here 565 00:30:54,460 --> 00:30:57,140 that you suddenly realise... Fucking hell. 566 00:30:57,140 --> 00:30:58,740 You were in that building there. 567 00:30:58,740 --> 00:31:01,100 That red brick building over there. 568 00:31:01,100 --> 00:31:02,860 Behind, behind the trees. 569 00:31:06,180 --> 00:31:09,180 It was in this now derelict building that I was held 570 00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:12,260 under a section of the Mental Health Act for 72 hours 571 00:31:12,260 --> 00:31:15,780 so that mental health professionals could assess me. 572 00:31:19,060 --> 00:31:20,620 I can remember these roofs. 573 00:31:20,620 --> 00:31:23,860 I can remember looking out the window and seeing these roofs 574 00:31:23,860 --> 00:31:25,540 and just wanting to be outside. 575 00:31:25,540 --> 00:31:27,260 I just wanted to get out. 576 00:31:29,980 --> 00:31:33,220 I can remember all these trees, I can remember all these buildings. 577 00:31:33,220 --> 00:31:35,340 I just wanted to get out. Get outside. 578 00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,100 But I couldn't... I couldn't get out. 579 00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:52,460 I have completely underestimated 580 00:31:52,460 --> 00:31:56,940 just how much this whole process would dig up and... 581 00:31:59,300 --> 00:32:01,580 I feel like a bit of an exposed nerve at the minute 582 00:32:01,580 --> 00:32:05,380 because I'm-I'm... I'm realising that there's, you know, 583 00:32:05,380 --> 00:32:08,900 I just kind of buried a whole load of trauma for years, 584 00:32:08,900 --> 00:32:11,980 which was, you know, going into hospital. 585 00:32:13,980 --> 00:32:18,060 Now I know why I was so sore for weeks afterwards. 586 00:32:18,060 --> 00:32:21,620 It's because I had six coppers sitting on me for hours! 587 00:32:23,860 --> 00:32:27,300 30 years later and some things have changed. 588 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:31,620 So, I'm up in Birmingham, my hometown. 589 00:32:31,620 --> 00:32:34,540 They trialled an initiative called Street Triage. 590 00:32:34,540 --> 00:32:37,580 And, basically, if they think there's a mental health case, 591 00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:40,220 this special unit will go and make sure 592 00:32:40,220 --> 00:32:42,660 that they are treated correctly. 593 00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:44,980 We've got a 17-year-old 594 00:32:44,980 --> 00:32:48,860 and she's got this unusual kind of dissociative experience. 595 00:32:48,860 --> 00:32:50,900 So if she's got a psychotic illness 596 00:32:50,900 --> 00:32:53,740 or the beginnings of the early stages of one 597 00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:56,780 we want to kind of assess and put the right kind 598 00:32:56,780 --> 00:32:58,940 of treatment or care in place. 599 00:32:58,940 --> 00:33:01,220 So, what's happened, then, tonight? 600 00:33:01,220 --> 00:33:04,420 When we found her, she's basically, she's not engaged with us. 601 00:33:04,420 --> 00:33:07,660 Yeah. Playing with her wrists, got blood on her wrists. OK. 602 00:33:07,660 --> 00:33:10,060 I found a half written suicide note in the car. OK. 603 00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:14,500 There's something not right. OK. Let's go and have a chat with her. 604 00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:20,540 There's more people going into a mental health crisis 605 00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,540 than ever before. 606 00:33:22,540 --> 00:33:25,340 They cannot cope any more and they are suicidal 607 00:33:25,340 --> 00:33:29,100 and they want to die, or they're completely psychotic 608 00:33:29,100 --> 00:33:33,020 where they have no idea about what the world is around them. 609 00:33:41,180 --> 00:33:44,020 I asked if she can go to Dad's. Dad won't have her. 610 00:33:44,020 --> 00:33:46,500 So, there's nowhere else for her to go at the moment. 611 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:48,100 But have a chat, see what you think. 612 00:33:49,380 --> 00:33:53,020 This lot have made fools out of me and I'm not accepting it. 613 00:33:53,020 --> 00:33:54,580 Tried to blow my house up. 614 00:33:54,580 --> 00:33:57,140 He had the petrol can in the back of his car. 615 00:33:57,140 --> 00:33:59,660 The police searched his car and they lied and said there's 616 00:33:59,660 --> 00:34:03,820 no petrol can. But when I searched it, there was a petrol can in there. 617 00:34:03,820 --> 00:34:05,180 They're trying to say I'm mad. 618 00:34:05,180 --> 00:34:07,420 How can I be mad when it's real? 619 00:34:09,820 --> 00:34:12,300 If I reflect on what happened to me, 620 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:15,860 I'd put me in her position right now, 621 00:34:15,860 --> 00:34:19,060 the triage team would have perhaps calmed me down 622 00:34:19,060 --> 00:34:23,300 and perhaps have settled me a lot earlier than I was. 623 00:34:44,580 --> 00:34:47,620 There's a lady that I thought you might be interested in seeing 624 00:34:47,620 --> 00:34:50,060 called Rachel. She's a 29-year-old 625 00:34:50,060 --> 00:34:52,900 who's presented yesterday to the hospital. 626 00:34:54,340 --> 00:34:57,660 Dr Rowena Jones has allowed me to shadow her on one of her rounds. 627 00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:03,100 She's had quite a long history of psychiatric problems. 628 00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:07,060 She had an admission back in 2010 with a psychotic episode. 629 00:35:07,060 --> 00:35:09,220 Right. She's not been very well. 630 00:35:09,220 --> 00:35:11,140 There's possibly some drug withdrawal. 631 00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:13,980 Family are concerned about her mental state. 632 00:35:13,980 --> 00:35:17,580 So I thought we'd go and have a chat and see how we can help. 633 00:35:17,580 --> 00:35:19,660 Rachel's at a severe moment of crisis 634 00:35:19,660 --> 00:35:22,220 but her family have kindly let us film. 635 00:35:23,340 --> 00:35:24,700 Hello. This is Rachel. 636 00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:26,180 Rachel, do you want to say hello? 637 00:35:26,180 --> 00:35:27,820 Rachel? Come and say hello. 638 00:35:27,820 --> 00:35:29,180 Hello, Rachel. 639 00:35:29,180 --> 00:35:30,580 I'm David. 640 00:35:30,580 --> 00:35:32,860 How are you? Yeah. 641 00:35:32,860 --> 00:35:36,180 I'm here making a programme 642 00:35:36,180 --> 00:35:38,700 because I myself had a psychotic episode. 643 00:35:40,460 --> 00:35:43,180 I think it was emotional trauma that led to using drugs 644 00:35:43,180 --> 00:35:45,700 in the very beginning, at an adolescent age. 645 00:35:45,700 --> 00:35:48,540 Then I think things like postnatal depression... 646 00:35:48,540 --> 00:35:51,780 ..stimulate episodes. 647 00:35:51,780 --> 00:35:54,180 And when you're not diagnosed, you don't understand. 648 00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:56,620 So then you look for other ways to heal yourself, 649 00:35:56,620 --> 00:35:58,860 which increases the drug aspect. 650 00:35:58,860 --> 00:36:01,980 And then before you know it, she crashes. 651 00:36:01,980 --> 00:36:05,660 It's so traumatic for the family. 652 00:36:05,660 --> 00:36:06,940 It's really hard. 653 00:36:08,980 --> 00:36:12,020 Sorry to ask questions when I know you're not feeling well. 654 00:36:12,020 --> 00:36:14,940 I know from looking at your notes, you've had these voices 655 00:36:14,940 --> 00:36:18,340 and sometimes you've had some problems with your thoughts. 656 00:36:20,900 --> 00:36:22,140 The Devil? 657 00:36:22,140 --> 00:36:24,020 Yes. What do you mean by that? 658 00:36:28,020 --> 00:36:29,260 What makes you think 659 00:36:29,260 --> 00:36:32,020 that's something that's been done by the Devil? 660 00:36:45,540 --> 00:36:46,620 Right. 661 00:36:54,100 --> 00:36:57,060 The Devil being in her throat. She said, "The Devil's in my throat." 662 00:36:57,060 --> 00:36:58,580 and she kept, she kept doing this. 663 00:36:58,580 --> 00:37:01,900 Yeah, yeah. There's obviously something that's bothering her. 664 00:37:01,900 --> 00:37:03,900 Sometimes it arrives completely unannounced. 665 00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:06,820 People suddenly develop a conviction that 666 00:37:06,820 --> 00:37:09,300 "The Devil is in my body" or something. 667 00:37:09,300 --> 00:37:11,460 I had that... When I... 668 00:37:11,460 --> 00:37:14,540 When I was admitted 30 years ago, 669 00:37:14,540 --> 00:37:20,340 I had the belief that I had three people's brains in my brain 670 00:37:20,340 --> 00:37:23,180 and it was, you know, completely real. 671 00:37:23,180 --> 00:37:25,740 It's something that comes out of the studies as well 672 00:37:25,740 --> 00:37:29,020 that the power of a voice is what controls... 673 00:37:29,020 --> 00:37:32,180 It's not necessarily the nastiness of it, it's the power that you feel 674 00:37:32,180 --> 00:37:35,500 it has over you at that time. And that's what you were talking about 675 00:37:35,500 --> 00:37:37,380 in there and again now. Absolutely. 676 00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:39,220 I can really attest to the power of... 677 00:37:40,340 --> 00:37:41,300 ..that delusion. 678 00:37:53,220 --> 00:37:55,340 Probably, this is the first time in 30 years 679 00:37:55,340 --> 00:37:58,380 I'm beginning to put the pieces together, and I'm beginning to... 680 00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:02,500 ..really understand in my head... 681 00:38:04,540 --> 00:38:05,940 ..what was going on. 682 00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:08,860 "This young man was admitted under the care 683 00:38:08,860 --> 00:38:10,660 "of consultant psychiatrist... 684 00:38:10,660 --> 00:38:13,460 "Patient is acutely psychotic, aggressive, inappropriate... 685 00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:16,180 "Four days before admission, he started to behave bizarrely 686 00:38:16,180 --> 00:38:17,980 "and said that he'd been invisible..." 687 00:38:17,980 --> 00:38:21,020 "..believed that he had merged hearts with a black boy." 688 00:38:21,020 --> 00:38:25,340 It's almost as if my brain was just clearing out a whole load 689 00:38:25,340 --> 00:38:28,580 of confusion and crap and pain, 690 00:38:28,580 --> 00:38:33,100 all the things that were causing me enormous stress. 691 00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:39,780 What was confusing me so much back then was that suddenly 692 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:41,860 I was being all I could be. 693 00:38:43,060 --> 00:38:45,660 And all I was being told I was... 694 00:38:45,660 --> 00:38:47,220 was a black actor. 695 00:38:50,700 --> 00:38:53,780 I got a job almost straight out of drama school, 696 00:38:53,780 --> 00:38:56,740 which was playing Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. 697 00:38:59,180 --> 00:39:01,660 You know, I just thought I had a job. 698 00:39:01,660 --> 00:39:04,580 I thought, "Great. Nice job, lead role." 699 00:39:04,580 --> 00:39:07,700 And then, when the reviews came out... 700 00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:13,340 ..I suddenly started realising that they were all... 701 00:39:13,340 --> 00:39:14,620 ..prefaced by... 702 00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:18,660 "Black actor David Harewood"... 703 00:39:18,660 --> 00:39:20,900 "Black theatre company, Temba Theatre Company..." 704 00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:22,580 The "black production of Romeo and"... 705 00:39:22,580 --> 00:39:24,500 I thought I was just doing Romeo and Juliet. 706 00:39:24,500 --> 00:39:27,100 No, no, no. You're doing a BLACK production of Romeo and Juliet. 707 00:39:27,100 --> 00:39:28,540 And you're a BLACK actor. 708 00:39:38,380 --> 00:39:42,220 Although I was conscious of myself as a black person 709 00:39:42,220 --> 00:39:44,980 it really wasn't until I got out of drama school 710 00:39:44,980 --> 00:39:47,260 that the world said to me, you are black. 711 00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:48,940 Your aspirations, 712 00:39:48,940 --> 00:39:50,580 dreams, your hopes... 713 00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:54,140 ..are now... 714 00:39:56,540 --> 00:39:57,660 ..restricted. 715 00:40:02,180 --> 00:40:06,740 I'm starting to wonder how much my psychosis was connected to the racism I was dealing with 716 00:40:06,740 --> 00:40:10,500 and if my experience is shared with other young black men. 717 00:40:26,820 --> 00:40:31,740 There are lots of reasons why young black men are being sectioned more. 718 00:40:31,740 --> 00:40:35,900 One reason is that black men come to the mental health system later 719 00:40:35,900 --> 00:40:38,820 than their white counterparts 720 00:40:38,820 --> 00:40:41,780 and that's for fear of being hospitalised, 721 00:40:41,780 --> 00:40:43,740 fear of being stigmatised. 722 00:40:44,860 --> 00:40:48,700 They arrive at hospital at crisis point, really. 723 00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:51,060 Let me just... I'm going to go for my bag here. 724 00:40:51,060 --> 00:40:55,140 I'm going to look, show you my records from 30 years ago. Oh, wow. 725 00:40:55,140 --> 00:40:56,420 See, look at this. 726 00:40:56,420 --> 00:40:58,980 I mean, this is like... This is what a doctor wrote. 727 00:40:58,980 --> 00:41:01,500 "Lively, bit of a clown but sly underneath." 728 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:04,140 That's awful. It's awful. It's absolutely awful. 729 00:41:04,140 --> 00:41:09,020 "Very hostile and angry shouting and fighting. Given diazepam with the help of six policemen." Gosh. 730 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:14,500 Do you think that authorities consider us more dangerous? I do. 731 00:41:14,500 --> 00:41:18,100 And I definitely think that there's a story that exists 732 00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:22,380 over how black men are seen in society and that influences people's 733 00:41:22,380 --> 00:41:27,660 perceptions, images of black men as violent, hyper masculinity. 734 00:41:27,660 --> 00:41:31,380 So I think when a black man presents in crisis, sometimes people's ideas 735 00:41:31,380 --> 00:41:34,300 about what black men are like 736 00:41:34,300 --> 00:41:38,100 overshadow the person that's actually in front of them. 737 00:41:38,100 --> 00:41:41,140 So, you think all those negative connotations, all those negative... 738 00:41:41,140 --> 00:41:44,180 All that negative language plays into the... 739 00:41:44,180 --> 00:41:46,700 It can play into your perception of yourself. 740 00:41:46,700 --> 00:41:48,900 Conception of self. Exactly. Exactly. 741 00:41:48,900 --> 00:41:52,140 And the ideas of who you want to be and who you can be. 742 00:41:52,140 --> 00:41:55,220 And I guess that's the part marginalisation plays... Mm-hmm. 743 00:41:55,220 --> 00:41:57,740 ..of images of self. 744 00:41:57,740 --> 00:42:00,820 If everybody you see on TV is white 745 00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:03,900 and all the police are white, all the heroes are white, 746 00:42:03,900 --> 00:42:06,180 it can subtly seep into your... Yes. 747 00:42:06,180 --> 00:42:08,220 Yes, that's exactly it. 748 00:42:08,220 --> 00:42:11,020 I think it's sometimes referred to as the everyday struggle, 749 00:42:11,020 --> 00:42:14,860 which is just what life is like for a young black man. 750 00:42:14,860 --> 00:42:19,180 Experiences of marginalisation, oppression, discrimination. 751 00:42:19,180 --> 00:42:20,620 That's really interesting. 752 00:42:20,620 --> 00:42:23,460 And I think that actually things like that, experience like that, 753 00:42:23,460 --> 00:42:26,980 can have a cumulative effect in the development of psychosis. Mm. 754 00:42:31,060 --> 00:42:34,100 It's good to hear that, kind of, what happened to me 755 00:42:34,100 --> 00:42:39,020 wasn't just as a result of my individual issues, problems, 756 00:42:39,020 --> 00:42:42,060 but that there are factors at play in people that look like me. 757 00:42:45,420 --> 00:42:49,260 Obviously, I'm not that confused young boy but it's... 758 00:42:49,260 --> 00:42:50,660 It's really painful to... 759 00:42:51,940 --> 00:42:54,020 ..to... 760 00:42:55,060 --> 00:42:57,060 ..to look at it. 761 00:42:57,060 --> 00:42:59,580 It's really painful to look at it. 762 00:42:59,580 --> 00:43:02,740 I'm thinking, "Wow! You were really lost." 763 00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:04,540 Really lost. 764 00:43:08,900 --> 00:43:11,100 Seeing those kids at early intervention, 765 00:43:11,100 --> 00:43:13,220 I almost envied them. 766 00:43:13,220 --> 00:43:15,340 I would love to have had that. 767 00:43:15,340 --> 00:43:19,100 I would love to have had a shared experience like that, 768 00:43:19,100 --> 00:43:22,100 where we all sat and talked about what was happening to us. 769 00:43:24,180 --> 00:43:27,900 Hey, bud. Oh! How are you doing, pal? Good. How are you? 770 00:43:27,900 --> 00:43:31,780 I'm not too bad. How are you? Good, good. Tired, man. I can imagine. 771 00:43:31,780 --> 00:43:33,780 Yeah. Tired, tired. 772 00:43:33,780 --> 00:43:36,940 How was your week? Nah, yeah, man. It's been good. 773 00:43:36,940 --> 00:43:42,140 As I was saying to other people, if it's not a bad week, for me, it's a good week, if it makes sense? 774 00:43:42,140 --> 00:43:44,780 I know exactly what you mean. Nothing special has happened. Yeah. 775 00:43:44,780 --> 00:43:46,700 But because nothing bad's happened, 776 00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:50,020 I've considered that as like a good week. 777 00:43:52,420 --> 00:43:56,100 Psychosis is a really isolating experience. 778 00:43:56,100 --> 00:43:59,580 They often feel that no-one else can understand 779 00:43:59,580 --> 00:44:02,660 what they're going through and avoid their friends 780 00:44:02,660 --> 00:44:05,980 and actually coming to a group like this where everyone is going through 781 00:44:05,980 --> 00:44:10,020 a similar experience, it really does help to normalise it. 782 00:44:10,020 --> 00:44:12,580 My voice was...it was religious. 783 00:44:12,580 --> 00:44:14,140 It was based off good principles 784 00:44:14,140 --> 00:44:16,780 and doing good deeds for other people. 785 00:44:16,780 --> 00:44:19,620 So when I explain people my psychosis, 786 00:44:19,620 --> 00:44:22,700 I don't see it as, like, something negative. 787 00:44:25,260 --> 00:44:28,500 Psychosis goes to the heart of your identity. 788 00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:31,620 People feel that they're putting themselves back together 789 00:44:31,620 --> 00:44:35,340 like a jigsaw puzzle, so this, a place like the drop-in, 790 00:44:35,340 --> 00:44:38,100 when they can share experiences, can help them to realise 791 00:44:38,100 --> 00:44:40,180 other people are going through the same thing. 792 00:44:40,180 --> 00:44:42,900 "If they can get through it, then so can I." 793 00:44:42,900 --> 00:44:45,180 That's all right. Well done. 794 00:44:46,620 --> 00:44:48,860 I've got this third party voice. 795 00:44:48,860 --> 00:44:50,660 There's my voice... 796 00:44:51,780 --> 00:44:53,140 ..your voice... 797 00:44:54,260 --> 00:44:57,580 ..and the voice that sounds like it's a teacher 798 00:44:57,580 --> 00:45:00,300 in an overcrowded classroom. 799 00:45:00,300 --> 00:45:03,580 And she's trying to talk, but nobody's listening. 800 00:45:03,580 --> 00:45:06,580 Does it tell you to do things? Yeah. 801 00:45:06,580 --> 00:45:08,100 It did do. 802 00:45:09,260 --> 00:45:12,220 I had to martyr myself to save my family. 803 00:45:12,220 --> 00:45:14,220 "Throw yourself in front of a white lorry," 804 00:45:14,220 --> 00:45:17,220 because the white resembles this kind of purity thing 805 00:45:17,220 --> 00:45:20,900 where you have a chance that you might come back. 806 00:45:20,900 --> 00:45:24,580 And when you saw it, you stepped out in front of it. 807 00:45:26,180 --> 00:45:28,780 I didn't step out in front of it. I took a really deep breath 808 00:45:28,780 --> 00:45:31,460 like I did now and just went for it. 809 00:45:32,460 --> 00:45:35,580 Hit it, rolled. 810 00:45:35,580 --> 00:45:38,900 I can remember just getting off and running off. I left that lorry. 811 00:45:38,900 --> 00:45:41,340 Did he stop? I'm so sorry. He did. 812 00:45:41,340 --> 00:45:44,220 He stopped and another car stopped and I ran. 813 00:45:44,220 --> 00:45:47,220 I... And I... I'm really sorry... 814 00:45:48,380 --> 00:45:51,180 ..to have done that to that person in that... 815 00:45:51,180 --> 00:45:55,020 But I really thought that this was the way that I had to go. 816 00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:58,020 Yeah. I can't believe that I did it, but I did. 817 00:45:59,420 --> 00:46:03,860 If I'd gone to a doctor just days before I hit that lorry, 818 00:46:03,860 --> 00:46:05,860 I wouldn't have gone into hospital. 819 00:46:07,220 --> 00:46:09,300 Yeah, I'm the same. 820 00:46:09,300 --> 00:46:12,220 If I'd have taken the bottle of tablets... 821 00:46:13,700 --> 00:46:17,660 ..when I was probably supposed to, I wouldn't have had this huge... 822 00:46:19,060 --> 00:46:21,140 ..dramatic crash that I ended up having. 823 00:46:22,260 --> 00:46:24,780 But I remember how much I used to fight it, 824 00:46:24,780 --> 00:46:28,220 how much I was in denial about things and how angry I used to get 825 00:46:28,220 --> 00:46:30,580 and refuse help. 826 00:46:30,580 --> 00:46:31,980 But then... 827 00:46:33,180 --> 00:46:35,420 ..when you know you need it, get it. 828 00:46:35,420 --> 00:46:39,020 Yeah. When you know you're really off balance, don't... 829 00:46:39,020 --> 00:46:42,980 I couldn't... I can't believe I could let myself get that bad. 830 00:46:45,300 --> 00:46:47,940 I don't know if you still hear voices or see things. 831 00:46:47,940 --> 00:46:49,900 What do you do when you...? 832 00:46:51,020 --> 00:46:53,060 Check in with myself. SHE EXHALES 833 00:46:55,740 --> 00:46:59,060 Remind myself that this type of thing has happened before. 834 00:47:00,900 --> 00:47:03,220 And it's just my third party voice. 835 00:47:03,220 --> 00:47:04,900 Don't have to listen to it, 836 00:47:04,900 --> 00:47:06,820 certainly don't have to answer to it. 837 00:47:06,820 --> 00:47:09,140 It's just my third party voice. 838 00:47:09,140 --> 00:47:11,420 Get on with what you're doing. Keep washing up. 839 00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:15,460 You guys have really kind of helped me out a little bit. 840 00:47:15,460 --> 00:47:16,500 You guys are... 841 00:47:17,700 --> 00:47:21,300 ..kind of helping me out a little bit. But it's... 842 00:47:22,380 --> 00:47:25,020 ..because we're being honest with each other. 843 00:47:25,020 --> 00:47:26,940 That's... That... Yeah. 844 00:47:26,940 --> 00:47:30,860 I've nothing... Sometimes you hit a place where you have to be honest... 845 00:47:30,860 --> 00:47:33,380 Yeah. ..about everything. 846 00:47:42,420 --> 00:47:45,740 Incredible girl. Incredible girl. 847 00:47:45,740 --> 00:47:49,100 She's just astonishing, how she's dealing with it. 848 00:47:50,380 --> 00:47:53,580 And the things that she's talking about, I recognise all of them. 849 00:47:54,820 --> 00:47:58,420 And she's still able to kind of be articulate and... 850 00:48:01,100 --> 00:48:03,580 ..together, because I'm a bit of a mess at the minute. 851 00:48:03,580 --> 00:48:05,820 I've got to be honest with you. 852 00:48:13,740 --> 00:48:16,980 I've not necessarily been... 853 00:48:16,980 --> 00:48:19,140 ..honest with myself over the years, and... 854 00:48:20,140 --> 00:48:22,860 ..this process has made me realise 855 00:48:22,860 --> 00:48:24,940 how much of myself I probably buried. 856 00:48:27,140 --> 00:48:30,540 I've never felt ashamed of it, I've never felt ashamed of the breakdown. 857 00:48:30,540 --> 00:48:33,020 But maybe I felt ashamed of the reasons, 858 00:48:33,020 --> 00:48:35,100 the reasons why I had the breakdown. 859 00:48:37,220 --> 00:48:40,380 I sometimes perhaps feel I'm not quite enough 860 00:48:40,380 --> 00:48:44,540 or I'm not good enough or I'm not black enough or I'm not... 861 00:48:45,780 --> 00:48:48,500 You know, I think there's... There are times when I've... 862 00:48:49,540 --> 00:48:51,180 ..had that issue. 863 00:48:54,020 --> 00:48:56,860 By finding out about my most vulnerable moment, 864 00:48:56,860 --> 00:48:59,260 I feel like I'm starting to own it. 865 00:48:59,260 --> 00:49:01,740 But there's a part that's missing. 866 00:49:01,740 --> 00:49:03,220 PHONE RINGS Hello. 867 00:49:03,220 --> 00:49:07,260 Hello, Mum. Oh, hi, kid. How are you doing? I'm well. How are you? 868 00:49:07,260 --> 00:49:09,340 Oh, not too bad. 869 00:49:09,340 --> 00:49:13,700 VOICEOVER: Even though my family were a huge part of my recovery, 870 00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:16,860 we've really never talked about my psychosis. 871 00:49:18,420 --> 00:49:21,460 Once I'd been released from Whittington... 872 00:49:22,820 --> 00:49:27,460 ..my sister and my mum came to take me back to Birmingham 873 00:49:27,460 --> 00:49:30,100 and hopefully start my recovery. 874 00:49:30,100 --> 00:49:33,220 But something happened again which made me relapse. 875 00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:34,580 Hi, Mum. 876 00:49:34,580 --> 00:49:36,540 Oh, hi, bab. How are you? 877 00:49:36,540 --> 00:49:38,060 Where are you off to? Good. 878 00:49:38,060 --> 00:49:40,500 THEY CHUCKLE Thanks for doing this. 879 00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,740 Oh, OK, love. You all right? Yeah. 880 00:49:42,740 --> 00:49:45,380 VOICEOVER: For the first time since it happened, 881 00:49:45,380 --> 00:49:47,740 Mum's agreed to talk about it with me. 882 00:49:47,740 --> 00:49:52,220 We have to go around... Oh, goodness. It's so long ago. 883 00:49:52,220 --> 00:49:54,820 I'm still trying to work out the chronology, then, Mum. 884 00:49:54,820 --> 00:49:57,180 Yeah. Don't forget it happened twice. 885 00:49:57,180 --> 00:49:59,140 OK. Remember you had the first... 886 00:49:59,140 --> 00:50:01,860 You had the first incident when Jeremy... 887 00:50:01,860 --> 00:50:04,180 When Jeremy called... Mm-hmm. 888 00:50:04,180 --> 00:50:06,900 ..and told me what was wrong and we came and fetched you. 889 00:50:06,900 --> 00:50:10,220 Brought you to Birmingham and you got better 890 00:50:10,220 --> 00:50:13,740 but then you went back to London and then something... 891 00:50:13,740 --> 00:50:16,900 I think you did something, you smoked something or did something, I don't know. 892 00:50:16,900 --> 00:50:18,420 Possibly. Possibly smoked again. 893 00:50:18,420 --> 00:50:20,340 I think you did it, smoked something. 894 00:50:20,340 --> 00:50:22,980 So then you came to get me. And that's when we fetched you. 895 00:50:22,980 --> 00:50:25,340 Yeah. You came back here. Yeah, yeah. 896 00:50:25,340 --> 00:50:29,780 And the doctor said, "Well, you'll have to go away for a while," he said. 897 00:50:32,420 --> 00:50:35,740 Four weeks after being released from the Whittington Hospital in London, 898 00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:37,980 I ended up here, in what was then 899 00:50:37,980 --> 00:50:40,660 the Hollymoor Hospital in Birmingham, 900 00:50:40,660 --> 00:50:42,420 on another locked ward. 901 00:50:43,580 --> 00:50:47,060 I don't remember arriving at the Hollymoor but I remember trying to get out. 902 00:50:49,260 --> 00:50:52,980 I remember sitting there thinking, "Where's my mum? 903 00:50:54,060 --> 00:50:56,380 "I don't know anybody in here, I don't need to be in here," 904 00:50:56,380 --> 00:50:58,980 and I remember going to the doors and trying to push the doors open, 905 00:50:58,980 --> 00:51:00,980 and they were locked. 906 00:51:02,580 --> 00:51:05,980 I didn't enjoy leaving you behind. Honest to God. Mm. 907 00:51:05,980 --> 00:51:10,100 You know, I remember having a prayer and I just said to the Lord, 908 00:51:10,100 --> 00:51:11,860 whatever else is... 909 00:51:11,860 --> 00:51:13,940 Just whatever is wrong, just... 910 00:51:15,660 --> 00:51:18,140 ..let it be me and not David. 911 00:51:18,140 --> 00:51:20,700 As I walked down here. 912 00:51:20,700 --> 00:51:24,140 Just let me, you know... Take me and not David. 913 00:51:26,420 --> 00:51:32,460 I remember having to take the anti-psychotic medication every day, 914 00:51:32,460 --> 00:51:33,900 and it... 915 00:51:33,900 --> 00:51:38,820 SLOWLY: ..made me...like...that. 916 00:51:38,820 --> 00:51:40,660 Really slow. 917 00:51:42,220 --> 00:51:44,220 They were really depressing me. 918 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:49,620 I would never advocate psychosis is treated with medication alone, 919 00:51:49,620 --> 00:51:52,780 but the medication helps to treat the symptoms, 920 00:51:52,780 --> 00:51:55,740 help people feel better, help them become more robust, 921 00:51:55,740 --> 00:52:00,260 and it also minimises the risk of a further episode of psychosis, 922 00:52:00,260 --> 00:52:03,100 particularly in that first 12 months. 923 00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:09,540 Around 15% of people never have another episode of psychosis 924 00:52:09,540 --> 00:52:12,340 and never need to use medication again. 925 00:52:14,140 --> 00:52:18,380 But some people need medication longer term 926 00:52:18,380 --> 00:52:21,020 to prevent multiple episodes of psychosis. 927 00:52:22,340 --> 00:52:24,100 KNOCKING 928 00:52:25,500 --> 00:52:28,580 Hello, David. Hello. How are you? Nice to see you again. 929 00:52:28,580 --> 00:52:30,460 Nice to see you. Yeah. Nice to see you. 930 00:52:30,460 --> 00:52:32,340 Shall I give you the grand tour? 931 00:52:32,340 --> 00:52:34,980 I mean, only... Only if you want. It's only a one-bedroom flat. 932 00:52:34,980 --> 00:52:37,580 It's not used to... It's not. 933 00:52:37,580 --> 00:52:39,540 The lobby. The lobby. THEY CHUCKLE 934 00:52:45,180 --> 00:52:46,900 Oh, that was my very first ship. 935 00:52:46,900 --> 00:52:48,820 In my 20s. That's me. 936 00:52:50,620 --> 00:52:51,940 Employee of the month. 937 00:52:51,940 --> 00:52:55,380 You got employee of the month. Cheesy... Cheesy cheese balls. 938 00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:57,700 Yeah, I used to get employee of the month. 939 00:52:59,220 --> 00:53:02,700 Yeah. I was in Langkawi in Malaysia. 940 00:53:02,700 --> 00:53:05,820 Thailand. You've travelled a hell of a lot. 941 00:53:05,820 --> 00:53:08,580 Yeah. I did seven world cruises before the age of 30. 942 00:53:08,580 --> 00:53:10,460 Not bragging, but that's... CHUCKLES 943 00:53:11,820 --> 00:53:16,140 Do you miss those days? Thailand. I miss the travelling days. 944 00:53:16,140 --> 00:53:18,940 I miss the travelling. Would you want to go back to it? 945 00:53:18,940 --> 00:53:22,900 I would go back to it, but with a very different approach. 946 00:53:22,900 --> 00:53:26,700 A lot of these pictures where I'm happy and gleaming 947 00:53:26,700 --> 00:53:28,460 and it all looks good, 948 00:53:28,460 --> 00:53:31,740 the night before I would have been up until 3:00 in the morning 949 00:53:31,740 --> 00:53:36,300 drinking, smoking and just being 950 00:53:36,300 --> 00:53:39,380 very self-destructive. Mm. 951 00:53:39,380 --> 00:53:42,860 But my motto was as long as I get to breakfast, you know, 952 00:53:42,860 --> 00:53:45,460 as long as I get to breakfast I'm all right. 953 00:53:45,460 --> 00:53:48,700 I'm OK. As long as I make it to breakfast. 954 00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:54,020 Wow. These are my tablets. 955 00:53:57,740 --> 00:54:01,260 These are the other tablets sometimes I have to take. 956 00:54:02,300 --> 00:54:04,340 I take three tablets a day. 957 00:54:05,580 --> 00:54:09,460 I have diazepam and zopiclone as a patient request when needed 958 00:54:09,460 --> 00:54:13,220 and I have a depo injection once a month. 959 00:54:13,220 --> 00:54:15,300 The injection is the anti-psychotic. 960 00:54:15,300 --> 00:54:17,340 It's called paliperidone. 961 00:54:17,340 --> 00:54:21,020 Some of the side effects of my injection makes me lactate... 962 00:54:22,660 --> 00:54:26,900 ..which is weird, cos I'm not pregnant. 963 00:54:28,180 --> 00:54:30,420 That can be a bit invasive, 964 00:54:30,420 --> 00:54:34,460 but the main side effects are quite positive. 965 00:54:34,460 --> 00:54:36,340 I'm not hallucinating. 966 00:54:36,340 --> 00:54:39,020 I'm not hearing as much as what I was hearing before. 967 00:54:39,020 --> 00:54:43,180 Not anywhere near what I was hearing or seeing before. 968 00:54:43,180 --> 00:54:45,900 So those are positive side effects. 969 00:54:45,900 --> 00:54:48,220 What happens if you don't take them? 970 00:54:48,220 --> 00:54:50,980 Can you sense it coming on? 971 00:54:50,980 --> 00:54:54,380 The anti-psychotic when I stopped taking the quetiapine, 972 00:54:54,380 --> 00:54:56,140 I would... 973 00:54:56,140 --> 00:54:58,500 I would be quite irrational and... 974 00:54:59,540 --> 00:55:02,700 ..quite aggressive sometimes, I'd hallucinate before bedtime. 975 00:55:02,700 --> 00:55:04,620 Wow. Yeah. Wow. 976 00:55:04,620 --> 00:55:07,260 Good girl. I mean, phew. 977 00:55:07,260 --> 00:55:09,100 Oh, you inspire me, actually. 978 00:55:09,100 --> 00:55:10,820 Really? Yeah. 979 00:55:10,820 --> 00:55:15,060 Despite the condition and the tablets and all of the stuff 980 00:55:15,060 --> 00:55:17,380 that you're having to deal with, 981 00:55:17,380 --> 00:55:20,380 you still can look me in the eye and smile and make me laugh 982 00:55:20,380 --> 00:55:22,540 and, you know, you've still got that. 983 00:55:22,540 --> 00:55:24,700 I think that's a real testament to you. 984 00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:26,540 You don't have to let it defeat you. 985 00:55:26,540 --> 00:55:29,780 I don't have to let it defeat me, and I don't have to wear a sign 986 00:55:29,780 --> 00:55:32,740 above my head to say I've got a mental illness 987 00:55:32,740 --> 00:55:36,660 or I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, leave me alone. 988 00:55:36,660 --> 00:55:39,380 Mm. But, yeah. 989 00:55:39,380 --> 00:55:43,460 I have to... I have to accept what's going on. 990 00:55:43,460 --> 00:55:45,700 I'm a lot calmer, I'm a lot rationaler. 991 00:55:45,700 --> 00:55:49,060 You seem very calm today. Yeah. Yeah. 992 00:55:50,460 --> 00:55:53,300 Try not to let my past haunt me too much. 993 00:55:57,940 --> 00:56:02,740 I think I've been extremely lucky that my confusion, my delusion... 994 00:56:03,820 --> 00:56:06,100 ..was almost like a fever. 995 00:56:06,100 --> 00:56:08,740 That's not true for everybody. 996 00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:12,380 Some people, their mental health is a real battle 997 00:56:12,380 --> 00:56:14,140 just to get through the day. 998 00:56:17,620 --> 00:56:20,660 It's been really tough to do this 999 00:56:20,660 --> 00:56:22,620 but at the same time, 1000 00:56:22,620 --> 00:56:24,860 I've learned a hell of a lot. 1001 00:56:26,020 --> 00:56:31,740 One of the things that was told to me was that people in psychiatric hospitals... 1002 00:56:32,860 --> 00:56:37,260 ..get less "get well" cards than any other form of illness. 1003 00:56:39,460 --> 00:56:42,140 Because there's no language to talk about it. 1004 00:56:42,140 --> 00:56:45,380 People don't want to tell people that they've had a psychiatric problem. 1005 00:56:45,380 --> 00:56:47,900 People are ashamed of their psychiatric problems. 1006 00:56:50,540 --> 00:56:54,460 But what's hopeful is that there's a way back and there's a... 1007 00:56:56,180 --> 00:56:59,340 Not for everyone, but there's a way back. 1008 00:57:00,580 --> 00:57:04,660 Over to the right, there. Do you remember? That top flat, that was my flat. 1009 00:57:04,660 --> 00:57:06,980 This one here. Yeah. That top one there. 1010 00:57:09,900 --> 00:57:15,300 After 15 days at the Hollymoor Hospital, Mum brought me back home. 1011 00:57:15,300 --> 00:57:17,220 My medication was slowly reduced. 1012 00:57:19,100 --> 00:57:22,220 When they said you could come home, I just... 1013 00:57:22,220 --> 00:57:25,820 We just got the bus and we came home. And that was it. 1014 00:57:25,820 --> 00:57:28,500 The old David came back. 1015 00:57:28,500 --> 00:57:31,340 I don't think it was the old David, I think it was a new David. 1016 00:57:31,340 --> 00:57:33,020 Oh, well. 1017 00:57:34,340 --> 00:57:37,220 No, you could be right. Yeah. 1018 00:57:37,220 --> 00:57:38,660 You've come a long way. 1019 00:57:38,660 --> 00:57:40,940 CHUCKLES 1020 00:57:40,940 --> 00:57:44,340 Look, Mum, you know, I mean, I say one of the things I've realised 1021 00:57:44,340 --> 00:57:48,900 throughout all of this is how much I relied on Nick and Jez, 1022 00:57:48,900 --> 00:57:51,100 but, I mean, you've been a real soldier. 1023 00:57:51,100 --> 00:57:53,020 I did try. I did try. 1024 00:57:53,020 --> 00:57:54,860 Try? You did it! 1025 00:57:54,860 --> 00:57:56,380 I did try. 1026 00:57:56,380 --> 00:57:58,500 You'll always be my David. 1027 00:58:01,100 --> 00:58:03,700 Thanks, Mum. 1028 00:58:03,700 --> 00:58:05,820 OK. Don't mention it. It will cost you! 1029 00:58:05,820 --> 00:58:08,380 THEY CHUCKLE 1030 00:58:08,380 --> 00:58:09,740 Oh, God! 1031 00:58:11,020 --> 00:58:13,700 Shall we get some food? Huh? Shall we get some food? 1032 00:58:13,700 --> 00:58:15,980 Yeah. I suppose so, yeah. Get in the car. 1033 00:58:24,580 --> 00:58:27,060 If you want to find out more about psychosis 1034 00:58:27,060 --> 00:58:29,860 and understand the misconceptions around it, 1035 00:58:29,860 --> 00:58:31,580 go to the web page on the screen 1036 00:58:31,580 --> 00:58:33,780 and follow the links to the Open University.