1
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,720
It's beautiful, isn't it?

2
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,200
It's my favourite place
in the whole wide world.

3
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,600
But what do you see
when you look here?

4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:24,680
I imagine you see trees,
green leaves, some branches,

5
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,440
a beautiful woodland scene.

6
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,440
But what I see is different,

7
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,880
because I'm seeing every trunk,
every branch.

8
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,160
I'm seeing the connections
between them.

9
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,720
And then I see the leaves.

10
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,520
I can see the slightly
different colours,

11
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,000
slightly different shapes,

12
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,120
any damage that's been done to them.

13
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:51,480
As a naturalist,
this is enormously beneficial.

14
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:56,480
But sometimes all of this,
the visual part of my world,

15
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,040
is simply too much.

16
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,200
It becomes utterly overwhelming.

17
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,080
And that's because I'm autistic.

18
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:12,240
In 2017, I first shared
my autism diagnosis on television.

19
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,080
Since then, I've been astonished
by the thousands of letters

20
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,760
and emails I've received
from other autistic people...

21
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,920
..some telling me the programme
had helped them connect

22
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:27,160
with the people around them, but
others telling me they're lonely,

23
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,160
miserable, even suicidal,

24
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,480
because they feel the world
doesn't understand them.

25
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,280
For me, these letters reveal
a hidden crisis,

26
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:45,240
because estimates suggest there
could be as many as 700,000

27
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:48,120
autistic people in the UK.

28
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:52,920
And I think that the wider world
still doesn't really understand

29
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,840
what it means to be autistic.

30
00:01:56,120 --> 00:02:00,480
And this is a problem for those
of us who already feel excluded,

31
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,160
different, like we don't fit in.

32
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:13,280
In this series,
I want to do something about it.

33
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,800
Working with top film-makers,
graphic designers,

34
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,440
animators, and musicians,

35
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,880
I'm giving four autistic people
the chance to bring

36
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,760
their experiences to life...

37
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,000
That's it.

38
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,680
..by creating short films...

39
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,240
OK, cool.

40
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,240
..that reveal to their friends
and families...

41
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,600
To my mum.

42
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,600
..how they're really feeling inside.

43
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,440
Sometimes I can't cope at all.

44
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:42,840
I hope to give all of us a better
understanding of our autistic minds.

45
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:48,360
For much of my early life,
I felt completely misunderstood,

46
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:52,200
like no-one knew what was going on
inside my head,

47
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,120
how different my world was.

48
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:59,200
If I can now change that
for just one person,

49
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,760
then my work here will be done.

50
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,240
There's no one autistic experience.

51
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,160
Every autistic person has their
own unique set of strengths

52
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,560
and challenges, not always
apparent to the naked eye.

53
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:30,640
And that's certainly the case
for the first person I'm meeting.

54
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,280
I'm on lettuce. I'm on lettuce.
I've got tomatoes.

55
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,160
Get out my way!

56
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,920
Flo is 28 and lives in Wiltshire
with her husband Duncan.

57
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,880
No! Oh.
Immediately died.

58
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,800
Nearly everyone...
Immediately died.

59
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,800
In her spare time, she enjoys
performing improvised comedy,

60
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,880
and tonight, at this pub,
her troupe are topping the bill.

61
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:58,040
I don't know who's more scared,
Flo or me.

62
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:02,040
I'm not a fan of pubs,
or any busy noisy spaces,

63
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,960
and this room
is getting louder and louder.

64
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,920
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Runaways.

65
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

66
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,760
This is the last place

67
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,640
I would expect to find
another autistic person...

68
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,880
Thank you. Slightly overestimated
how tall I am there.

69
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,760
..let alone see one onstage.

70
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:31,520
I'm going to ask you to shout out
the name of this gerbil for me.

71
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,400
He doesn't have a name yet
because I've only just imagined him.

72
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,520
THEY SHOUT POTENTIAL GERBIL NAMES

73
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,880
Pretty sure that was
overwhelmingly Gary.

74
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,600
Now, improv might not be
my cup of tea,

75
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,440
but I am impressed
by Flo's confidence and wit.

76
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,120
It's often said that autistic people
struggle in large groups...

77
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:55,000
"She flung herself into his arms,
kissed him almost violently."

78
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,760
MWAH!

79
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,000
..but the audience are eating
out of her hands.

80
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,840
I can transfer you to a clinic.

81
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,600
LAUGHTER

82
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,000
Thank you ever so much.
We have been The Runaways.

83
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,800
CHEERING

84
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,120
You might not even realise
Flo is autistic,

85
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,040
but I suspect
this might be part of the act.

86
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,880
Hello.
All right?

87
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,440
OK?

88
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,800
Now I am, yeah.

89
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,520
Why weren't you before?

90
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,000
I was incredibly nervous.

91
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,760
A lot of the people who meet you,
I think, will see a confident

92
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,480
young woman who's on the stage
doing comedy in front of

93
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,320
a large audience of people.

94
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:39,520
These are not things that people
would normally associate

95
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,880
with autism.
No.

96
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,880
Why are you comfortable
to do improv?

97
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,760
I think for me, any conversation
at any point in time,

98
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,600
is improvisation.

99
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:53,560
So improv comedy for me is exactly
what I do when I go to the shop,

100
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,320
and the person behind the counter
is asking me about my day.

101
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,520
The way that I hope to communicate
with that person

102
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,080
is usually based on rules.

103
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,720
I love rules in a conversation.

104
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,440
I love small talk because if someone
goes, "How are you doing?

105
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,840
"How was your day?" I can go,
"It was great, thank you.

106
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,680
"How was yours?"
I know what comes next.

107
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,120
But that isn't really you.
Mm.

108
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,800
That's something that you've created
in order to be able to exist

109
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,880
in that environment.
Yeah.

110
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,720
So typically, we would describe that
as masking,

111
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,360
and a lot of autistic people
use that.

112
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,920
Mm. I mean, the eye contact
that I'm making with you now...

113
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,360
You're conscious of it.
Yeah.

114
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,520
So am I.
Yeah.

115
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,680
It's weird, isn't it?
And I'm not looking at your eyes.

116
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,400
I'm looking here.
Yeah. Yeah.

117
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,080
So would you say, then...?

118
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,280
Masking or camouflaging is when
autistic people consciously copy

119
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,400
the behaviour and mannerisms
of others,

120
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,800
whilst keeping anything
society deems unusual hidden away.

121
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,120
I'm never speaking my native
language, and it is exhausting.

122
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,920
I'm really tired.
I've burnt out from work,

123
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,920
I've burnt out from friendships,
I isolate myself sometimes,

124
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:59,080
and that happens more frequently
than I would like it to.

125
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,160
What percentage of your life
do you think is that added part

126
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,880
you've built around your personality
so that you can be

127
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,680
socially functional?

128
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,200
I'd say 95% of my time
that I'm awake, I am masking.

129
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,600
When I'm with my husband, Duncan,
I'm not under the same pressure.

130
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:17,800
I think he's the only human being
alive who's ever seen me unmasked.

131
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,400
What about your parents?
No.

132
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,320
This is shocking,
but sadly, not uncommon.

133
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,760
OK.

134
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,120
And this is what Flo hopes
to address in the film

135
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,680
we're going to make together...

136
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,120
Did you grow up around here,
then, Flo?

137
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,440
I didn't.

138
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,840
My mum in the last few years has
lived here with my stepdad, Ian.

139
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,160
Hello?

140
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,560
..because if there's one person in
the world she'd really like

141
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,600
to open up to, it's her mum, Ruth.

142
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,880
Hi, Chris, nice to meet you.
How do you do? My mum.

143
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:57,920
Now, Flo wasn't diagnosed as
autistic until her early 20s...

144
00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,840
I've got loads of photos of Flo.

145
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,920
Just a couple, then.
Just a couple.

146
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:06,000
..so I'm curious whether there were
any clues in her childhood.

147
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,280
Yeah.

148
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,440
I mean, I'm in a lot of boxes,

149
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,960
and that's me at my birthday,
very, very anxious.

150
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,840
Yes. Didn't like that at all,
did you?

151
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,640
I didn't want... I didn't want
the attention, I don't think.

152
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,640
This is me and my childhood
best friend, Daisy.

153
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,640
She's obviously come round
for a playdate.

154
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,800
And you're reading a book.

155
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,080
And I was in my own little
bubble there. Mm.

156
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,760
I'm not paying any attention
to anything that was around me. Mm.

157
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,800
Do you remember when I used to feel
sick a lot at primary school? Mm.

158
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,240
It's because I was so anxious
about going into school

159
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,600
and masking all day
in front of these children.

160
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,720
I knew that they weren't
real stomach-aches,

161
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,960
and I did go to the GP,

162
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
and the GP said,
"It's like an abdominal migraine."

163
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,400
"Abdominal migraine."
That's what the GP said.

164
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,560
I didn't know you as a child,
and I don't really know you now,

165
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,480
of course, but there's a picture
developing, isn't there?

166
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,400
And it's not one that needs to be
printed on a piece of paper.

167
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:07,360
Knowing now that I was
a little autistic child,

168
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,480
looking at these pictures
tells a more in-depth story

169
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,200
than I think we thought at the time.

170
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:17,080
Here's a difficult question to ask
a mother - as a percentage,

171
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,080
how well do you think
you know your daughter?

172
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,720
I will say...

173
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,280
..93%.

174
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,760
Very precise.
Yes!

175
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,800
I love the precision.
I love the three.

176
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,960
I won't ask why the difference
between two and three.

177
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,680
That's a very high percentage.
Yeah.

178
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:37,160
OK, Flo, now, you've got to be
honest, as an autistic person -

179
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,240
what percentage do you think
that your mum knows you?

180
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,600
Probably 70%.

181
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,120
OK.
Mm.

182
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,000
Yeah.
Yeah.

183
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,320
There's a 23% difference.

184
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,680
There is a bit of a difference,
yeah.

185
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,600
How do you feel the chat
with your mum went, then?

186
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,400
Mm.

187
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:02,480
I want to, you know,
embark on being more open with her

188
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,840
about what it is like having autism.

189
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,080
But I'm afraid that...

190
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:12,280
I'm still afraid that she'd be
upset or disappointed

191
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,880
if she saw both sides of me,
or the whole me.

192
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,440
You don't think the good
would outweigh...

193
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,080
I'm not going to say it's bad.
..the other?

194
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,400
I think it probably would.

195
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,600
I think it's just difficult
for me to get there.

196
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:32,360
It felt like, when I was born,
I wasn't given the handbook

197
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:37,600
on being a normal human being,
and I hated myself. Mm.

198
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,080
Still something that I struggle
with, to be honest.

199
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,600
It's one of the things that gets me
up and makes me want to talk

200
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,080
about these sorts of things.

201
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,600
I still feel that there are
teenagers,

202
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:51,240
people in their early 20s,
out there in their bedrooms,

203
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:56,000
beating themselves to death, quite
frankly, because there isn't

204
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,040
an option for them in that moment.
Mm.

205
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,640
And we've got to say to them,
you know, "There is..." Mm.

206
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,480
..and it does continue
to get better.

207
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,760
Mm. That's good for me to know,
actually.

208
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,960
Yeah.
Yeah.

209
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:14,960
I want to give Flo the confidence
to show more of her autistic self,

210
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:19,320
but I worry about whether she'll
be able to let that mask slip.

211
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,840
There's a saying that,
if you've met one autistic person,

212
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,680
then you've met one autistic person,

213
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:36,680
and the next person I'm meeting
couldn't be more different from Flo.

214
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:40,600
OK, so Murray is 20 years old,
lives in Oxfordshire.

215
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,600
He's non-speaking.

216
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,760
Now, some people say nonverbal.

217
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,720
The thing is that Murray
has never spoken.

218
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,200
Instead, he communicates
by typing on a tablet,

219
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,880
which is a slow and tiring process.

220
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,920
The key thing is that,
despite not speaking,

221
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,560
Murray desperately wants people
to know

222
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,160
what's going on inside his mind.

223
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,640
Because of Murray's
communication challenges,

224
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,960
I'm meeting him with his mum,
Kerith...

225
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,880
Hello.
Hi.

226
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,200
Hi, Kerith.

227
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,800
..and his dad,
Radio 2 DJ Ken Bruce.

228
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:30,640
So, Murray, you have to know there's
no pressure in any way, shape,

229
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:35,320
or form, but we're really keen to
understand more about your world.

230
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,080
What do you want to say?

231
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,640
HE LAUGHS

232
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,440
Is it a bit overwhelming?

233
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,040
Sometimes when Murray laughs,

234
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,680
he just finds it all
a little bit overwhelming.

235
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,080
Shall we have a go?

236
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,120
Murray is anxious around new people,

237
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,440
has difficulty processing
his thoughts,

238
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,720
and is sensitive to sudden noises,

239
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,880
which he uses headphones
to try and block out.

240
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:07,000
He also has apraxia,
which affects his fine motor skills.

241
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,600
He can't always get to the letter
that he wants immediately.

242
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,520
He needs time,
so it can be a very slow process.

243
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,880
Ready to say anything?

244
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,880
He needs a bit of encouragement,
just a hand on his shoulder,

245
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,440
make him realise
that's the arm to use.

246
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,240
So, Murray,
do you want me to play it out?

247
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,000
Yes, please pick a voice for me
to speak with,

248
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,920
as autistic people
need to be heard in this world.

249
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,000
OK. Well done, Murray. Thank you.

250
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,200
Thank you, Murray.

251
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,080
Murray's response struck me
as a little strange,

252
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,800
but then my producer explained
that earlier, they'd asked Murray

253
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,640
how he'd feel about having an actor
voice his words in the series.

254
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:54,720
His answer, "Please pick a voice for
me," was the most important thing

255
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,560
for him to communicate
in this moment.

256
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,760
Going for a wander, Murray?

257
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,040
So Murray's moved over to the
other side of the room there.

258
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,360
Yeah.

259
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,760
It's probably just a little bit
overwhelming for him.

260
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,560
Just needs a little break
every so often,

261
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,880
just to process things, really.
Yeah.

262
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,240
Whilst Murray takes some time
for himself,

263
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,360
Kerith shares with me some of
the things he's written previously

264
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,360
about his autistic experience.

265
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,440
"I would like to speak on behalf
of people who have autism

266
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:29,120
"and for people who have difficulty
in speaking.

267
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,040
"Every person with autism should
be made welcome to contribute

268
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,600
"to the world as much as those

269
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,480
"who consider themselves
intellectually superior."

270
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,560
It's very profound,

271
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:46,000
and the first thing it illustrates
is that he's very intelligent.

272
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,520
Mm. Absolutely.

273
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,680
So this is a pretty clear message.

274
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,040
Yeah, he's not holding back.

275
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,920
And it can be forgotten that
just because he can't speak

276
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,680
doesn't mean that... He's got so
much going on in his brain,

277
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,240
so much to give and so much to say.

278
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:06,440
I want to see what Murray's like
when he's completely at ease,

279
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,000
a place where he has fun,

280
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,720
so that afternoon, we head
to Horses Helping People...

281
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,040
Murray, do you want to go out
to the fields?

282
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,600
Do some poo picking?

283
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,080
Do you want to take the barrow?

284
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,160
..a stables where autistic children
and teenagers

285
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,600
can spend time caring for animals.

286
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,280
It's lovely to see you, Murray.

287
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,840
When was the last time
Murray was here?

288
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,080
About two years ago.

289
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,080
I think we can safely say
he's missed coming. Yeah! He has.

290
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,720
Murray has been visiting the stable
since the age of five.

291
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,920
Yeah, you get that one, Murray.

292
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,160
I'll get this one over here.

293
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,760
It was great to see Murray
arriving here.

294
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,720
He was just like,
"Yeah! Let's get going."

295
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,720
Shall we work together on that one?

296
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,160
It's great.
It's a great environment to be in.

297
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,880
Can you help me with Commander?

298
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,080
That's it. Over to the arena.

299
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,280
And can you shut the gate for me?

300
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:08,240
Ken, have you ever been struck
by the irony that you essentially

301
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,360
make a living out of talking

302
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,440
whilst the son who you love so much
is non-speaking?

303
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,920
Yeah, it has struck me.

304
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:20,360
It's a cruel irony, and I don't
think it's lost on Murray either.

305
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:24,160
I talk a lot for my work,
but because Murray's utterances

306
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:28,880
on the iPad and keyboard are so few
and far between, what he says

307
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:34,400
has a real power and influence,
and each word has to be treasured,

308
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,920
I think.

309
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,360
Murray, do you want to
help with the hay?

310
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,040
Put some hay into the rack?

311
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:44,120
He gets so frustrated, gets so down,
not being able to speak.

312
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,480
I think he gets frustrated hearing
his siblings chattering away,

313
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,160
and he's often commented
that he wishes he could join in,

314
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,640
he wishes he could just
say what he feels instantly.

315
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,480
I think he gets really worried about
what other people think of him,

316
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:02,320
and angry as well, and upset,
that people still think that,

317
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,160
because he can't speak, he doesn't
have anything in his brain.

318
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,440
Sometimes it's because he's heard
people talking about him,

319
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,600
so he internalises it and it
makes him more and more obsessed.

320
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,920
Chris, I've got something
that Murray wrote

321
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,760
about his time down here.

322
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,160
Debbie La-Haye owns and runs
the stables,

323
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,040
and has got to know Murray well
over the years.

324
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,680
"Sometimes I don't want to ride,
but just be in the same area

325
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,400
"as the horses because they breathe
understanding into the air,

326
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,200
"and it fills me with warmth
and immunity against ignorance.

327
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,480
"The horses are dear souls
in an autistic world."

328
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,880
People are going to look at Murray,

329
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,800
and they're going to do
what they always do,

330
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,120
which is make a snap judgment,

331
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:56,000
and they simply won't believe
that this has come out of his mind.

332
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,600
Yeah, he gets right to the heart
of things.

333
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,960
And if this is inside his head, it
makes you wonder what else is there,

334
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,320
doesn't it?

335
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,520
I want to help Murray
take his message to the world,

336
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,880
and I'm hoping the film
we're going to create together

337
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,600
will do just that,
to breathe life into his words

338
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,760
and give him the chance

339
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,520
to be a voice for
non-speaking autistic people.

340
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:31,040
In Salisbury, I'm keen to find out
more about the unmasked Flo,

341
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,440
the authentic self
she wants to share in her film...

342
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,960
Hello. Hello.
How are you doing?

343
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,600
Got a bad back.
Have you? So have I.

344
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,800
Do you want to come in?

345
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,200
Hello.
Hello.

346
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,680
Duncan. Nice to meet you.

347
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,160
..with the help of her husband,
Duncan.

348
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:53,840
Flo, you said that you were only
able to drop your mask completely

349
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,320
in front of Duncan.
Yep.

350
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,640
So, Duncan, what's Flo like
when the mask is off?

351
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:03,000
She is very quiet,
incredibly self-focused,

352
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,080
and almost dead to the world.

353
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:09,280
It is very different than what
you look like normally, I think.

354
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,480
You've told me I get a sort of
glazed over look in my eye,

355
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,080
and that I'll appear to zone out of
whatever situation that we're in.

356
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,680
Yeah. Quite often times,
that can be fairly innocuous,

357
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,040
and you'll go about
whatever you're doing.

358
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,200
Mm-hm. And, you know,
I can be in my own little bubble.

359
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,800
For many autistic people,
unmasking means going against

360
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,240
years of training yourself
to act in a certain way,

361
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,480
years of hiding
stigmatised behaviour.

362
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,600
I do occasionally
do repetitive movements,

363
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,320
so I might rock back and forth here
on the sofa,

364
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,600
and you'll check in with me and go,
"Is that a good one or a bad one?"

365
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,400
Because sometimes I'll do it
if I'm happy.

366
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,960
My hands tend to creep up here,
don't they?

367
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,000
Yeah.
Yeah.

368
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,480
Yeah, there's like a...
There's this kind of reaction.

369
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,600
Yeah. Must be freaky.

370
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,640
SHE CHUCKLES

371
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,640
This is exactly the kind of
behaviour Flo wants to reveal

372
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,080
to her mum, so I'm leaving her and
Duncan with a camera

373
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,440
to try and capture
these unmasked moments.

374
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,520
Meanwhile...

375
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,880
I'll jump in the back.

376
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:13,880
..Flo is keen for me to understand
just how severe things can get...

377
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,800
I feel like a child
being taken out for the day.

378
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,720
We're off to the seaside today,
Chris.

379
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,120
Are we nearly there yet?
Yeah, nearly.

380
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,720
..so she wants to tell me
about an incident that happened

381
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,320
just a few weeks ago.

382
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,000
It was a normal weekday evening,
and we needed to go to the shop.

383
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,760
Yeah, I'd just finished work
and come home.

384
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,120
We decided 7:00,
and that we were going to Tesco's,

385
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,480
so I'm preparing myself for the
horrific sensory overload onslaught

386
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,080
that is a big shop.

387
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,280
And it's about probably here
in the journey, actually,

388
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,080
on this bit of road,
that I realised that

389
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,640
we're not going in the direction
that I think we're going in.

390
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:03,840
In my mind, the closest shop was
Sainsbury's, which is just in town.

391
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,440
Um...

392
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,440
And so in my mind, as I was...
And you hadn't previously

393
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,320
communicated that you were going to
Sainsbury's instead of Tesco's.

394
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,920
No. It was a surprise, basically.

395
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,480
I had forgotten
that we had agreed Tesco's.

396
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,120
So you're probably in the dark
at this point in time,

397
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,920
at how stressed I am
about the whole situation. Yeah.

398
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,920
But I had a lot of thoughts
in my head

399
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,080
and words that I wanted to say,
and because there were so many,

400
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,600
it was like trying to pass rocks
through a filter.

401
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,680
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't get it out of my mouth.

402
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,680
Flo was entering
what's called a shutdown.

403
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,760
When autistic people experience
high levels of sudden anxiety,

404
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,360
it can leave us feeling
totally overwhelmed,

405
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:48,080
unable to process thoughts
and unable to speak.

406
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,360
You were saying,
"What's going on? What's wrong?"

407
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:52,880
And I'm thinking...

408
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,680
"Can't you see that I can't
communicate with you right now?

409
00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,560
"I can't say things to you
otherwise I would be."

410
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,640
What did you say? You said something
like, "I'll do the shopping,

411
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,000
"I'll be 15 minutes and then we'll
get in the car and we'll go home."

412
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,200
Yeah.
What's happened subsequently?

413
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,400
Presumably you've been back here
to Sainsbury's?

414
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,960
Yeah.
Normally I'd stay at home, though.

415
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,440
You tend to avoid coming
to big supermarkets. Me too.

416
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,320
I've seen enough of Sainsbury's,
actually,

417
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,520
I don't want to go inside it.
Why don't we head home?

418
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:25,600
Let's do it. As far away from
the clutter, sound and smells

419
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,960
of a supermarket as possible.
Yes, please.

420
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:32,280
Stressing me out just being
in the car park, to be honest.

421
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,920
Autistic people
who continuously mask

422
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,520
are thought to be more susceptible
to shutdowns,

423
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,920
and for Flo, they're yet another
sign that something in her life

424
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,360
needs to change.

425
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,200
Back in Oxfordshire,

426
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,800
I'm spending the day with Murray
at another of his favourite haunts,

427
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,640
a local railway museum.

428
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:02,600
I fear that being non-speaking
not only masks his intelligence,

429
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,360
but his personality, too.

430
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,640
There's a brilliant carriage
up here, Murray.

431
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,760
It's really, really beautiful,
the one at the end.

432
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,120
I haven't been on it yet.

433
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,440
So I want to get to know him better
and earn his trust.

434
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,240
Oh, wow. Look at this.

435
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,720
Look at this!

436
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,960
Beautiful. Look.

437
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,840
This is Winston Churchill, Prime
Minister in the Second World War.

438
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,760
Sitting in his chair!

439
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,320
CHRIS LAUGHS

440
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,760
Sitting in Winston Churchill's
chair.

441
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,080
MURRAY LAUGHS

442
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,520
CHRIS LAUGHS

443
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,840
And there's Winston Churchill's
hat there.

444
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,280
Even though our chats
are a little one-sided,

445
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,640
I genuinely feel
we're building a rapport.

446
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,280
I might do a photo.

447
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,760
Are you able to look round the side?

448
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,280
Right, can you look out
round the side like this, Murray?

449
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,080
So like this, I'll go down there
and you have a look around the side.

450
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,120
Here you go.

451
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,680
I know. I'm never keen on pictures
myself either.

452
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,240
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

453
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:22,480
Can you imagine sitting down,
listening to a conversation,

454
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,640
and he's there...

455
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,840
..understanding,
thinking about,

456
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,600
but can't respond in time.

457
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:40,440
It would be like some sort of
torture, isn't it, really?

458
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,520
Shall we put this down for now?

459
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,160
Not at the moment. OK. OK.

460
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,640
When you're ready.

461
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,520
Oh, well done, thank you.
That's brilliant.

462
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,680
Thank you very much.
Do you want to say anything?

463
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,040
"Please tell...

464
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,360
"Please tell people that...

465
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,520
"..I really...

466
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:12,360
"..yearn...to...

467
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,600
"..speak."

468
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,960
MURRAY VOCALISES

469
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,680
You're OK.
Murray has begun to tell me

470
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,760
what he wants to express
in his film,

471
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,880
but because of how long it takes him
to process his thoughts,

472
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,520
I'm going to send him a list
of questions over email.

473
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,400
Murray, are you happy for me
to send you some emails

474
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,600
so that you can think about
the questions?

475
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,080
Would you be happy with that?

476
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,480
Happy with that?

477
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,920
Thanks. That's great.
Thank you.

478
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:48,200
These emails will be used to
form a script for Murray's film.

479
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,600
I'm excited to see what he writes.

480
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:59,000
Whilst I wait for Murray's response,
I receive a video from Flo.

481
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,720
She's managed to capture
some of her unmasked behaviour,

482
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,640
and I'm eager to watch.

483
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,360
It's brilliant that she's felt
brave enough to do this.

484
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:26,320
Because this is what she's been
hiding all of her life.

485
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,480
And this is the sort of behaviour
that most autistic people

486
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,160
are...ridiculed for.

487
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,640
The thing is, it's expressionless,

488
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,760
but inside there's
just so much going on.

489
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,760
I know what happens
when I get like this.

490
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,600
Your head's on fire,

491
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,280
but outside it looks like
there's nothing happening.

492
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,440
It's quite...
Well, I find it, you know,

493
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,000
it's quite powerful
because obviously I relate to it.

494
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,760
Someone in agony.
That's what it is.

495
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,680
It's like watching someone
who's, at that point in time,

496
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,880
in an enormous amount of distress.

497
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:23,000
And that's how it's manifesting
for Flo.

498
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,680
So it's a bit close to the bone,
really.

499
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:35,040
It's brave of Flo to allow me
to see her completely unmasked.

500
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,360
And these clips will play
an important part

501
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:39,040
in the film for her mum.

502
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,600
To expand my own understanding
of masking,

503
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:49,840
I've come to Limpsfield Grange,
the only state school in the country

504
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,080
exclusively for autistic girls.

505
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,280
Flo's skill at masking
was a key reason

506
00:27:56,280 --> 00:28:00,760
nobody noticed she was autistic
until she was an adult.

507
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:05,120
So I want to ask
headteacher Sarah Wild

508
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:08,840
and Professor Francesca Happe
from King's College, London

509
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,960
whether masking might be
preventing women and girls

510
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,360
from getting support.

511
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:19,320
So do you have young women with you
who in another state school

512
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:23,120
might just be seen as
a little odd, shy? Obsessive?

513
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,360
Yes, I think that's really common.

514
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,920
I think what autistic girls
are really great at

515
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:29,760
from a very early age is masking.

516
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,280
Do you think girls
are better at that than boys?

517
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,120
I think they're more
socially motivated.

518
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,920
So friendships
and being part of a group

519
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:40,600
is hugely important
to autistic girls.

520
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,600
And they look around, they socially
scan, they look at what other people

521
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:45,640
are doing and then they behave
like them,

522
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,360
but they don't really understand
where that behaviour comes from,

523
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,520
and doing that is exhausting.

524
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,200
But also, if they're doing
that successfully then that would

525
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,960
also mean...they wouldn't even
approach the diagnosis. No.

526
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,240
They wouldn't get that far
because teachers, friends,

527
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,520
maybe even family
wouldn't recognise it. That's it.

528
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:06,160
Francesca, historically,
there was always the thought

529
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,560
that there were more autistic men
than women.

530
00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:12,280
Yes. 20, 30 years ago,
the thought was

531
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,880
that there were maybe ten times
as many males as females.

532
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,720
Now the research has taken off
to recognise

533
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,520
we're underdiagnosing autism
in women and girls,

534
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,320
and a very recent study suggests

535
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,520
it might be coming closer to
two to one.

536
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,800
If that's the case,
and it is not ten to one,

537
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,840
but it's two to one, that means
there's an enormous number

538
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:36,640
of undiagnosed women
compared to men.

539
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,760
There might be 35,000 women
and girls who are walking around

540
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:42,360
who would warrant a diagnosis
but haven't got it.

541
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,640
And we don't know, of course,
what's going on with them -

542
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:46,680
whether they're flying
under the radar happily

543
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,040
or whether they're really,
really struggling. Yeah.

544
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,560
We need to fight this bias
that autism is somehow

545
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,760
just about boys and men and think,
"Could this be autism?"

546
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,600
when we see a girl or woman
struggling socially. Yes.

547
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,400
I think the repercussions are huge.

548
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,400
The girls that come to us can
identify, even being seven, eight,

549
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,440
feeling really different,
feeling really isolated,

550
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:06,960
feeling really lonely.

551
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,800
LAUGHTER

552
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:12,160
At this school, the students
are encouraged to unmask

553
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:16,000
and show their true feelings,
which can be a challenge

554
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:19,440
after years of feeling
a need to conform.

555
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,520
Animal-lover Eva
was diagnosed aged ten,

556
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:26,200
after struggling
at her mainstream primary.

557
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:28,320
Are you happy with the goats
where they are, Eva?

558
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,160
Yeah, I love goats.

559
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,560
I used to get picked on,

560
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:36,600
and the teachers
just didn't understand me.

561
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,360
How would you describe yourself
at that point?

562
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,280
Isolated.

563
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,040
Confused.

564
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,000
Wanting to have friends.

565
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,240
And can you contrast that with
the time that you've spent

566
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:49,600
here at Limpsfield?

567
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:53,000
I would say...friends.

568
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,400
A driving burn to be successful.

569
00:30:55,400 --> 00:31:00,280
One of the benefits of going
to the school is that you can learn

570
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,440
how to fit in with society.

571
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,880
You get to learn society's
unwritten rules.

572
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,040
Daisy has also excelled
since moving here.

573
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,400
Did you go to mainstream
school before? Yes. And?

574
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,920
That was an experience

575
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,960
that I don't think anyone
would want to go through.

576
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,920
Yeah, I just got picked on,
to be fair.

577
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,680
And when you moved here,
things got better?

578
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:26,040
Oh, things have got way better.

579
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,680
I actually have learned something,
actually got the help that I needed.

580
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,840
SARAH WILD: Ultimately,
I'm very aware of

581
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,080
the long-term mental-health toll

582
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,080
of trying to fit in,
of blending, of camouflaging.

583
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,240
We do know from population-based
studies that about 70%

584
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:45,200
of children and adults
who are autistic

585
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,120
will have at least one
mental health condition.

586
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,400
So anxiety and depression
are very common.

587
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:55,400
ADHD is also common, and sadly
suicide is greatly increased,

588
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,640
and autistic women
without intellectual disability

589
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:02,600
are the most at risk.
And the figure is an eight-fold risk

590
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,560
above the general population
for suicide.

591
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:10,640
So intelligent autistic women
are eight times more likely

592
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,360
to commit suicide?
Yes. Yeah.

593
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,680
It's quite staggering, isn't it?
And tragic, obviously.

594
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,600
SIGHS

595
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:27,560
These sobering statistics underline
the huge mental health toll

596
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:30,760
placed on autistic women
by the wider world,

597
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,240
and I'm leaving here
with a much better understanding

598
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,160
of why it's crucial
for Flo to unmask.

599
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:48,280
I'm back on the day job,
filming Springwatch in Norfolk...

600
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:53,400
..when I start receiving
script ideas for Murray.

601
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,160
So I asked, "If you had
all the world stage

602
00:32:56,160 --> 00:33:00,720
"to speak for non-speaking autistic
people, what would you say?"

603
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:05,000
He's replied, "Really listen to me
and take note,

604
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,000
"as I am really
speaking from my heart.

605
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:12,120
"I plead with you to please
understand and open your minds."

606
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,600
Wow.

607
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:20,400
"Let me tell you what
it was like for me

608
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,720
"before I could communicate
through typing."

609
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:28,320
"I was alone in my world
of deep and troubled pining

610
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,400
"for a person to hear me."

611
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,560
"I would wonder if that day
would ever come.

612
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:39,280
"I was frustrated
and pining for acknowledgement

613
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:43,400
"that I had thoughts and opinions
and worries,

614
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:45,640
"and no-one could hear me."

615
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:50,760
I mean, frankly,

616
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,440
this is enough to bring a tear
to your eye, isn't it?

617
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,080
I don't know whether it's because
I have some...

618
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:03,480
..form of affinity for Murray,
but I find that incredibly touching

619
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,920
and, you know,
and even a bit sentimental.

620
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,080
I'm not normally sentimental
about such things.

621
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,800
For a non-speaking autistic person
to have Murray's intellect

622
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:28,320
and the ability to type
is actually quite rare.

623
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:32,040
More often, if an autistic person
has no speech at all,

624
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,360
it's because they also have
a severe learning disability.

625
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:36,760
DOOR OPENS

626
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,760
Hello! Hi, Chris.
Jason. How you doing?

627
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:40,640
I'm very well, yes.
Nice to meet you.

628
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:44,400
Here at Freedom Active,
a day centre in Leicestershire,

629
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,360
Jason Kinch and his team
make it their mission

630
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:51,080
to connect with every autistic adult
who comes here,

631
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,000
whatever their support needs.

632
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,560
We've got our family tree over here.

633
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,040
All the people that attend
our service over the week,

634
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,640
they come, they live at home
or in supported living,

635
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:04,840
and learn life skills and do
activities throughout the day.

636
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,880
Marky has a complex
communication disorder,

637
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,720
and whilst his support workers

638
00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:12,560
believe he has a good understanding
of the world,

639
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,080
he's unable to tell us
what he's thinking.

640
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,800
Hello, Marky. How are you?
What are you up to?

641
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,240
They've been using picture cards
to try and make a connection.

642
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:23,960
Marky, can you give me the bear?

643
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,560
Because he understands the word
and the picture,

644
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:31,320
but sometimes he...
He can't vocalise it.

645
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,680
He has to process a lot of things.

646
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,400
Get me the bear. Bear.

647
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:38,920
Bear. That's it, well done!

648
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:40,480
High five.

649
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,760
Whilst I'll never be able to have
a conversation with Marky,

650
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:47,880
I still want to communicate with him
in whatever way I can.

651
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:49,840
Can I have the tiger, please, Marky?

652
00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:55,560
Thank you.

653
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,800
High five! There we are.

654
00:35:57,800 --> 00:35:59,160
Fantastic.

655
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:00,520
Siberian tiger.

656
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:02,160
Thank you, Marky.

657
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:06,000
26-year-old James
uses an electronic talker

658
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,000
to make his feelings known to
support worker Zonya.

659
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,400
He will prompt us
with how he's feeling.

660
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,240
Routine.

661
00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:15,880
JAMES THROUGH TALKER: Happy.
So he's telling you he's happy.

662
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,240
So...

663
00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:20,480
Zonya is happy.

664
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,240
This is happy face. Yeah.

665
00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:25,320
So it's got an electronic chip
underneath the Velcro,

666
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:27,920
if you can just see that.
Yeah.

667
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,080
Coming here is a good reminder
that speech,

668
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,040
whilst fast and flexible,

669
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,760
isn't the only means
of communication.

670
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:40,720
Typing, signing, cards and gestures
all have a role to play.

671
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:43,240
We learn 20 people's
different languages,

672
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:47,160
so once we understand them all,
then it makes our job easier.

673
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,480
Little things
make a difference to us.

674
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:50,880
You know, we had the team in tears

675
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,120
over somebody saying their name
for the first time

676
00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:54,920
because it's a real big,
massive moment.

677
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,920
It's clearly a great place
where there's an enormous amount

678
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,960
of effort and endeavour
going into making sure

679
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:02,720
that for this part of their lives,

680
00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:05,240
the people who visit here
are enriched.

681
00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:06,800
LAUGHS

682
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:08,000
Yeah.

683
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,320
And at the same time, it's just...

684
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:15,160
I don't know.

685
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,960
You just think, wouldn't it be great
if everyone had a USB port

686
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,840
and you could just stick something
in and then read their minds?

687
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,280
All right, Shaun.

688
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:29,000
My visit has reminded me
how crucial it is

689
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,400
that we try to understand
the experiences

690
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,920
of every autistic person.

691
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,520
My hope is that Murray
can act as a bridge

692
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,520
to the non-speaking community -
that his film will allow us

693
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,320
a glimpse of a world
without words...

694
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:46,720
Thank you, Jason.
You're welcome. Nice to meet you.

695
00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,160
Thank you. Bye-bye. Take care.

696
00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:50,080
..and help us understand more

697
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,960
about those unable to speak
for themselves.

698
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:03,200
Murray is keen that we find an actor
to speak his words in the film

699
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,960
rather than using the computerised
voice of his tablet.

700
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,480
So I've asked
four voiceover artists,

701
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,160
all of whom are autistic themselves,

702
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:15,000
to record a short script
he's written.

703
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,200
It's up to Murray
to pick his favourite.

704
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,160
Right. So shall we have a listen
to this?

705
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,800
The voice that best represents him.

706
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:27,600
This is voice number one. OK?
Number one.

707
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:29,520
I am an autistic person.

708
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,120
I'm a person who wants
to be accepted.

709
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:33,920
I am an autistic person.

710
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,560
Nonverbal people
are pleasing to be around.

711
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:41,960
They sense the world in a literally
deeper way than those who can talk.

712
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:46,360
We are deep thinkers
and we are people-watchers.

713
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,480
OK. Excellent.

714
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:51,520
So, Murray,
any of those similar to yourself?

715
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:55,200
Which number do you think is the
voice that sounds most like you?

716
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,720
Number two?
Let's turn the card over, Murray.

717
00:38:57,720 --> 00:38:59,200
Turn the card over.

718
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:04,160
Ah, Harrison! So Harrison's
going to be your voice.

719
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:07,840
Why did you think
it was mostly like you?

720
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:15,400
I...space...F-E-E...

721
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:17,320
I feel...

722
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,360
..H-A-P-P-Y.

723
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:23,800
I feel happy.

724
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:29,160
I feel happy that I will be...

725
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:36,360
I feel happy that I will be heard
as a normal...M-A...N.

726
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,720
As a normal man. Well done.

727
00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:40,360
That's lovely, Murray.

728
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,680
You've got a voice! Yeah?

729
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,640
INDISTINCT INSTRUCTIONS

730
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:53,200
Meanwhile, Flo has started work
on her film,

731
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:56,000
which will help her open up
to her mum.

732
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:59,280
I've suggested she describes
her experiences

733
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,240
in the form of a letter

734
00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:04,680
which my camera crew
will film her performing.

735
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:07,080
To my mum. I knew
from a very young age

736
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,400
that I was different.
We both did.

737
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,520
That's as far as I can remember.
Sorry. That's perfect.

738
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:16,600
I think I'd like for her to know
that I am a silent person.

739
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:21,520
It would be good for her to see
the times that I'm not OK.

740
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:27,400
It would save me a lot of exhaustion
if I could just be...

741
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,080
..authentically me, unmasked.

742
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:36,520
Footage recorded,
the animation team get to work.

743
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,160
We're using computer graphics
to represent

744
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:43,040
everything going through Flo's head
during a conversation -

745
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:46,560
everything her mum doesn't see.

746
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,880
Every detail has to be true
to Flo's experience.

747
00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:52,920
The text is even
based on her handwriting.

748
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,920
Great. Hey. Hi.
This is Harrison.

749
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,000
In a professional
recording studio,

750
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:04,600
Murray's script is read by
his chosen voiceover artist,

751
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:05,960
Harrison.

752
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,600
So how are you with eye contact?

753
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:12,160
It fluctuates. OK.
So, very often,

754
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:15,920
I don't notice
that I'm making eye contact,

755
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,080
and when I do notice it,
it's really hard.

756
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:19,800
Well, you don't have to make
eye contact.

757
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:23,080
I can look over there? Yeah,
look at... Yeah. Look over my...

758
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:25,800
Look at that speaker... OK.
..and tell the speaker the line.

759
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:31,280
I have no voice,
but yearn to say so much.

760
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:36,480
If you are willing to listen,
I will try to say how I feel.

761
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,600
I like that.
Straight onto box nine.

762
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,920
Walk in from the side, here.

763
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:46,520
Just look straight ahead.

764
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,120
That's really good.
Well done.

765
00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:51,480
Words complete - on to the pictures.

766
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,240
Can you stand up for me?

767
00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:56,720
Inspired by the photos I took
in the Railway Museum,

768
00:41:56,720 --> 00:42:00,200
I've asked award-winning
photographer Richard Ansett

769
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:03,280
to capture Murray
in a series of portraits.

770
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,640
Other way. Facing the camera -
that way.

771
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,520
That's brilliant.
That is good.

772
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:09,320
And look straight there.

773
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:13,040
These photos will be incorporated
into an animation

774
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,080
to bring his words to life.

775
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,440
Do you think it's gone well?

776
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,240
Do you think we've got everything
we needed?

777
00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:20,280
I think... I think it's good, right?

778
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,040
Thank you.

779
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,920
Ken and Kerith explained
that for Murray,

780
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,920
a tap to the chest
is a sign of acceptance.

781
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:29,840
Good. Very good.

782
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:31,120
Joe?

783
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,720
Murray is a big fan of the theatre,

784
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:41,080
so the animators are combining
origami animals, stop-motion and CGI

785
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:43,560
to create a fantastical show,

786
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:47,480
which we hope will reflect
Murray's vibrant interior world.

787
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,680
The day of Flo's screening
has arrived.

788
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:00,720
I'm back at the pub
where I first saw her perform.

789
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:06,600
But today there'll only be
one person in the audience.

790
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:08,240
Her mum.

791
00:43:08,240 --> 00:43:10,720
Hello, Flo.
Hello.

792
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,960
Should we go through the mandatory,
"How are you?"

793
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:15,720
I'll answer with, "I'm fine,"
even though it might not be true,

794
00:43:15,720 --> 00:43:17,320
and I'll ask you, "How are you?"

795
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,160
And I'll say, "I'm fine,"
even though I'm not.

796
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:21,600
And we might as well just gloss
over what I'm not fine about

797
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,600
to get on with the business.
Suits me. Excellent.

798
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:24,960
Big day.

799
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:26,680
It is a big day.

800
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:28,240
I'm quite nervous.

801
00:43:28,240 --> 00:43:31,080
I've seen my film and I love it.

802
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,680
I think it's great. I...

803
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,720
The nervousness comes in that...
that Mum is going to see it

804
00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:41,280
and I don't know how she'll react
and I don't know if she'll be sad.

805
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:43,800
Aah!

806
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:45,760
Your mum's a great person.

807
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:47,840
I met her.
She loves you so much. I know.

808
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:49,840
I know it's going to be a shock
for her,

809
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:51,960
and I know there
will be difficulties.

810
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,680
But ultimately, I think one of the
reasons why you've chosen to do it

811
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:56,440
is you sense a piece of
indestructibility

812
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:59,120
in that relationship
because you are close,

813
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,120
you're both bright
and, you know...

814
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:03,800
And you want this. Yes.

815
00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:06,680
Shall we...? Well, I'm going to go
and show it to your mum.

816
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:10,640
Yeah. I might hide. Yeah, well,
hide for the moment. Yeah.

817
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,040
Hello, Ruth.

818
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,000
Hi, Chris. Hi.

819
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:17,600
How are you feeling?

820
00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:19,040
OK.

821
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:20,920
Yeah, yeah.

822
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:23,400
Flo's a bit nervous.
Yeah, I'm a bit nervous.

823
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:25,720
I don't know what I'm going
to be seeing.

824
00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:28,320
What Flo hopes you're going to see
is a little bit

825
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:30,960
that you haven't seen before. OK.

826
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:34,240
Yeah, I'm going to put
my glasses on. I'm properly ready.

827
00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:37,320
OK. OK.
Let's roll the movie.

828
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:49,880
To my mum.

829
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:55,280
I knew from a very young age
that I was different.

830
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:57,240
We both did.

831
00:44:57,240 --> 00:44:59,200
The way I'd sort my toys,

832
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:03,240
that I'd insist on different plates
for different foods.

833
00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:05,840
Birthday parties made me anxious.

834
00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:08,800
And by the time I was
four years old,

835
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:12,400
I became so sure that if I didn't
hide my differences,

836
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:13,960
people wouldn't like me.

837
00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:16,920
So I became a version of myself

838
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,240
I thought those around me
would accept.

839
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:22,240
I became a mimic.

840
00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:25,840
Copying other people,
imitating normal behaviour,

841
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:28,000
and suppressing anything weird.

842
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:33,320
For most people, these rules come
naturally, automatically.

843
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:37,160
Their faces match their voices
match their feelings.

844
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,000
But I had to think about
every little thing.

845
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:46,320
In the end, I put so much effort
into this mask of normality

846
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:49,000
that nobody could even tell
that I had one.

847
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:54,640
When you're autistic,
masking, camouflaging,

848
00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:56,840
it's a survival strategy.

849
00:45:56,840 --> 00:46:00,040
It's to avoid judgment
or avoid bullying.

850
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:03,080
It's a way to fit in
to the non-autistic world.

851
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,720
I have masked with everybody
in my life.

852
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,520
Including you, Mum.

853
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:14,240
I wanted to be the perfect child.

854
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,560
I wanted to make you proud.

855
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:22,080
But now I'm tired.

856
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:25,240
It's exhausting, pretending
to be normal all the time.

857
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:27,960
SIGHS

858
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:29,400
I'm beginning to think

859
00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:32,880
it might be time
to embrace my authentic self,

860
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,840
to show you the things
you don't normally see.

861
00:46:35,840 --> 00:46:37,440
But I'm scared.

862
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:46,240
I'm worried that
if I'm quiet and still,

863
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:48,280
or my face doesn't match
my feelings,

864
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:50,440
then you'll think
that I'm being rude.

865
00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,800
I'm worried that if you see me
rocking back and forth

866
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:02,000
or flapping my hands, then
you'll think that I'm not OK.

867
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:11,080
And I'm worried that if you see me
silent, unable to speak,

868
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:13,320
you'll think that I need fixing.

869
00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:22,040
It might not come easily for me
straight away,

870
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,960
but I'm ready to be myself.

871
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,760
I hope you won't be disappointed.

872
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:29,840
I love you always.

873
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:31,720
Your daughter, Flo.

874
00:47:58,920 --> 00:48:02,960
I find it hard that she said
that if she was...

875
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:07,000
..that she needs to be
the perfect child,

876
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,640
otherwise nobody would love her.

877
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:11,560
I love her for all of the things
that she is.

878
00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:15,960
I wish she didn't feel like that
when she was a child.

879
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:17,560
And of course she can be herself.

880
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:25,640
Let me...

881
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,640
Let me go and get her.

882
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:29,120
Yeah.

883
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:30,760
OK? Yeah.

884
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:37,240
Hello.

885
00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:39,160
Hiya.

886
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,800
I love you. I love you.

887
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:45,640
Er...

888
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:48,080
Well, now I'm going to cry as well.

889
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:52,200
But you're OK?

890
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:54,200
I am OK. Bit sad?

891
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:58,960
I'm sad because I want to scoop up
the five-year-old you. Mm-hm.

892
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:01,560
Me too. And say it's OK. Yeah?

893
00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:06,200
And if we could turn the clock back
and I knew what I know today,

894
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,680
it would be...

895
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:11,800
Maybe I would have been able to
give you some reassurance about...

896
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:15,720
"It's OK. It's absolutely OK."
You know. Yeah.

897
00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:18,520
All through my childhood
and my teenage life

898
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:21,360
and my adult life,
you've been so accepting...

899
00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:25,000
I'm going to cry.
..of everything that I am.

900
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:28,440
Because you're lovely!
I'm all right!

901
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:31,480
But, like... It's...

902
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,040
It's scary being different.

903
00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:36,200
It wasn't anything about you.

904
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:37,920
It was the world, really.

905
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:39,560
But I...

906
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:42,800
Please, you know, you don't have to
mask in front of me any more.

907
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:45,200
That's why I wanted this video
for you,

908
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,400
I wanted this film
to tell you that.

909
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:52,160
But it's been really hard to go,
"I've always been kind of acting."

910
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,160
Yeah. Didn't expect to get snotty.

911
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,440
I know. Do you want a tissue?
Is it a clean one?

912
00:49:57,440 --> 00:49:59,400
Yes, I've got a new one. Thank you.

913
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:03,600
Have you got
an entire microfibre cloth?

914
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:05,880
THEY LAUGH
For emergencies?

915
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:09,600
They're for cleaning my glasses,
cos they get so dirty.

916
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:16,240
Our mission,
and my determined mission here

917
00:50:16,240 --> 00:50:18,600
is that each of
our participants,

918
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:21,120
Flo in this instance,
would reach a point

919
00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:25,160
where something meaningful
changes for them in their lives.

920
00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:32,880
And here, she is almost striking
a vow to allow herself to unmask,

921
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:36,640
certainly at the outset
for her mother.

922
00:50:37,840 --> 00:50:41,040
But then she said, you know, "I want
to be able to do this at work.

923
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:42,600
"I want to be able to
do this socially.

924
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:45,400
"I want to be able to do this
whenever."

925
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:51,040
I see Flo's film
as the blue touchpaper.

926
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:54,560
And I hope that, you know,
this afternoon it's been lit,

927
00:50:54,560 --> 00:50:58,720
and from that there'll be
a fizzy, fantastic firework

928
00:50:58,720 --> 00:51:01,400
and her life will be better.

929
00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:04,160
Ohh. I love you. I love you.

930
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:07,440
Very much. Well done.
Thank you.

931
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:20,040
Murray's film is also ready
to share with the world,

932
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,640
so I'm back at
Horses Helping People.

933
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:26,000
Do you want to come and see
the party barn?

934
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:29,000
Go on. The party barn?
Everyone's getting ready.

935
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:32,360
Debbie has been busy preparing
the stables for the screening,

936
00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:34,840
but there's still a few
last-minute jobs.

937
00:51:36,240 --> 00:51:38,560
Not a great fan of bunting,
if you really want to know.

938
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:40,520
Unnecessary decorative frippery.

939
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,480
But I'll go with the bunting today.

940
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:46,800
I'm slightly worried tonight.

941
00:51:46,800 --> 00:51:49,840
It's going to be very challenging
for Murray.

942
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:52,720
I'm not sure that he's going
to have the time to process

943
00:51:52,720 --> 00:51:55,880
what he might want to say about it
by typing.

944
00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:58,920
So we've got to go into it
with very different expectations

945
00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:01,600
and think, this is about
the bigger picture.

946
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:05,720
Non-speaking autistic people finally
having a voice to say something

947
00:52:05,720 --> 00:52:08,640
and Murray acting
as their ambassador.

948
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:10,720
Hi, Murray.
How's everyone feeling?

949
00:52:10,720 --> 00:52:14,680
Yeah, excited, I think. And Murray?
Excited?

950
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,680
Yeah, I think we can say that. Yeah!

951
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:20,080
We've got some comfy bales. Lovely!

952
00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:22,720
We've got blankets
so you don't get itchy bottoms.

953
00:52:22,720 --> 00:52:24,520
So come and join us.

954
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:27,240
Alongside Murray's parents
are his brother Charlie,

955
00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:30,000
sister Verity
and cousins Sarah and Louise.

956
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:35,640
Also in the audience
are several close family friends

957
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:37,200
and a very special guest.

958
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:40,800
Thanks for giving up the time
to come. No worries at all.

959
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:42,160
It's an absolute pleasure.

960
00:52:42,160 --> 00:52:44,800
Right, everyone, I'm really pleased
to introduce Harrison.

961
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,480
Oh, hello! Hi, Harrison. Hi.

962
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:51,280
Young man that Murray very carefully
chose to be the voice.

963
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,840
Look, join us. Have a seat.
Thank you.

964
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:57,600
Every single word in this film

965
00:52:57,600 --> 00:53:01,080
comes with a cost that
most of us can't imagine.

966
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:05,640
And so it's extremely precious
and very, very poignant.

967
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:08,120
I can detect the air of
anticipation.

968
00:53:08,120 --> 00:53:09,320
LAUGHTER

969
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:10,880
Let's roll the movie.

970
00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:16,400
I am an autistic person.

971
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:18,640
It is obvious when you see me.

972
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:22,480
I have no voice,
but yearn to say so much.

973
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:26,120
If you are willing to listen,
I will try to say how I feel.

974
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:32,600
I live in a total blur of
information.

975
00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:36,040
If I have too many people in a room
at one time and one place,

976
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:39,080
it is too overwhelming for me
to have to process.

977
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:40,600
BLUR OF NOISE

978
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:42,920
I have to jiggle my brain
to make it settle.

979
00:53:44,040 --> 00:53:45,440
It's just how I cope.

980
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,680
Water takes my pain away
because it allows me to lose myself

981
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,480
in a place that asks no questions
of my abilities.

982
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:56,280
Every drop lets me be me.

983
00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:01,720
Before I could communicate
through typing,

984
00:54:01,720 --> 00:54:05,080
I remember that I was frustrated
by people who were kind,

985
00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:09,400
but didn't know my brain
was as good as people who can speak.

986
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:13,360
I remember being told that I liked
the Teletubbies, which I did,

987
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:17,040
but I wanted to move on, and was
desperate to read books for my age.

988
00:54:20,720 --> 00:54:23,440
Now I have the chance
to speak up for people like me.

989
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:26,920
ECHOING: I'm speaking from my heart.

990
00:54:28,880 --> 00:54:32,160
Nonverbal people
are pleasing to be around

991
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:36,520
because we sense the world
in a deeper way than those who talk.

992
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:40,120
Because we cannot express
our emotions instantly,

993
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:43,360
we become deep thinkers.
People-watchers.

994
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:48,040
We have the same dreams
as everyone else,

995
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,080
so please don't treat us
differently.

996
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:55,640
Each of us is a star,

997
00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:59,960
eager to be discovered and named
in the atmosphere.

998
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:04,280
If you acknowledge our abilities,
we can shine brighter.

999
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,160
We have so much to say.

1000
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:09,640
Please hear us.

1001
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,840
APPLAUSE

1002
00:55:15,840 --> 00:55:17,440
Murray!

1003
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:23,160
It's brilliant.

1004
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:25,680
Murray, well done.

1005
00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:28,520
I'm so proud of you.
It's brilliant.

1006
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:31,560
Wow. Murray, perhaps if you have
some thoughts,

1007
00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:32,960
you could let us know.

1008
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,880
That...

1009
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:38,120
..was...

1010
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:43,200
..awesome, and Harrison is perfect.

1011
00:55:44,960 --> 00:55:47,200
I think we're all better people
for knowing Murray.

1012
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:49,400
He's made such a big difference
to all our lives.

1013
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:52,000
We can actually understand how
deeply he thinks about things.

1014
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:54,400
We've been very privileged
to be part of his life.

1015
00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:58,280
His whole experience is expressed
there in just a few minutes.

1016
00:55:58,280 --> 00:56:01,440
It's... It's wonderful.
Wonderful.

1017
00:56:01,440 --> 00:56:04,560
That just sums up everything
about Murray, and it's just lovely

1018
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:07,240
to be telling us how his world is.

1019
00:56:07,240 --> 00:56:10,760
And his voice,
the actual, like, words

1020
00:56:10,760 --> 00:56:13,880
that he said...
and, like, I'm like...

1021
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:16,080
LAUGHTER

1022
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:20,040
One thing that really hit me hard

1023
00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:23,520
was right at the end
where Murray said, "Hear us."

1024
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:27,400
I think it's up to all of us
to actually start listening

1025
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:31,080
in a way that may take us
outside our comfort zone.

1026
00:56:31,080 --> 00:56:32,440
Yeah.

1027
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:36,480
All right, Murray?

1028
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:38,280
LAUGHTER

1029
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:45,320
I can't think of another occasion
where I've seen and heard

1030
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:48,280
a non-speaking autistic person

1031
00:56:48,280 --> 00:56:51,240
issuing such a clear
and honest plea.

1032
00:56:51,240 --> 00:56:55,720
And I found the whole process
quite emotional.

1033
00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,760
MURRAY THROUGH TABLET: I am happy...

1034
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:06,320
..that the world...

1035
00:57:07,680 --> 00:57:11,240
..can see...

1036
00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:15,320
..the real me.

1037
00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:30,560
I just think you can't have listened
to his words, seen that film,

1038
00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:36,760
and then ever look at
an autistic person like Murray

1039
00:57:36,760 --> 00:57:38,960
and jump to those conclusions

1040
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:41,640
which are so damaging and hurtful
and harmful.

1041
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:46,440
That makes me feel good.

1042
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:16,680
Next time...

1043
00:58:16,680 --> 00:58:17,880
# Every time I rap

1044
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:19,920
# I bring something different
to the table... #

1045
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:23,040
..I help a rapper explain
how noise is ruining his life...

1046
00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:25,760
My heroes are in here.

1047
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:29,960
..and a footie fan call time on
hiding his reliance on routine.

1048
00:58:31,960 --> 00:58:35,880
Discover more about autistic minds
and the innovations being used

1049
00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:38,480
by autistic people
in their daily lives.

1050
00:58:38,480 --> 00:58:43,400
Go to bbc.co.uk/autism
and follow the links

1051
00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:45,080
to the Open University.

1052
00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:21,220
I don't like coming in this room.

1053
00:59:21,220 --> 00:59:26,700
You see... I moved here a couple
of years ago, which meant

1054
00:59:26,700 --> 00:59:29,300
that I had to take
my library to pieces.

1055
00:59:29,300 --> 00:59:31,300
So I've had all of
these shelves built

1056
00:59:31,300 --> 00:59:33,180
to get it up and running again.

1057
00:59:33,180 --> 00:59:37,460
But that's a massive challenge,
because it means I've got to deal

1058
00:59:37,460 --> 00:59:39,900
with something which my type
of autistic experience

1059
00:59:39,900 --> 00:59:41,820
doesn't welcome - change.

1060
00:59:44,780 --> 00:59:47,980
It's just not...
It's not going to work, is it?

1061
00:59:47,980 --> 00:59:50,500
It's not going to live there, is it?
A book on nightjars.

1062
00:59:50,500 --> 00:59:53,140
That's not it, is it?
Well, it's not now.

1063
00:59:54,980 --> 00:59:57,820
I'm very self-conscious of the fact
that you might be thinking,

1064
00:59:57,820 --> 00:59:59,340
"Just get a grip,

1065
00:59:59,340 --> 01:00:03,500
"put the books in order of subject
and get them on the shelves, man."

1066
01:00:04,500 --> 01:00:06,540
Change is disastrous.

1067
01:00:06,540 --> 01:00:11,300
For me, change becomes difficult
because it represents

1068
01:00:11,300 --> 01:00:12,580
a loss of control.

1069
01:00:12,580 --> 01:00:14,300
I'm not in control
of this situation.

1070
01:00:14,300 --> 01:00:17,340
I've lost control of my library.

1071
01:00:17,340 --> 01:00:22,700
But this is somewhere where I need
to be totally comfortable enough,

1072
01:00:22,700 --> 01:00:27,060
to be confident enough
to be able to be my real self.

1073
01:00:27,060 --> 01:00:29,940
And my real self is autistic.

1074
01:00:31,500 --> 01:00:36,100
In 2017, I first shared my autism
diagnosis on television.

1075
01:00:36,100 --> 01:00:37,740
These foxes in her back garden...

1076
01:00:37,740 --> 01:00:41,460
Since then, I've been astonished
by the thousands of letters

1077
01:00:41,460 --> 01:00:45,100
and emails I've received
from other autistic people.

1078
01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:47,940
Some telling me the programme
had helped them connect

1079
01:00:47,940 --> 01:00:52,260
with the people around them, but
others telling me they're lonely,

1080
01:00:52,260 --> 01:00:56,940
miserable, even suicidal,
because they feel the world

1081
01:00:56,940 --> 01:00:59,380
doesn't understand them.

1082
01:00:59,380 --> 01:01:03,940
For me, these letters reveal
a hidden crisis, because estimates

1083
01:01:03,940 --> 01:01:10,700
suggest there could be as many as
700,000 autistic people in the UK.

1084
01:01:10,700 --> 01:01:15,580
And I think that the wider world
still doesn't really understand

1085
01:01:15,580 --> 01:01:18,620
what it means to be autistic.

1086
01:01:18,620 --> 01:01:22,020
And this is a problem
for those of us who already

1087
01:01:22,020 --> 01:01:24,540
feel excluded, different.

1088
01:01:24,540 --> 01:01:26,100
Like we don't fit in.

1089
01:01:28,220 --> 01:01:31,940
In this series, I want to do
something about it.

1090
01:01:31,940 --> 01:01:35,100
Working with top film-makers,
graphic designers,

1091
01:01:35,100 --> 01:01:37,300
animators and musicians,

1092
01:01:37,300 --> 01:01:41,940
I'm giving four autistic people the
chance to bring their experiences

1093
01:01:41,940 --> 01:01:46,740
to life, by creating short films
that reveal to their friends

1094
01:01:46,740 --> 01:01:51,060
and families how they are
really feeling inside.

1095
01:01:51,060 --> 01:01:55,100
Flo and Murray have already
shared their films. To my mum...

1096
01:01:55,100 --> 01:01:59,100
This time it's the turn of Anton
and Ethan to bring their experiences

1097
01:01:59,100 --> 01:02:02,140
to the screen...
Sometimes I can't cope at all.

1098
01:02:02,140 --> 01:02:04,940
..and give us all
a better understanding

1099
01:02:04,940 --> 01:02:07,500
of their autistic minds.

1100
01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:11,580
For much of my early life,
I felt completely misunderstood.

1101
01:02:12,700 --> 01:02:16,500
Like no-one knew what was
going on inside my head,

1102
01:02:16,500 --> 01:02:19,420
how different my world was.

1103
01:02:19,420 --> 01:02:23,380
If I can now change that
for just one person,

1104
01:02:23,380 --> 01:02:26,060
then my work here will be done.

1105
01:02:35,860 --> 01:02:39,940
For me, being autistic isn't
some kind of weakness.

1106
01:02:39,940 --> 01:02:42,540
There's nothing wrong
with autistic people,

1107
01:02:42,540 --> 01:02:45,020
we're just different.

1108
01:02:45,020 --> 01:02:49,380
But those differences in how
we think, in how we communicate

1109
01:02:49,380 --> 01:02:54,460
and in how we process the world,
can make life a real challenge.

1110
01:02:54,460 --> 01:02:58,180
As it is for the next person
I'm meeting, Anton.

1111
01:02:58,180 --> 01:03:00,260
He's 26 years old.

1112
01:03:00,260 --> 01:03:02,060
He lives with his fiancee, Sophie.

1113
01:03:02,060 --> 01:03:04,900
They're getting married
later this year.

1114
01:03:04,900 --> 01:03:07,620
Can I do that with you?
"Sophie, I love you!"

1115
01:03:07,620 --> 01:03:09,260
You did do that in Turkey,

1116
01:03:09,260 --> 01:03:11,940
when you proposed in the middle of
the street.

1117
01:03:11,940 --> 01:03:13,340
I didn't shout it.

1118
01:03:15,020 --> 01:03:18,580
He was diagnosed as autistic
when he was four years old.

1119
01:03:18,580 --> 01:03:21,660
Frequent meltdowns in supermarkets.

1120
01:03:21,660 --> 01:03:23,620
Nothing surprising to me there.

1121
01:03:23,620 --> 01:03:26,100
I remember those with
vivid clarity, I'm afraid.

1122
01:03:27,500 --> 01:03:31,500
Anton's a huge Middlesbrough fan
and a trance DJ.

1123
01:03:31,500 --> 01:03:36,020
He's obsessive about timings
and routine, planning every moment

1124
01:03:36,020 --> 01:03:38,740
in his day down to the last second.

1125
01:03:38,740 --> 01:03:42,740
He works hard to disguise his
autistic traits in order to fit in,

1126
01:03:42,740 --> 01:03:46,260
meaning that most of his friends
have no idea

1127
01:03:46,260 --> 01:03:49,220
what's going on inside his head.

1128
01:03:49,220 --> 01:03:54,540
So, my mission is to try and find
a means for Anton to articulate

1129
01:03:54,540 --> 01:03:58,420
what his life is like, to be able to
explain to his friends why routine

1130
01:03:58,420 --> 01:04:00,260
is so important to him

1131
01:04:00,260 --> 01:04:04,420
and why he gets so upset
when plans change last minute.

1132
01:04:04,420 --> 01:04:07,300
Thank you.

1133
01:04:07,300 --> 01:04:09,580
I'm looking forward
to meeting Anton.

1134
01:04:09,580 --> 01:04:12,060
I suspect we've got a lot in common.

1135
01:04:13,060 --> 01:04:15,580
Hello, there. Hello, Anton.
You all right? Nice to meet you.

1136
01:04:15,580 --> 01:04:17,220
Pop on in. All right. Thank you.

1137
01:04:17,220 --> 01:04:18,740
See you've got your bird feeder out.

1138
01:04:18,740 --> 01:04:21,740
Yeah. We're a big fan of birds.

1139
01:04:21,740 --> 01:04:25,660
Beyond birds, I know we've got
a shared interest in music.

1140
01:04:25,660 --> 01:04:27,380
I'm a record collector, so...

1141
01:04:27,380 --> 01:04:28,820
Vinyl? Yeah.

1142
01:04:28,820 --> 01:04:31,340
I've got about 2,500 punk singles.

1143
01:04:31,340 --> 01:04:34,740
Oh, right. Question is, how do you
organise your vinyl?

1144
01:04:34,740 --> 01:04:36,820
Alphabetical order and artist.
Right.

1145
01:04:36,820 --> 01:04:39,260
Would you be absolutely able
to guarantee that there

1146
01:04:39,260 --> 01:04:40,660
wouldn't be one out of place?

1147
01:04:40,660 --> 01:04:43,380
Yeah. If they're out of order,
is that distressing?

1148
01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:45,940
Yeah, yeah. I can't...

1149
01:04:45,940 --> 01:04:49,100
settle. I can't watch the telly.

1150
01:04:49,100 --> 01:04:51,060
I can't go and listen to my music.
Right.

1151
01:04:51,060 --> 01:04:53,820
I wouldn't be able to listen
to it and enjoy it.

1152
01:04:53,820 --> 01:04:57,820
Come on, then. I can't wait to see
his vinyl collection.

1153
01:04:57,820 --> 01:05:00,380
It's always an eye-opener.
Go on. Go on.

1154
01:05:00,380 --> 01:05:03,460
It's common for autistic people
to have special interests

1155
01:05:03,460 --> 01:05:05,740
and these can be obsessive.

1156
01:05:05,740 --> 01:05:08,580
Organising our collections is often
a source of comfort,

1157
01:05:08,580 --> 01:05:11,100
a way to help us feel in control.

1158
01:05:11,100 --> 01:05:14,860
Look at this. Proper set-up.
Double deck.

1159
01:05:14,860 --> 01:05:16,660
Go on, then. Talk me through it.

1160
01:05:16,660 --> 01:05:20,500
Right. So, house, A to Z.

1161
01:05:20,500 --> 01:05:23,100
And then all of this is trance.

1162
01:05:23,100 --> 01:05:25,260
That's my main focus, is the trance.

1163
01:05:25,260 --> 01:05:27,220
Go on, then, you'd better put
one on. Trance favourite.

1164
01:05:27,220 --> 01:05:29,660
Well, for me it would have to be...

1165
01:05:29,660 --> 01:05:32,580
MUSIC PLAYS

1166
01:05:32,580 --> 01:05:34,380
What is it about trance music, then?

1167
01:05:34,380 --> 01:05:35,980
It's... it's happy music.

1168
01:05:35,980 --> 01:05:38,340
It's a genre that really,
like, just gets you moving

1169
01:05:38,340 --> 01:05:40,260
and I like the sound of it.

1170
01:05:41,900 --> 01:05:44,220
It's got a very particular beat,
hasn't it?

1171
01:05:44,220 --> 01:05:46,780
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe it's the predictability.

1172
01:05:46,780 --> 01:05:49,580
I quite like electronic music,
but one of the things

1173
01:05:49,580 --> 01:05:52,340
I like about it is the repetitious
nature of it. Yeah, yeah.

1174
01:05:52,340 --> 01:05:54,060
What I don't like is ambient music.

1175
01:05:54,060 --> 01:05:55,860
I have to listen to it completely.

1176
01:05:55,860 --> 01:05:59,340
If I'm immersed in it, then the rest
of the world ceases to exist.

1177
01:05:59,340 --> 01:06:01,940
So I use it sort of
for blocking things out.

1178
01:06:01,940 --> 01:06:04,460
Aye, snap. Same. Same? Yeah.

1179
01:06:04,460 --> 01:06:07,180
I literally just put it on, whack it
up and just sort of sit back

1180
01:06:07,180 --> 01:06:10,780
and just... and just listen
to it and let the sort of

1181
01:06:10,780 --> 01:06:13,180
emotions run and get
the better of me.

1182
01:06:13,180 --> 01:06:15,460
It drifts me away from any problems
I've had in the day

1183
01:06:15,460 --> 01:06:17,820
and it just brings me back
to zero again, if you like.

1184
01:06:17,820 --> 01:06:20,780
It's the one thing in life that
I've always been grateful for,

1185
01:06:20,780 --> 01:06:22,060
is just music in general.

1186
01:06:24,300 --> 01:06:30,060
The other way Anton keeps himself
calm is by controlling his routine.

1187
01:06:30,060 --> 01:06:32,980
I go off timings. Like, I have
two alarms in the morning,

1188
01:06:32,980 --> 01:06:37,500
I have 6.10 in the morning,
and then my last one is 6.23.

1189
01:06:37,500 --> 01:06:40,220
I've done that
every single working day.

1190
01:06:40,220 --> 01:06:43,620
Is the precision of that timing down
to the next thing you have to do,

1191
01:06:43,620 --> 01:06:45,220
the next thing you have to do?

1192
01:06:45,220 --> 01:06:47,620
Is it a series of boxes
that have to be ticked?

1193
01:06:47,620 --> 01:06:49,180
Well, it depends on the situation,

1194
01:06:49,180 --> 01:06:51,380
but you've pretty much
nailed it on the head there.

1195
01:06:51,380 --> 01:06:53,500
I can't leave a box unticked.

1196
01:06:53,500 --> 01:06:57,140
When I got my new job, I actually
timed, using a stopwatch, how long

1197
01:06:57,140 --> 01:07:03,140
it took me to get out of bed, walk
to my uniform, put the uniform on

1198
01:07:03,140 --> 01:07:06,220
and brush my teeth,
and then walk down the stairs.

1199
01:07:06,220 --> 01:07:07,620
I timed that. Right.

1200
01:07:07,620 --> 01:07:11,500
As soon as I reach that last step
there, it's bang-on half past six.

1201
01:07:11,500 --> 01:07:14,500
And I want it to work. You know,
it can't go out of place.

1202
01:07:14,500 --> 01:07:17,500
It can't. What happens if it does?
I started working,

1203
01:07:17,500 --> 01:07:21,340
I would take the day off, because
I've left the door two minutes over

1204
01:07:21,340 --> 01:07:23,460
the time I should have left
the door.

1205
01:07:23,460 --> 01:07:25,860
I would often just stand
in the street and...

1206
01:07:25,860 --> 01:07:28,020
my chest would feel like
it's closing up

1207
01:07:28,020 --> 01:07:30,140
and tears would just start rolling.

1208
01:07:30,140 --> 01:07:32,660
OK, that's then.
What about now?

1209
01:07:32,660 --> 01:07:35,260
The last time this happened,

1210
01:07:35,260 --> 01:07:38,420
I left the door a minute and a half
late and I'd get a sort of

1211
01:07:38,420 --> 01:07:40,940
blurred vision going on,
my chest started tightening up

1212
01:07:40,940 --> 01:07:43,820
and I sort of have to sort of, like,
pat myself on the chest

1213
01:07:43,820 --> 01:07:46,420
and I sort of, like, rub my eyes
and I just run.

1214
01:07:46,420 --> 01:07:49,740
And as soon as I get to the bus
station, I have to go into

1215
01:07:49,740 --> 01:07:52,660
the toilets, and that's it,
I have a big blowout.

1216
01:07:53,700 --> 01:07:57,220
A few tears here and there and...
I imagine people might think,

1217
01:07:57,220 --> 01:08:00,220
"Really, does it matter?" Well,
that's the problem today, isn't it?

1218
01:08:00,220 --> 01:08:03,500
I know. I have routines,
but I'm not as rigid as you are.

1219
01:08:03,500 --> 01:08:07,180
But I am far more rigid
about visual things. Yeah.

1220
01:08:07,180 --> 01:08:10,100
Anything changes in that visual
environment, even if I'm walking

1221
01:08:10,100 --> 01:08:12,900
through the woods I walk through
every day and a branch has
blown off the tree,

1222
01:08:12,900 --> 01:08:15,380
the environment has changed
so vividly

1223
01:08:15,380 --> 01:08:17,180
that it's visually quite upsetting.

1224
01:08:17,180 --> 01:08:19,420
I have to stand there and look at it
and I have to think,

1225
01:08:19,420 --> 01:08:21,780
"OK, now I've got to get used to
this whole wood looking different

1226
01:08:21,780 --> 01:08:24,220
"because that branch is lying on the
ground and I'm not going to put it

1227
01:08:24,220 --> 01:08:26,580
"back on the tree, it's going to be
lying on the ground forever now."

1228
01:08:26,580 --> 01:08:29,580
So what I do in my own space,
where the wind doesn't blow,

1229
01:08:29,580 --> 01:08:31,700
is nothing moves and
nothing changes.

1230
01:08:31,700 --> 01:08:35,300
You don't realise how much it means
to me to hear that this goes on

1231
01:08:35,300 --> 01:08:37,580
in other people's worlds as well.

1232
01:08:37,580 --> 01:08:40,300
It's such a struggle because I think
one thing that I've really

1233
01:08:40,300 --> 01:08:44,780
been frustrated about for years
on end, to this day, is trying

1234
01:08:44,780 --> 01:08:46,660
to be something I'm not.

1235
01:08:46,660 --> 01:08:49,980
So I try my best to fit in
with the people, just so I don't

1236
01:08:49,980 --> 01:08:52,220
make myself very obvious.

1237
01:08:52,220 --> 01:08:55,740
So I'd say the majority of me mates
don't have a clue.

1238
01:08:55,740 --> 01:08:59,260
And it's hard because sometimes
I want to be...

1239
01:08:59,260 --> 01:09:01,940
myself and do the things that
I would do in front of people,

1240
01:09:01,940 --> 01:09:04,140
but...for years,

1241
01:09:04,140 --> 01:09:08,100
I've, I've... I'm proud of myself
that I don't express

1242
01:09:08,100 --> 01:09:09,980
that in front of other people,

1243
01:09:09,980 --> 01:09:12,540
otherwise they would see
the real autistic me.

1244
01:09:12,540 --> 01:09:15,620
But you weren't ever embarrassed
about being autistic,

1245
01:09:15,620 --> 01:09:16,980
were you?

1246
01:09:16,980 --> 01:09:18,620
You know what?

1247
01:09:18,620 --> 01:09:21,020
As much as it pains me
to say this...

1248
01:09:21,020 --> 01:09:23,580
there was a time where I would be.

1249
01:09:25,780 --> 01:09:27,180
I like Anton very much.

1250
01:09:27,180 --> 01:09:30,220
It was joyous to be able to talk
to someone who had the same

1251
01:09:30,220 --> 01:09:33,460
experiences or is still having
the same experiences with.

1252
01:09:33,460 --> 01:09:37,500
It always makes you feel less lonely
and less remote,

1253
01:09:37,500 --> 01:09:40,020
and I think that's one of
the problems that we face,

1254
01:09:40,020 --> 01:09:43,900
is that we feel isolated and
sometimes we make ourselves feel

1255
01:09:43,900 --> 01:09:47,420
isolated because we do persecute
ourselves for those things

1256
01:09:47,420 --> 01:09:50,100
that we see are "our fault",
as it were.

1257
01:09:52,020 --> 01:09:56,780
I fear that by hiding aspects
of being autistic, Anton is creating

1258
01:09:56,780 --> 01:10:00,220
a barrier between himself
and the non-autistic people

1259
01:10:00,220 --> 01:10:01,940
in his life.

1260
01:10:01,940 --> 01:10:05,460
I hope the film we make together
will help bridge that gap.

1261
01:10:10,780 --> 01:10:15,540
While Anton disguises his autistic
traits in everyday life, the next

1262
01:10:15,540 --> 01:10:19,940
person I'm meeting is far
less confident in social situations,

1263
01:10:19,940 --> 01:10:24,540
and his hypersensitivity to noise
is causing him to withdraw

1264
01:10:24,540 --> 01:10:25,820
from the world.

1265
01:10:25,820 --> 01:10:30,780
Ethan's 19,
studying games development.

1266
01:10:30,780 --> 01:10:34,860
Goes to college - it's the only time
he leaves home.

1267
01:10:36,340 --> 01:10:37,340
Wow.

1268
01:10:38,380 --> 01:10:42,060
Home for Ethan is Essex,
where he lives with his mum, dad

1269
01:10:42,060 --> 01:10:43,500
and younger sister.

1270
01:10:43,500 --> 01:10:45,860
He finds communication difficult.

1271
01:10:45,860 --> 01:10:50,980
He avoids socialising, preferring
to stay at home writing music.

1272
01:10:50,980 --> 01:10:53,540
Yeah, I think that's better. What do
you think? Yeah, sounds right.

1273
01:10:53,540 --> 01:10:55,980
Yeah, sounds a little bit better.

1274
01:10:57,700 --> 01:10:59,580
I remember being 19.

1275
01:10:59,580 --> 01:11:03,300
Couldn't talk to anyone
and integrate with anyone.

1276
01:11:03,300 --> 01:11:07,700
So, I did feel somewhat imprisoned.

1277
01:11:07,700 --> 01:11:12,860
I suppose the deepest part
of my sympathy lies with people

1278
01:11:12,860 --> 01:11:17,220
of Ethan's age, simply because of
my own life experience.

1279
01:11:17,220 --> 01:11:20,300
Also, it's a time when
there's enormous social pressure.

1280
01:11:20,300 --> 01:11:24,060
It's a really tough time
for young people.

1281
01:11:24,060 --> 01:11:27,180
Ethan has distanced himself
from his classmates

1282
01:11:27,180 --> 01:11:29,220
and he barely speaks to them.

1283
01:11:29,220 --> 01:11:33,300
He'd like to tell his peers
what his autistic mind looks like,

1284
01:11:33,300 --> 01:11:35,180
because they think he's
the quiet kid in the corner

1285
01:11:35,180 --> 01:11:36,900
with the headphones on.

1286
01:11:39,300 --> 01:11:42,340
I want to see for myself what
college life is like for Ethan.

1287
01:11:45,100 --> 01:11:47,540
Hello, Ethan.
How are you?

1288
01:11:47,540 --> 01:11:49,020
Yeah, I think I'm OK.

1289
01:11:49,020 --> 01:11:50,900
How about you?
Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

1290
01:11:50,900 --> 01:11:54,140
Shall we go in, Ethan?
Yes. You lead the way. OK.

1291
01:11:55,780 --> 01:11:59,500
Ethan was diagnosed as autistic
aged four, after his parents

1292
01:11:59,500 --> 01:12:02,340
noticed his speech was delayed
and he wasn't interacting

1293
01:12:02,340 --> 01:12:03,580
with others.

1294
01:12:03,580 --> 01:12:06,580
After you. Thank you very much.

1295
01:12:06,580 --> 01:12:07,980
For most of his childhood,

1296
01:12:07,980 --> 01:12:10,500
he attended a school
for autistic children.

1297
01:12:10,500 --> 01:12:14,780
But since moving here, he's become
increasingly isolated.

1298
01:12:14,780 --> 01:12:17,180
This is where my classroom is.

1299
01:12:17,180 --> 01:12:20,500
This is where I sit,
at the back of the class...

1300
01:12:20,500 --> 01:12:21,500
just working.

1301
01:12:25,540 --> 01:12:28,500
And this is a part
of my project here.

1302
01:12:29,860 --> 01:12:31,500
I need my glasses for this.

1303
01:12:31,500 --> 01:12:32,740
"Chaos Control."

1304
01:12:34,340 --> 01:12:36,700
"Reimagined soundtrack for
Sonic Adventure 2."

1305
01:12:36,700 --> 01:12:40,460
Sonic? Is that the hedgehog?
Yes. Right.

1306
01:12:40,460 --> 01:12:43,300
I'm noticing that Ethan
is avoiding eye contact,

1307
01:12:43,300 --> 01:12:45,860
a very common autistic trait.

1308
01:12:45,860 --> 01:12:50,020
For some of us, it can be physically
uncomfortable, even painful.

1309
01:12:51,500 --> 01:12:53,860
How do you find this environment?

1310
01:12:55,500 --> 01:12:59,860
At times noisy. In here? At times.

1311
01:12:59,860 --> 01:13:04,300
But I just put on my headphones
and just make sure that I'm working.

1312
01:13:04,300 --> 01:13:07,380
OK. So it's not that you don't like
people sat next to you, it's just

1313
01:13:07,380 --> 01:13:10,540
you don't like the noise that the
people sat next to you make. Yes.

1314
01:13:10,540 --> 01:13:12,740
Because you are in your own zone
here, aren't you? Yes.

1315
01:13:12,740 --> 01:13:16,820
I can't focus, like, with the noise
around me. OK.

1316
01:13:18,740 --> 01:13:22,820
Ethan's hypersensitivity to noise
means that even everyday spaces

1317
01:13:22,820 --> 01:13:26,500
like this classroom can feel
unbearably loud.

1318
01:13:26,500 --> 01:13:29,820
STUDENTS CHATTER

1319
01:13:31,740 --> 01:13:36,900
Just makes me feel less confident
in myself to actually do some work,

1320
01:13:36,900 --> 01:13:38,500
in a sense. OK.

1321
01:13:38,500 --> 01:13:41,820
So is it purely about work focus
or does it make you uncomfortable

1322
01:13:41,820 --> 01:13:45,340
and anxious about other aspects
of your environment?

1323
01:13:45,340 --> 01:13:48,060
Other aspects, really and truly.

1324
01:13:48,060 --> 01:13:49,700
Right.

1325
01:13:49,700 --> 01:13:53,380
I'm interested that Ethan has chosen
to sit as far away from everyone

1326
01:13:53,380 --> 01:13:55,140
else as he possibly can.

1327
01:13:55,140 --> 01:13:58,340
I'm not judging him, by the way,
because that was me!

1328
01:13:58,340 --> 01:13:59,540
That was what I did.

1329
01:14:00,500 --> 01:14:02,020
When I was at university,

1330
01:14:02,020 --> 01:14:04,940
I would always sit at the front
of the lecture theatre because none

1331
01:14:04,940 --> 01:14:08,060
of my fellow students wanted
to sit under the direct glare

1332
01:14:08,060 --> 01:14:09,380
of the lecturers.

1333
01:14:09,380 --> 01:14:13,820
And with the benefit of hindsight,
I think that that was a profound

1334
01:14:13,820 --> 01:14:15,540
lack of confidence.

1335
01:14:15,540 --> 01:14:19,140
I thought they were sorted
and I was broken and, therefore,

1336
01:14:19,140 --> 01:14:22,020
the only thing I could do
was to be in MY world

1337
01:14:22,020 --> 01:14:24,100
where I was in control.

1338
01:14:24,100 --> 01:14:27,860
I want to ask Ethan about
these things,

1339
01:14:27,860 --> 01:14:31,060
but I'm not entirely sure
that this is the place to do it.

1340
01:14:31,060 --> 01:14:35,380
This is the most difficult
part of his world.

1341
01:14:35,380 --> 01:14:37,420
I don't want to smash
up his comfort zone

1342
01:14:37,420 --> 01:14:40,460
and that's what he's tried to
establish here, so that he can do

1343
01:14:40,460 --> 01:14:42,860
what he essentially needs
to do, which is learn.

1344
01:14:46,460 --> 01:14:50,340
I hope he might be more comfortable
talking to me back at home.

1345
01:14:50,340 --> 01:14:54,300
Welcome to my humble abode.
Thank you very much. You're welcome.

1346
01:14:54,300 --> 01:14:55,980
There's my bedroom.

1347
01:14:55,980 --> 01:14:59,140
This is where the creativity
happens.

1348
01:14:59,140 --> 01:15:02,300
Where the creativity comes. Yes.

1349
01:15:02,300 --> 01:15:06,740
Have you always been into music?
Yes. Since I was very young.

1350
01:15:06,740 --> 01:15:12,700
Like, listening to it at first,
then deciding to write my own

1351
01:15:12,700 --> 01:15:14,180
as I got a little bit older.

1352
01:15:14,180 --> 01:15:17,580
OK. Give me a blast of something
that you've recorded.

1353
01:15:17,580 --> 01:15:20,060
Give me a minute...
OK. ..we'll have something.

1354
01:15:21,020 --> 01:15:23,060
MUSIC PLAYS

1355
01:15:23,060 --> 01:15:26,580
Autistic people who struggle
with social communication often find

1356
01:15:26,580 --> 01:15:30,660
it easier to express themselves
through music, poetry or art,

1357
01:15:30,660 --> 01:15:34,300
but nothing could have prepared me
for Ethan's performance.

1358
01:15:35,580 --> 01:15:37,660
RAPS: # Being focused
and I think no more

1359
01:15:37,660 --> 01:15:39,300
# Let's turn to write the beats

1360
01:15:39,300 --> 01:15:42,100
# And it's better than having to
risk my life for the streets

1361
01:15:42,100 --> 01:15:45,460
# If I can talk about my life
All I need is a mic and a beat

1362
01:15:45,460 --> 01:15:48,940
# But all the banter, laughter
and craziness is what gets to me

1363
01:15:48,940 --> 01:15:51,300
# Other unnecessary sounds
all inflict damage

1364
01:15:51,300 --> 01:15:53,100
# Like I'm in the ring with Anthony

1365
01:15:53,100 --> 01:15:54,700
# Being autistic and
dealing with that

1366
01:15:54,700 --> 01:15:56,420
# Has never been sweet like candy

1367
01:15:56,420 --> 01:15:57,900
# Yeah. #

1368
01:15:58,980 --> 01:16:01,420
See, I think, you say so much.

1369
01:16:01,420 --> 01:16:04,460
All of the things that you do
and don't want are all there.

1370
01:16:04,460 --> 01:16:07,180
Yes. Very clearly expressed.

1371
01:16:07,180 --> 01:16:11,020
It's really interesting
that you can be so completely

1372
01:16:11,020 --> 01:16:13,820
expressive with such clarity.

1373
01:16:13,820 --> 01:16:18,220
Just raw emotions is what
I truly express.

1374
01:16:18,220 --> 01:16:21,220
It's fantastic.
How often do you write a song?

1375
01:16:21,220 --> 01:16:24,260
Every day. Every day? Yes.

1376
01:16:24,260 --> 01:16:28,100
It's a part of my routine
to, like, help me.

1377
01:16:28,100 --> 01:16:32,540
And what do you think that the other
students in your classes would make

1378
01:16:32,540 --> 01:16:36,100
of this when they heard it? I mean,
do you think they might be surprised

1379
01:16:36,100 --> 01:16:40,740
that you've... you're saying
so much here, so intensely? Yeah.

1380
01:16:40,740 --> 01:16:43,460
But normally you don't spend much
time communicating with them.

1381
01:16:43,460 --> 01:16:45,060
They would be surprised.

1382
01:16:45,060 --> 01:16:46,820
I think they would,
wouldn't they? Yes.

1383
01:16:46,820 --> 01:16:50,220
Did you have "conventional"
friends at school?

1384
01:16:50,220 --> 01:16:51,900
People that you'd talk to?

1385
01:16:51,900 --> 01:16:54,460
Yes. But that's gone now.

1386
01:16:54,460 --> 01:16:56,820
Doesn't happen as much.

1387
01:16:56,820 --> 01:16:58,660
Do you miss that?

1388
01:16:58,660 --> 01:16:59,900
Er, yes.

1389
01:17:01,140 --> 01:17:04,460
# Hearing many people just speak
Laugh and scream these days... #

1390
01:17:04,460 --> 01:17:07,460
I hope making a film together
will help Ethan to connect

1391
01:17:07,460 --> 01:17:11,060
with his classmates and reveal
the rapper within.

1392
01:17:11,060 --> 01:17:13,500
# ..I don't want to hear people
go chat, yeah. #

1393
01:17:13,500 --> 01:17:16,660
But before we get started, I want to
know what his mum, Pershie,

1394
01:17:16,660 --> 01:17:20,300
thinks about his current
social isolation.

1395
01:17:20,300 --> 01:17:23,140
I've just been listening
to Ethan's music.

1396
01:17:23,140 --> 01:17:26,420
OK. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

1397
01:17:26,420 --> 01:17:28,500
He said to me that he used
to go out,

1398
01:17:28,500 --> 01:17:32,180
he used to have people who were more
like conventional friends.

1399
01:17:32,180 --> 01:17:34,060
Yes. When did that change?

1400
01:17:34,060 --> 01:17:35,780
I'd say when he started college.

1401
01:17:35,780 --> 01:17:39,140
He started getting very, very
anxious when he started college.

1402
01:17:39,140 --> 01:17:44,100
So he went from being Mr Popular
to college where no-one knew him.

1403
01:17:44,100 --> 01:17:47,860
So I think that made him really sad.

1404
01:17:47,860 --> 01:17:50,980
But before then, him and his friends
would go out,

1405
01:17:50,980 --> 01:17:54,220
he'd do stuff. He was thinking,
"I'm not king of the castle

1406
01:17:54,220 --> 01:17:57,020
"like I was. At college,
no-one knows me."

1407
01:17:57,020 --> 01:18:01,540
In his world, he's not lonely,
but in my world, he looks lonely.

1408
01:18:01,540 --> 01:18:04,420
Are you worried about him?

1409
01:18:04,420 --> 01:18:06,900
I mean, in the long-term.
I am. I am,

1410
01:18:06,900 --> 01:18:10,420
because I think, "What's going
to happen to him when I'm gone?

1411
01:18:10,420 --> 01:18:13,020
"And what happens after uni?"

1412
01:18:13,020 --> 01:18:15,540
But he's staying here. Yes. Yes.

1413
01:18:15,540 --> 01:18:18,060
Because he's not ready to go
on his own.

1414
01:18:18,060 --> 01:18:23,580
He would rather just stay at home,
make his music and just crash.

1415
01:18:23,580 --> 01:18:29,180
Maybe one day be in a relationship,
have meaningful friends and...

1416
01:18:29,180 --> 01:18:31,180
..have fun.
SHE LAUGHS

1417
01:18:31,180 --> 01:18:33,460
What did you do?

1418
01:18:33,460 --> 01:18:35,300
We didn't do that much work today.

1419
01:18:35,300 --> 01:18:37,300
What? At school?

1420
01:18:37,300 --> 01:18:38,940
THEY LAUGH
Wow!

1421
01:18:38,940 --> 01:18:43,580
Never say that to your mum and dad.
That's the worst thing you can say!

1422
01:18:43,580 --> 01:18:46,540
It strikes me that if Ethan's
classmates understood

1423
01:18:46,540 --> 01:18:49,580
how he experiences the world,
why he's always hiding

1424
01:18:49,580 --> 01:18:53,740
in his headphones, it might make
it easier for him to make friends

1425
01:18:53,740 --> 01:18:58,180
and give him the strength he needs
to step out into the world.

1426
01:18:58,180 --> 01:19:02,020
I hope I can help him bridge
this gap, but I am worried

1427
01:19:02,020 --> 01:19:05,060
that he's going to find
it difficult to open up.

1428
01:19:09,180 --> 01:19:11,900
Is this the house you grew up
in? Yeah, yeah.

1429
01:19:14,020 --> 01:19:18,140
As the saying goes, mums know best.
So here in Middlesbrough...

1430
01:19:18,140 --> 01:19:19,460
Hello!

1431
01:19:19,460 --> 01:19:21,380
..I'm meeting the person
who best understands

1432
01:19:21,380 --> 01:19:25,380
how being autistic affects Anton -
his mum, Nicola.

1433
01:19:26,580 --> 01:19:29,300
So, Nicola, I've come to ask
you about what Anton

1434
01:19:29,300 --> 01:19:32,860
was like when he was a younger
person. Yeah.

1435
01:19:32,860 --> 01:19:36,060
I mean, we used to have a lot
of problems with change.

1436
01:19:36,060 --> 01:19:39,580
For example, I had my hair
colour changed once

1437
01:19:39,580 --> 01:19:41,460
and he just went berserk.

1438
01:19:41,460 --> 01:19:43,460
He was attacking me,
pulling my hair.

1439
01:19:43,460 --> 01:19:47,180
I had to quickly dye it back, you
know, so he couldn't take change

1440
01:19:47,180 --> 01:19:49,020
and he couldn't take visual change.

1441
01:19:49,020 --> 01:19:51,420
Anton! Jump in the water.

1442
01:19:51,420 --> 01:19:55,780
25% of autistic boys are diagnosed
before the age of six.

1443
01:19:59,300 --> 01:20:01,820
Anton's challenging behaviour
led to him

1444
01:20:01,820 --> 01:20:04,100
being diagnosed aged four.

1445
01:20:04,100 --> 01:20:05,940
REPETITIVE BEATS
Turn it off!

1446
01:20:10,100 --> 01:20:14,380
When I was a kid, there were certain
environments that were absolutely

1447
01:20:14,380 --> 01:20:16,180
sort of incendiary, really.

1448
01:20:16,180 --> 01:20:19,540
They were total no-go zones,
and supermarkets was one of them.

1449
01:20:19,540 --> 01:20:22,340
I remember my mother being really
excited about

1450
01:20:22,340 --> 01:20:25,900
the "first supermarket", but it was
like the "first hell" for me.

1451
01:20:25,900 --> 01:20:30,060
And so, she would love to go
there and it was a disaster.

1452
01:20:30,060 --> 01:20:34,060
Back in 2000,
there was a new supermarket

1453
01:20:34,060 --> 01:20:35,900
and it was just too much for him.

1454
01:20:35,900 --> 01:20:39,700
He just took everything off all
one side of the whole aisle.

1455
01:20:39,700 --> 01:20:42,980
He was screaming, he was crying,
he was holding his head

1456
01:20:42,980 --> 01:20:45,580
and to everybody around him...

1457
01:20:45,580 --> 01:20:47,860
I remember that, I remember the...

1458
01:20:47,860 --> 01:20:51,340
the look of horror
on everybody's face

1459
01:20:51,340 --> 01:20:55,660
and sometimes, you know, even
disgust, you know, "What the heck?"

1460
01:20:55,660 --> 01:20:57,900
It was a mixture of embarrassment,

1461
01:20:57,900 --> 01:21:00,420
scared, you know, at what
he was doing.

1462
01:21:00,420 --> 01:21:03,020
I just had to get out and it was
just, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

1463
01:21:03,020 --> 01:21:06,140
I was really sorry to everybody.
I was trying to pick things up.

1464
01:21:06,140 --> 01:21:08,180
Things were flying
around all over the place

1465
01:21:08,180 --> 01:21:10,620
and in the end, I just didn't
go back.

1466
01:21:10,620 --> 01:21:14,260
Looking back on it now, you feel
guilty because you think,

1467
01:21:14,260 --> 01:21:15,940
"Oh, God," you know?

1468
01:21:15,940 --> 01:21:19,500
What, what must he have felt like,
you know, to...

1469
01:21:19,500 --> 01:21:22,860
to have had to feel that way?
And it's awful.

1470
01:21:22,860 --> 01:21:25,020
When did things start to get better?

1471
01:21:25,020 --> 01:21:26,700
Things got better,

1472
01:21:26,700 --> 01:21:30,060
I would say, probably maybe
one year later.

1473
01:21:30,060 --> 01:21:31,900
I began to understand

1474
01:21:31,900 --> 01:21:37,220
the autistic spectrum and I did
a little bit of voluntary work

1475
01:21:37,220 --> 01:21:39,700
within the school as well, you know,
with the other children.

1476
01:21:39,700 --> 01:21:43,420
And I found strategies of dealing
with it. There doesn't seem

1477
01:21:43,420 --> 01:21:47,220
to be any ambiguity about the fact
that your desire to address

1478
01:21:47,220 --> 01:21:50,420
the issues and problems have proved
to be absolutely essential

1479
01:21:50,420 --> 01:21:52,700
in getting him where he is today.

1480
01:21:52,700 --> 01:21:55,820
But he's still struggling
to this day

1481
01:21:55,820 --> 01:21:57,540
and this is the strange thing,

1482
01:21:57,540 --> 01:21:59,580
I changed my cupboards around -

1483
01:21:59,580 --> 01:22:04,380
this is my house, my stuff, and
I did get rid of a lot of stuff.

1484
01:22:04,380 --> 01:22:08,460
And when he visited, he went, "Oh,
no, I don't like this. What's this?"

1485
01:22:08,460 --> 01:22:10,980
And he was going from, and he said,
"I can't cope with this,"

1486
01:22:10,980 --> 01:22:12,620
and he had to come out.

1487
01:22:12,620 --> 01:22:14,420
He said, "I don't want to go
in there now."

1488
01:22:14,420 --> 01:22:18,380
So I do worry for his future and
I worry, you know, for his partner.

1489
01:22:18,380 --> 01:22:20,980
I hope that she can manage.

1490
01:22:24,140 --> 01:22:25,820
How are you doing?

1491
01:22:25,820 --> 01:22:26,900
Not too bad.

1492
01:22:28,220 --> 01:22:30,060
It's always a bit cringeworthy

1493
01:22:30,060 --> 01:22:32,260
listening to your mum
talking about you.

1494
01:22:32,260 --> 01:22:36,060
Yeah, distressing hearing
about her, distressed really.

1495
01:22:36,060 --> 01:22:39,900
I'm more bothered about the feelings
and the distress caused.

1496
01:22:39,900 --> 01:22:41,500
Like, I feel, I feel bad.

1497
01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:43,900
That's sort of like the world I'm in
now at the moment.

1498
01:22:43,900 --> 01:22:47,700
There's that, like, I can't help
but try and balance to...

1499
01:22:47,700 --> 01:22:50,780
keep them people happy and...

1500
01:22:50,780 --> 01:22:54,660
But also, at the same time,
explain what's

1501
01:22:54,660 --> 01:22:57,060
going on and how I feel about it.

1502
01:23:01,340 --> 01:23:04,620
While his family and fiancee
know the real Anton,

1503
01:23:04,620 --> 01:23:06,220
not everyone does.

1504
01:23:06,220 --> 01:23:08,180
And the people he most wants to get

1505
01:23:08,180 --> 01:23:10,660
through to are his five-a-side
football mates.

1506
01:23:10,660 --> 01:23:12,420
Ooh-ho-ho!

1507
01:23:12,420 --> 01:23:15,700
What do they say?
The boy done good.

1508
01:23:16,940 --> 01:23:19,660
I'm not very good on
football parlance.

1509
01:23:19,660 --> 01:23:21,060
That's it, Al!

1510
01:23:21,060 --> 01:23:24,540
I'm keen to know what Anton
has shared about being autistic

1511
01:23:24,540 --> 01:23:27,980
with his team-mates, Alan and Ant.

1512
01:23:27,980 --> 01:23:32,300
Did you know that Anton
was autistic before he told you?

1513
01:23:32,300 --> 01:23:34,340
No, not really.
No. Not a clue, no.

1514
01:23:34,340 --> 01:23:37,500
Did you sense there was anything
different about him, though?

1515
01:23:37,500 --> 01:23:41,140
Sometimes there's a little bit
of social awkwardness,

1516
01:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,340
some things he does,

1517
01:23:43,340 --> 01:23:45,940
but I've never put a stamp
on him because of that.

1518
01:23:45,940 --> 01:23:48,980
So were you surprised, then?
Yeah, I was very surprised, yeah.

1519
01:23:48,980 --> 01:23:52,940
Because, obviously, I have a brother
that's autistic and he's quite,

1520
01:23:52,940 --> 01:23:58,180
quite wild. And he's down-to-earth
and nothing different about him.

1521
01:23:58,180 --> 01:23:59,980
Just seems like a normal,
genuine guy.

1522
01:23:59,980 --> 01:24:03,380
And has he been able
to tell you what his life's

1523
01:24:03,380 --> 01:24:06,180
like in terms of it being a bit
different than most people's?

1524
01:24:06,180 --> 01:24:08,780
No, not really. I mean, he comes
to football like the rest of us.

1525
01:24:08,780 --> 01:24:11,860
He has a partner like most of us.

1526
01:24:11,860 --> 01:24:14,300
And he has his own home
like the majority of us.

1527
01:24:14,300 --> 01:24:15,900
So, no, not really.

1528
01:24:15,900 --> 01:24:18,780
There's nothing really different
about him as far as I can see.

1529
01:24:22,100 --> 01:24:25,980
I'm reassured his friends are so
supportive and I hope they'll feel

1530
01:24:25,980 --> 01:24:30,380
the same when Anton reveals his
struggles with routine and change.

1531
01:24:33,140 --> 01:24:36,900
He's made such phenomenal progress.

1532
01:24:36,900 --> 01:24:41,500
He just needs to be able to move
that next step to communicate

1533
01:24:41,500 --> 01:24:45,020
everything to these people
around him - how he feels,

1534
01:24:45,020 --> 01:24:47,420
how he interprets the world.

1535
01:24:47,420 --> 01:24:50,780
And I just think that if he can
just take that up a level,

1536
01:24:50,780 --> 01:24:53,140
he's going to make real progress.

1537
01:25:05,660 --> 01:25:08,580
Since our last meeting,
Ethan has been busy

1538
01:25:08,580 --> 01:25:11,220
channelling his feelings
about sensory overload

1539
01:25:11,220 --> 01:25:13,540
into a new track.
# Every time I rap

1540
01:25:13,540 --> 01:25:15,180
# I bring something different
to the table... #

1541
01:25:17,740 --> 01:25:21,140
And I've booked a professional
recording studio so he can lay

1542
01:25:21,140 --> 01:25:22,260
down the lyrics.

1543
01:25:22,260 --> 01:25:24,060
# ..Sounds of conversation
would be one of them

1544
01:25:24,060 --> 01:25:25,660
# Sounds of footsteps
would be another

1545
01:25:25,660 --> 01:25:27,460
# Sounds of dogs
will be one of them

1546
01:25:27,460 --> 01:25:30,460
# Sounds of crying will be another
Especially tears from babies... #

1547
01:25:30,460 --> 01:25:33,060
This new track will form
the basis of the film

1548
01:25:33,060 --> 01:25:35,380
we'll show to his friends.

1549
01:25:35,380 --> 01:25:41,260
I hope that when people watch the
film, it'll help them understand

1550
01:25:41,260 --> 01:25:45,420
that it's OK to be different,
it's OK to not

1551
01:25:45,420 --> 01:25:48,900
have, like, the brightest
presence in the room.

1552
01:25:50,660 --> 01:25:53,900
With the help of designer
Chaz Golding, we're going to turn

1553
01:25:53,900 --> 01:25:57,220
Ethan's words into the ultimate
music video.

1554
01:25:57,220 --> 01:26:01,060
Chaz has created dramatic visuals
for artists from Kanye West

1555
01:26:01,060 --> 01:26:02,340
to Rita Ora.

1556
01:26:02,340 --> 01:26:05,620
Hi, Ethan. I'm Chaz. How are
you doing? You all right?

1557
01:26:05,620 --> 01:26:10,260
I want him to give Ethan the same
A-list treatment to show visually

1558
01:26:10,260 --> 01:26:13,140
how the chaos of college
makes him feel.

1559
01:26:13,140 --> 01:26:16,620
So I thought what might be nice
is if we got a sketchbook out

1560
01:26:16,620 --> 01:26:18,980
and then you can maybe scribble
down some thoughts.

1561
01:26:18,980 --> 01:26:20,420
Yes, definitely. OK. Great.

1562
01:26:20,420 --> 01:26:22,980
If you imagine that this is
the start of your journey

1563
01:26:22,980 --> 01:26:25,260
into college,
this is you in the classroom

1564
01:26:25,260 --> 01:26:27,260
and this is your journey
between the two dots.

1565
01:26:27,260 --> 01:26:30,820
So, at what point during
that journey is the most
kind of traumatic for you?

1566
01:26:30,820 --> 01:26:33,180
Right here would be
the canteen area.

1567
01:26:33,180 --> 01:26:36,540
There will be a lot of noises here.
Unexpected voices,

1568
01:26:36,540 --> 01:26:40,580
so that's one of them.
Chairs being pushed in and out.

1569
01:26:40,580 --> 01:26:43,260
Yeah. The sound of the legs dragging
on the floor. Yes.

1570
01:26:43,260 --> 01:26:46,260
And then, just a lot
of footsteps in general.

1571
01:26:46,260 --> 01:26:48,340
Yeah. There's no carpet in college
as well, right?

1572
01:26:48,340 --> 01:26:49,820
There is. There is carpet?

1573
01:26:49,820 --> 01:26:53,020
There is but it's still...
Even then, it's still loud.

1574
01:26:53,020 --> 01:26:55,460
Yeah, you can still hear that. Yes.

1575
01:26:55,460 --> 01:26:58,580
Wow. So if you were to draw
that as the sound wave,

1576
01:26:58,580 --> 01:27:00,180
what would that feel
like along this journey?

1577
01:27:00,180 --> 01:27:01,740
Could you try and draw a sound wave?

1578
01:27:01,740 --> 01:27:04,620
So this would be here, spikes,

1579
01:27:04,620 --> 01:27:06,740
then here, another spike.

1580
01:27:06,740 --> 01:27:08,700
Whenever I'm in the classroom,

1581
01:27:08,700 --> 01:27:11,020
too many of them. Too many spikes.

1582
01:27:11,020 --> 01:27:15,820
I would say the sentence that comes
to mind, and it's the only sentence

1583
01:27:15,820 --> 01:27:19,180
that I have, is this chaos
cannot be controlled.

1584
01:27:19,180 --> 01:27:23,500
And I'm just there in the corner at
the back of the class, just trying

1585
01:27:23,500 --> 01:27:28,220
to make sure that everything is fine
but really and truly it's not.

1586
01:27:33,340 --> 01:27:37,500
To give me a better understanding of
what's going on inside Ethan's head,

1587
01:27:37,500 --> 01:27:42,860
I'm meeting an expert in autistic
hypersensitivity, Dr Luke Beardon.

1588
01:27:44,020 --> 01:27:46,940
He's chosen to meet me here at the
Moor Market, it's an indoor market,

1589
01:27:46,940 --> 01:27:50,380
I can see that, and it looks
pretty busy.

1590
01:27:50,380 --> 01:27:54,460
Not necessarily in terms of people,
but in terms of sensory stimuli

1591
01:27:54,460 --> 01:27:58,460
of all kinds.
I can already smell it from outside!

1592
01:27:58,460 --> 01:28:00,780
HE LAUGHS

1593
01:28:00,780 --> 01:28:01,980
Oh, well, here goes.

1594
01:28:03,740 --> 01:28:04,740
Oh, God.

1595
01:28:06,380 --> 01:28:10,020
Nearly all autistic people report
being unusually responsive

1596
01:28:10,020 --> 01:28:12,180
to at least one of the senses.

1597
01:28:12,180 --> 01:28:15,980
Bright lights, temperature,
unexpected noises, texture and taste

1598
01:28:15,980 --> 01:28:17,900
can all be challenging.

1599
01:28:17,900 --> 01:28:21,980
Here, it's the smells
that are bothering me the most.

1600
01:28:21,980 --> 01:28:23,780
The fruit is the worst
of all for me.

1601
01:28:23,780 --> 01:28:27,980
I don't know why. That citrus,
sicky citrus fruit smell,

1602
01:28:27,980 --> 01:28:30,100
when you mingle it in
with everything else,

1603
01:28:30,100 --> 01:28:32,180
is really unpleasant.

1604
01:28:32,180 --> 01:28:35,380
You must be Luke. Hi, Chris.
Hello. Welcome.

1605
01:28:35,380 --> 01:28:38,380
I feel like I should apologise
in advance for dragging you here.

1606
01:28:38,380 --> 01:28:41,420
You must apologise! I feel like
you're taking one for the team.

1607
01:28:41,420 --> 01:28:44,460
Luke is a senior lecturer
and autism researcher

1608
01:28:44,460 --> 01:28:46,580
at Sheffield Hallam University.

1609
01:28:46,580 --> 01:28:49,900
He's dedicated his career
to speaking to autistic people

1610
01:28:49,900 --> 01:28:52,300
about their experiences.

1611
01:28:52,300 --> 01:28:55,980
Why is my sensory experience
here so radically different

1612
01:28:55,980 --> 01:28:57,580
from a non-autistic person?

1613
01:28:57,580 --> 01:29:00,260
What's happening is your primary
senses, whether they're good or bad

1614
01:29:00,260 --> 01:29:03,260
or indifferent, are picking up
all of that external stimuli,

1615
01:29:03,260 --> 01:29:06,260
and what happens then is what I call
the filtering process.

1616
01:29:06,260 --> 01:29:09,380
The brain takes that sensory
information, filters it

1617
01:29:09,380 --> 01:29:12,220
and then, what the non-autistic
person ends up with is a conscious

1618
01:29:12,220 --> 01:29:14,180
understanding of the sensory
environment. OK.

1619
01:29:14,180 --> 01:29:16,700
So are you saying that for
non-autistic people they are able

1620
01:29:16,700 --> 01:29:20,620
to block this, some of this out?
A huge amount of it out.

1621
01:29:20,620 --> 01:29:24,620
They're actually not aware of
certain sounds or smells or sights

1622
01:29:24,620 --> 01:29:27,220
and so on, whereas, the autistic
person is aware of all of it.

1623
01:29:27,220 --> 01:29:28,980
But how does that work mechanically?

1624
01:29:28,980 --> 01:29:32,300
How is that wiring different
in my brain?

1625
01:29:32,300 --> 01:29:35,220
There's no definitive answer,
which makes the whole sensory side

1626
01:29:35,220 --> 01:29:39,060
of things, A, fascinating and B,
extraordinarily complex.

1627
01:29:39,060 --> 01:29:41,500
Shall we go for a little walk?
Absolutely.

1628
01:29:41,500 --> 01:29:44,020
To continue to stimulate
our senses.

1629
01:29:44,020 --> 01:29:47,500
Being unable to filter out
this onslaught of information

1630
01:29:47,500 --> 01:29:51,220
can have significant consequences
for autistic people.

1631
01:29:51,220 --> 01:29:55,540
Someone hypersensitive to smell
might vomit at the faintest

1632
01:29:55,540 --> 01:29:56,940
whiff of perfume.

1633
01:29:56,940 --> 01:30:00,300
Someone hypersensitive to sound
might, like Ethan,

1634
01:30:00,300 --> 01:30:02,740
find it challenging to leave home.

1635
01:30:02,740 --> 01:30:05,540
That maybe somewhat dark side
of the sensory world

1636
01:30:05,540 --> 01:30:09,180
needs to be embraced and understood
and accepted as well.

1637
01:30:09,180 --> 01:30:14,580
I know individuals, for example,
who have not eaten at school

1638
01:30:14,580 --> 01:30:16,460
because the smell of the cafeteria

1639
01:30:16,460 --> 01:30:18,500
is enough that they cannot
digest food.

1640
01:30:18,500 --> 01:30:23,140
I know young adults who have
ended up in anorexia wards not

1641
01:30:23,140 --> 01:30:25,980
because they're anorexic
but because they have sensory

1642
01:30:25,980 --> 01:30:28,060
aversions to certain types of food.

1643
01:30:28,060 --> 01:30:31,060
And that behaviour has been
misunderstood in these examples

1644
01:30:31,060 --> 01:30:34,180
as anorexia, as opposed
to understanding the person

1645
01:30:34,180 --> 01:30:36,180
from an autistic perspective.

1646
01:30:36,180 --> 01:30:39,180
OK. Let's leave the fish.

1647
01:30:40,780 --> 01:30:44,340
After the stress of the market,
I want to take Luke somewhere

1648
01:30:44,340 --> 01:30:49,540
I feel more comfortable, to explore
one of the contradictions of autism.

1649
01:30:49,540 --> 01:30:54,500
Why I, like so many, seek out
specific sensations.

1650
01:30:55,700 --> 01:30:58,820
When I go into the supermarket,
ideally, I'd like to be able

1651
01:30:58,820 --> 01:31:02,060
to block stuff out and I do block
it out by just simply not going.

1652
01:31:02,060 --> 01:31:05,020
When I come here, I want
everything to come in -

1653
01:31:05,020 --> 01:31:07,980
the sound of the trees in the wind,
the sound of the trees in the rain.

1654
01:31:07,980 --> 01:31:12,700
And to know them differently, for
me, is, brings... I'm just going to

1655
01:31:12,700 --> 01:31:13,860
say it brings me joy.

1656
01:31:13,860 --> 01:31:17,580
It's not... Actually, it's not...
It's comfort it brings me.

1657
01:31:17,580 --> 01:31:20,140
I think what you're describing
is a conscious

1658
01:31:20,140 --> 01:31:22,860
effort of sensory seeking.

1659
01:31:22,860 --> 01:31:27,460
If you've identified something
that soothes you, gives you joy,

1660
01:31:27,460 --> 01:31:30,940
gives you comfort, that you're then
going to be hyper aware of that.

1661
01:31:30,940 --> 01:31:34,020
What about Ethan? Does it
strike you in any way

1662
01:31:34,020 --> 01:31:36,380
as ironic that here is a young man

1663
01:31:36,380 --> 01:31:39,140
who's got a super sensitivity
to sound and yet,

1664
01:31:39,140 --> 01:31:41,100
he's massively into music?

1665
01:31:41,100 --> 01:31:45,140
He composes music, which by
definition, I would say anyway,

1666
01:31:45,140 --> 01:31:47,500
is better heard loud.

1667
01:31:47,500 --> 01:31:48,860
I don't think it's ironic

1668
01:31:48,860 --> 01:31:51,180
and it doesn't surprise me
in the slightest.

1669
01:31:51,180 --> 01:31:54,420
The noise, in and of itself,
is fairly immaterial,

1670
01:31:54,420 --> 01:31:55,940
it's the unexpected nature of it.

1671
01:31:55,940 --> 01:32:00,660
There's absolutely, categorically no
denying that some autistic people's

1672
01:32:00,660 --> 01:32:05,460
sensory experiences are the best
thing to them about being autistic.

1673
01:32:05,460 --> 01:32:08,660
I've heard people saying,
"I feel so sorry for people

1674
01:32:08,660 --> 01:32:13,020
"who don't experience the sensory
joy that I experience by sniffing

1675
01:32:13,020 --> 01:32:17,420
"the dog or listening to the noise
of geese on brand-new snow."

1676
01:32:17,420 --> 01:32:21,380
So there's this extraordinary
juxtaposition on the one hand

1677
01:32:21,380 --> 01:32:25,780
of sensory joy and on the other
hand, sensory distress, sometimes

1678
01:32:25,780 --> 01:32:28,220
within the same individual.

1679
01:32:28,220 --> 01:32:30,620
Luke has given me
a broader perspective

1680
01:32:30,620 --> 01:32:33,100
on Ethan's sensory world.

1681
01:32:33,100 --> 01:32:37,740
I want to inject this into his film
to help his classmates hear

1682
01:32:37,740 --> 01:32:43,260
what he hears, feel what he feels
and, hopefully, change the way

1683
01:32:43,260 --> 01:32:44,620
they see him.

1684
01:32:49,780 --> 01:32:50,860
Up in Middlesbrough,

1685
01:32:50,860 --> 01:32:54,460
Anton is spending the day
with Ty Unwin, the composer

1686
01:32:54,460 --> 01:32:57,140
he'll be working with
to soundtrack his film.

1687
01:32:57,140 --> 01:32:59,460
When I come to the bus stop
every morning,

1688
01:32:59,460 --> 01:33:02,940
this is where I lean. To get
a full picture of Anton's complex

1689
01:33:02,940 --> 01:33:05,140
relationship with time and routine,

1690
01:33:05,140 --> 01:33:09,700
I've suggested that Ty accompany him
on his journey to work.

1691
01:33:09,700 --> 01:33:11,540
So, what time do the bus come?

1692
01:33:11,540 --> 01:33:12,860
7.03.

1693
01:33:12,860 --> 01:33:16,060
So you've left the house at 6.55.

1694
01:33:16,060 --> 01:33:18,460
Yeah. You're here at 6.58?

1695
01:33:18,460 --> 01:33:21,940
Yeah. You're here with six minutes
to spare. Yep.

1696
01:33:21,940 --> 01:33:24,660
Has it ever not arrived
for any reason?

1697
01:33:24,660 --> 01:33:29,780
There's a time where it came at,
I think it was like 7:01. OK.

1698
01:33:29,780 --> 01:33:33,180
And it was one of them where
I sort of thought,

1699
01:33:33,180 --> 01:33:35,740
"All right, it's here.

1700
01:33:35,740 --> 01:33:37,740
"At least I know I'm getting
to work," you know?

1701
01:33:37,740 --> 01:33:40,900
But did it throw you?
It kind of did, yeah.

1702
01:33:40,900 --> 01:33:46,260
If for whatever reason, you did miss
it, how would that make you feel?

1703
01:33:46,260 --> 01:33:48,980
I can't begin to imagine what would
happen if it didn't turn up

1704
01:33:48,980 --> 01:33:50,940
or if I missed it.

1705
01:33:50,940 --> 01:33:52,900
Really? Yeah.

1706
01:33:52,900 --> 01:33:56,540
I think it would really...
ruin the day.

1707
01:33:56,540 --> 01:33:59,740
I think it... To the point where
I might not even go to work.

1708
01:33:59,740 --> 01:34:01,180
Really? Yeah, yeah.

1709
01:34:06,380 --> 01:34:07,940
All right, mate?

1710
01:34:12,340 --> 01:34:16,580
While Ty is seeing for himself
how much routine affects Anton,

1711
01:34:16,580 --> 01:34:21,700
I'm exploring the science
behind this aspect of autistic life.

1712
01:34:21,700 --> 01:34:25,420
Dr Punit Shah is a senior
lecturer in psychology

1713
01:34:25,420 --> 01:34:27,700
at the University of Bath.

1714
01:34:27,700 --> 01:34:30,940
Hello. Hi, Chris. Come in.
Lovely to meet you.
Thank you for coming along.

1715
01:34:30,940 --> 01:34:34,340
His work focuses on trying
to understand the processes

1716
01:34:34,340 --> 01:34:37,740
behind restricted and
repetitive behaviours,

1717
01:34:37,740 --> 01:34:40,380
something which Anton
and I have in common.

1718
01:34:42,380 --> 01:34:45,500
For these questions, I want you
to give me a number between

1719
01:34:45,500 --> 01:34:49,220
one to five and say how much
you endorse or identify

1720
01:34:49,220 --> 01:34:50,780
with these statements.

1721
01:34:50,780 --> 01:34:55,220
So let's start with, "There are
certain activities that I always

1722
01:34:55,220 --> 01:34:57,820
"choose to do the same way
every time."

1723
01:34:57,820 --> 01:35:00,460
It's not ALL things that I would
choose to do in the same way,

1724
01:35:00,460 --> 01:35:03,140
but there are certain things that I
would HAVE to do in the same way.

1725
01:35:03,140 --> 01:35:04,820
So, yeah, five. OK.

1726
01:35:04,820 --> 01:35:08,260
"I often insist on doing things in
a certain way or redoing things

1727
01:35:08,260 --> 01:35:10,380
"until they're just right."

1728
01:35:10,380 --> 01:35:12,780
The redoing thing is
the story of my life.

1729
01:35:12,780 --> 01:35:14,700
I'm constantly redoing everything

1730
01:35:14,700 --> 01:35:17,060
to try and get it righter.
Yeah, five.

1731
01:35:17,060 --> 01:35:19,260
So Chris, here's my final
question.

1732
01:35:19,260 --> 01:35:22,140
I like to arrange things
in rows or patterns.

1733
01:35:22,140 --> 01:35:24,940
Yeah, there's... Yeah.
Little doubt about that.

1734
01:35:24,940 --> 01:35:27,140
I'll tell you what, I can
demonstrate that - rather than

1735
01:35:27,140 --> 01:35:29,780
answer the question, I can show you
the answer to that question.

1736
01:35:29,780 --> 01:35:32,540
OK. Punit, yeah, just come upstairs.

1737
01:35:32,540 --> 01:35:36,340
There are many elements of my life
that I control rigidly,

1738
01:35:36,340 --> 01:35:38,780
so providing an example isn't hard.

1739
01:35:39,940 --> 01:35:42,740
So firstly, there are
different wardrobes

1740
01:35:42,740 --> 01:35:45,180
with different sets
of T-shirts in.

1741
01:35:45,180 --> 01:35:48,220
So these are my everyday T-shirts.

1742
01:35:48,220 --> 01:35:51,340
What's important is obviously
there's a spectrum order here.

1743
01:35:51,340 --> 01:35:54,940
I also like to have
a uniformity of hangers,

1744
01:35:54,940 --> 01:35:57,820
and the hangers need to be
equally spaced.

1745
01:35:57,820 --> 01:36:01,060
I think we'll score that a five.
OK.

1746
01:36:01,060 --> 01:36:02,460
Forgive the oxymoron -

1747
01:36:02,460 --> 01:36:06,140
is this "normal" for autistic
people, this stuff?

1748
01:36:06,140 --> 01:36:08,220
Well, restricted
and repetitive behaviours

1749
01:36:08,220 --> 01:36:09,820
manifest in different ways.

1750
01:36:09,820 --> 01:36:13,780
This tendency to apply order,
whether it's to clothes, shoes,

1751
01:36:13,780 --> 01:36:16,780
whatever it might be, there is
a sort of common theme there

1752
01:36:16,780 --> 01:36:19,780
that we do see,
which is a part of autism.

1753
01:36:20,820 --> 01:36:22,660
For me, it's about T-shirts.

1754
01:36:22,660 --> 01:36:25,540
For Anton, it's time.

1755
01:36:25,540 --> 01:36:28,980
Have we any idea,
neurophysiologically,

1756
01:36:28,980 --> 01:36:32,620
what is going on
in mine and Anton's minds

1757
01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:35,620
when it comes to these needs
to adhere to pattern?

1758
01:36:35,620 --> 01:36:37,140
In short, not really.

1759
01:36:37,140 --> 01:36:40,340
I think for a long time
we've used brain-imaging studies

1760
01:36:40,340 --> 01:36:43,260
and quite small-scale studies
to try and probe this,

1761
01:36:43,260 --> 01:36:45,700
but actually a lot of that research

1762
01:36:45,700 --> 01:36:47,420
wasn't as robust
as we thought it was,

1763
01:36:47,420 --> 01:36:50,220
particularly because
we don't understand the behaviours.

1764
01:36:50,220 --> 01:36:54,020
Punit, in the past, some of those
traits would have been seen

1765
01:36:54,020 --> 01:36:58,100
to have been at least annoying,
at worst antisocial.

1766
01:36:58,100 --> 01:37:00,940
But now we're beginning
to respect the fact

1767
01:37:00,940 --> 01:37:04,380
that they represent abilities
for autistic people.

1768
01:37:04,380 --> 01:37:08,260
Yeah, they were certainly seen
as a deficit, some people would say,

1769
01:37:08,260 --> 01:37:11,860
and as a problem to be stopped.
But as we've learned more about

1770
01:37:11,860 --> 01:37:14,180
restricted and repetitive
behaviours,

1771
01:37:14,180 --> 01:37:17,420
we found that it's not
necessarily helpful to stop them.

1772
01:37:17,420 --> 01:37:21,100
And actually in certain cases
where it's not harmful,

1773
01:37:21,100 --> 01:37:23,540
self-injurious
or harming other people,

1774
01:37:23,540 --> 01:37:27,980
that it can be good for the person
to regulate their own emotions

1775
01:37:27,980 --> 01:37:29,820
and other aspects of themselves,

1776
01:37:29,820 --> 01:37:34,420
but may also be linked to strengths
and talents in autism.

1777
01:37:34,420 --> 01:37:38,580
Seeing benefits in autistic
behaviour is a major change

1778
01:37:38,580 --> 01:37:40,540
in scientific thought,

1779
01:37:40,540 --> 01:37:45,420
and one that I hope will improve
perceptions in the wider world.

1780
01:37:49,420 --> 01:37:53,260
In London, Anton and I are meeting
designer Paul Tigwell,

1781
01:37:53,260 --> 01:37:57,660
who will help visualise
his rigid adherence to routine.

1782
01:37:57,660 --> 01:37:59,220
What's the one thing that

1783
01:37:59,220 --> 01:38:03,180
you're really interested
in getting from Anton?

1784
01:38:03,180 --> 01:38:05,780
In particular moments of stress,

1785
01:38:05,780 --> 01:38:08,860
how do you actually see
the world visually?

1786
01:38:08,860 --> 01:38:11,140
Sometimes out of nowhere,
there's no build-up,

1787
01:38:11,140 --> 01:38:13,580
it just sort straight...
I get this sort of blurred vision.

1788
01:38:13,580 --> 01:38:15,340
Something sort of echoes.

1789
01:38:15,340 --> 01:38:19,380
And like, sometimes I have to
sort of like, rub my head like this.

1790
01:38:19,380 --> 01:38:21,740
And I sometimes talk to myself
in my head.

1791
01:38:21,740 --> 01:38:23,700
I often have this voice that says,
like,

1792
01:38:23,700 --> 01:38:26,820
"You've got two minutes to
finish that coffee,

1793
01:38:26,820 --> 01:38:28,820
"grab your bag, out the house."

1794
01:38:28,820 --> 01:38:31,740
So it's like a sort of little,
like, routine where I sort of like,

1795
01:38:31,740 --> 01:38:33,700
I'm doing my thing
and then I'm going...

1796
01:38:33,700 --> 01:38:36,740
and then it's like...
You know what I mean?

1797
01:38:36,740 --> 01:38:41,940
Paul's going to use these ideas
to create a look for Anton's film,

1798
01:38:41,940 --> 01:38:45,060
while Ty begins to put it
to a beat.

1799
01:38:45,060 --> 01:38:46,980
What kind of speed
are we talking about?

1800
01:38:46,980 --> 01:38:49,020
TAPS ON TABLE

1801
01:38:49,020 --> 01:38:50,380
Bit faster.

1802
01:38:50,380 --> 01:38:52,020
Yeah?

1803
01:38:52,020 --> 01:38:53,740
So all we'll do is...

1804
01:38:53,740 --> 01:38:55,300
DRUMBEAT PLAYS

1805
01:38:55,300 --> 01:38:57,740
Tempo wise, how does that feel?

1806
01:38:57,740 --> 01:38:59,820
Yeah. Yeah? Absolutely.

1807
01:38:59,820 --> 01:39:01,940
So you can either have it
kind of goes...

1808
01:39:01,940 --> 01:39:04,260
SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON BEAT

1809
01:39:04,260 --> 01:39:07,180
Or you have the emphasis
on the off beat. So you go...

1810
01:39:07,180 --> 01:39:08,860
SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON OFF BEAT

1811
01:39:10,660 --> 01:39:13,100
With soundtracks for both films
taking shape,

1812
01:39:13,100 --> 01:39:16,780
it's down to my film crew
to record the visuals.

1813
01:39:16,780 --> 01:39:20,860
In Basildon, we start on the streets
surrounding Ethan's college.

1814
01:39:20,860 --> 01:39:22,340
What I would like you to do

1815
01:39:22,340 --> 01:39:24,860
is perhaps going to be holding
this camera here. OK.

1816
01:39:28,540 --> 01:39:33,180
In Middlesbrough, we're filming
every carefully timed moment...

1817
01:39:34,460 --> 01:39:37,020
..of Anton's journey
to football practice.

1818
01:39:38,620 --> 01:39:41,100
Perfect. Walk towards us
as if we're not here.

1819
01:39:41,100 --> 01:39:42,460
Just keep walking.

1820
01:39:42,460 --> 01:39:44,140
Go for it, Anton.

1821
01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:47,180
That's it. Yes! You got it.
Nailed it.

1822
01:39:47,180 --> 01:39:48,420
What a throw!

1823
01:39:50,660 --> 01:39:54,620
Footage captured, the graphics team
combine all of these elements

1824
01:39:54,620 --> 01:39:57,420
into two films
that accurately reflect

1825
01:39:57,420 --> 01:40:00,260
Ethan and Anton's
autistic experiences.

1826
01:40:00,260 --> 01:40:03,780
I can't wait to share the results
with their families and friends.

1827
01:40:09,020 --> 01:40:13,820
First up, Ethan's film is ready
to show to his classmates.

1828
01:40:18,620 --> 01:40:21,780
This is the cinema
where Ethan's film

1829
01:40:21,780 --> 01:40:24,060
is going to get its world premiere,

1830
01:40:24,060 --> 01:40:28,980
but it's no ordinary screen
that it's going to be projected on.

1831
01:40:28,980 --> 01:40:30,860
Just take a look at this.

1832
01:40:30,860 --> 01:40:34,620
What we want is a completely
immersive experience,

1833
01:40:34,620 --> 01:40:37,740
and I think
we're likely to get it here

1834
01:40:37,740 --> 01:40:40,940
because, look,
this is the main screen,

1835
01:40:40,940 --> 01:40:45,020
but here the images
are projected all up the walls,

1836
01:40:45,020 --> 01:40:47,580
so you're virtually surrounded.

1837
01:40:47,580 --> 01:40:51,260
It's going to be intense.
I presume it's going to be loud.

1838
01:40:51,260 --> 01:40:53,100
It's visually
going to be challenging

1839
01:40:53,100 --> 01:40:55,020
because you're not just
looking at that,

1840
01:40:55,020 --> 01:40:57,580
you've got it all around you.
And this, we hope,

1841
01:40:57,580 --> 01:41:00,860
will for the audience
replicate that part

1842
01:41:00,860 --> 01:41:03,900
of Ethan's autistic experience.

1843
01:41:03,900 --> 01:41:05,340
EXHALES

1844
01:41:05,340 --> 01:41:08,020
It could be quite something in here,
I've got to say.

1845
01:41:08,020 --> 01:41:09,620
I'm bracing myself for this.

1846
01:41:12,300 --> 01:41:16,060
As a coachload of staff
and students from the college

1847
01:41:16,060 --> 01:41:18,380
start to arrive...
Ethan! Hello.

1848
01:41:18,380 --> 01:41:20,700
..I have a few moments
to catch up with

1849
01:41:20,700 --> 01:41:23,020
the newly confident
star of the show.

1850
01:41:23,020 --> 01:41:24,660
I've seen the film. Did you?

1851
01:41:24,660 --> 01:41:26,020
It's fantastic, isn't it?

1852
01:41:26,020 --> 01:41:27,900
Are you pleased? I am.

1853
01:41:27,900 --> 01:41:31,860
It is a very accurate representation
of my autistic experience

1854
01:41:31,860 --> 01:41:34,420
and how I deal with life.

1855
01:41:34,420 --> 01:41:39,860
Do you think that the viewers
are going to be able to get

1856
01:41:39,860 --> 01:41:42,500
that greater understanding
of what it's like to be you

1857
01:41:42,500 --> 01:41:44,380
when it comes to the acoustic world?

1858
01:41:44,380 --> 01:41:45,940
Yeah, definitely.

1859
01:41:45,940 --> 01:41:47,860
And how do you feel about
showing them?

1860
01:41:47,860 --> 01:41:50,220
Because at the moment
you're on the brink of sort of

1861
01:41:50,220 --> 01:41:52,780
baring your autistic soul
to these people. I am.

1862
01:41:52,780 --> 01:41:55,820
Hopefully they will get
a better understanding of me

1863
01:41:55,820 --> 01:41:58,380
as someone who's autistic.

1864
01:41:58,380 --> 01:42:00,460
I'm on the edge of my seat,
quite literally,

1865
01:42:00,460 --> 01:42:02,860
to see how they react to it.
And you've got me into a cinema.

1866
01:42:02,860 --> 01:42:04,900
I've got to say, I haven't
been to the cinema...

1867
01:42:04,900 --> 01:42:06,940
I'll tell you,
the last time I went - Avatar.

1868
01:42:06,940 --> 01:42:09,740
that's how long ago it was. Wow.
Got me into a cinema,

1869
01:42:09,740 --> 01:42:13,020
and I'm here and I'm really excited.
Oh, wow.

1870
01:42:13,020 --> 01:42:14,420
Anyway, we're nearly there.

1871
01:42:14,420 --> 01:42:17,100
We are. After you. Thank you.

1872
01:42:21,620 --> 01:42:25,300
The crowd take their seats, and I
can feel the excitement building.

1873
01:42:25,300 --> 01:42:28,300
Ethan's mum, dad and sister
are all here,

1874
01:42:28,300 --> 01:42:30,860
along with Chaz
from the creative team.

1875
01:42:30,860 --> 01:42:34,260
This film is Ethan's
autistic experience

1876
01:42:34,260 --> 01:42:36,340
condensed into two minutes.

1877
01:42:36,340 --> 01:42:40,220
I really hope it will help
his classmates see him differently.

1878
01:42:47,300 --> 01:42:49,740
MUSIC, WHOOSHING AND CRACKLING

1879
01:42:56,660 --> 01:42:58,020
LAUGHTER

1880
01:42:58,020 --> 01:43:00,300
# Too much happens within one place

1881
01:43:00,300 --> 01:43:02,100
# That gives me sensory overload

1882
01:43:02,100 --> 01:43:04,060
# I have a gut feeling in my gut

1883
01:43:04,060 --> 01:43:06,100
# That I just want to go home

1884
01:43:06,100 --> 01:43:09,140
# Makes me feel unsure about life
Feeling distant and empty

1885
01:43:09,140 --> 01:43:10,460
# On my way to college

1886
01:43:10,460 --> 01:43:13,580
# What will be the sounds
that will affect me?

1887
01:43:26,660 --> 01:43:29,020
BARKING

1888
01:43:33,220 --> 01:43:35,340
WHOOSH OF TRAFFIC

1889
01:43:46,060 --> 01:43:48,820
# As soon as I walked in the doors
there will be chaos

1890
01:43:48,820 --> 01:43:50,380
# Anticipate it like a movie

1891
01:43:50,380 --> 01:43:52,260
# Yeah, but I thought
it would be a calm day

1892
01:43:52,260 --> 01:43:53,860
# But it's not, really and truly

1893
01:43:56,460 --> 01:43:57,860
# Everyone's eating, drinking

1894
01:43:57,860 --> 01:43:59,940
# Cooking up, buying stuff
and blaring music

1895
01:44:02,100 --> 01:44:04,220
# All of that will be intrusive

1896
01:44:04,220 --> 01:44:06,780
# And that's enough
to make me lose it

1897
01:44:06,780 --> 01:44:08,620
# There's noise in the room

1898
01:44:08,620 --> 01:44:11,020
# Coping with that,
I don't know if I would

1899
01:44:12,940 --> 01:44:14,780
# My classmates play the beat
in a club

1900
01:44:14,780 --> 01:44:15,980
# I don't think they would

1901
01:44:17,140 --> 01:44:20,140
# Queue tellers in the classroom
will politely tell 'em shush... #

1902
01:44:20,140 --> 01:44:22,980
Hello!
Can you turn the music off?

1903
01:44:22,980 --> 01:44:25,460
# But then it comes back
seconds later

1904
01:44:25,460 --> 01:44:27,260
# For them it's not a good look

1905
01:44:31,660 --> 01:44:34,300
# Sometimes I'm cool with it
Other times I'm not

1906
01:44:37,900 --> 01:44:40,100
# If there's too much going on
in my eyes and ears

1907
01:44:40,100 --> 01:44:42,700
# Motivation is gone
Like I'm driving in a Lamborghini

1908
01:44:42,700 --> 01:44:45,180
# Or taking flesh to Santorini

1909
01:44:45,180 --> 01:44:48,180
# Dealing, but the craziness
has not been easy

1910
01:44:49,940 --> 01:44:51,820
# This chaos here
cannot be controlled

1911
01:44:51,820 --> 01:44:53,580
# My mind goes blank
and I feel powerless

1912
01:44:53,580 --> 01:44:54,940
# And my confidence will go

1913
01:44:56,180 --> 01:44:58,820
# This will be one of the most
telling songs to record

1914
01:44:58,820 --> 01:45:02,220
# Now that's the end of the song
I hope that you get me more. #

1915
01:45:03,660 --> 01:45:05,300
APPLAUSE

1916
01:45:10,100 --> 01:45:12,700
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1917
01:45:17,660 --> 01:45:18,780
How do you feel?

1918
01:45:18,780 --> 01:45:22,100
I feel amazed by everyone
watching the film.

1919
01:45:22,100 --> 01:45:26,660
Thank you for coming along to watch
it and thank you for turning up.

1920
01:45:26,660 --> 01:45:30,740
I didn't expect this to happen,
but so grateful that you're here.

1921
01:45:30,740 --> 01:45:32,980
Aww.

1922
01:45:37,220 --> 01:45:39,020
Literally amazing.

1923
01:45:39,020 --> 01:45:40,780
It's fantastic, man.
Thank you.

1924
01:45:40,780 --> 01:45:42,820
It was...it was cool.
It was very cool.

1925
01:45:42,820 --> 01:45:44,700
We could see that...
It was very obvious

1926
01:45:44,700 --> 01:45:46,340
that you'd worked
really hard on it.

1927
01:45:46,340 --> 01:45:49,300
I think the end result is actually
really sick. Thank you.

1928
01:45:49,300 --> 01:45:53,180
It's, like, brung a whole new view
into autism for me

1929
01:45:53,180 --> 01:45:55,700
because I didn't really
understand it much

1930
01:45:55,700 --> 01:45:58,220
and it kind of maybe
opened my eyes a bit more

1931
01:45:58,220 --> 01:46:00,020
into understanding how it works.

1932
01:46:00,020 --> 01:46:02,580
Everything was amazing.
Like, I really liked it.

1933
01:46:02,580 --> 01:46:05,380
All the sounds being very difficult
to take in,

1934
01:46:05,380 --> 01:46:08,500
because normally for...
For me, I just, like, walk past.

1935
01:46:08,500 --> 01:46:09,820
Nothing affects me.

1936
01:46:09,820 --> 01:46:13,740
Imagine if Ethan was just trying
to explain to you in words

1937
01:46:13,740 --> 01:46:17,220
what you've just seen
in images and sound.

1938
01:46:17,220 --> 01:46:18,940
To be honest,
I wouldn't understand it.

1939
01:46:18,940 --> 01:46:21,020
It would be very hard
to understand.

1940
01:46:21,020 --> 01:46:23,100
It's very hard to understand
what he's going through

1941
01:46:23,100 --> 01:46:24,220
because it's so intense.

1942
01:46:24,220 --> 01:46:26,660
The way you portray your feelings
through music as well,

1943
01:46:26,660 --> 01:46:29,060
just get everyone aware
of what you feel.

1944
01:46:29,060 --> 01:46:30,980
Just amazing. Like, keep it up.

1945
01:46:30,980 --> 01:46:32,460
You're doing amazing.

1946
01:46:32,460 --> 01:46:35,140
The film seems to have had
a profound effect

1947
01:46:35,140 --> 01:46:37,940
on Ethan's fellow students,
and they're leaving

1948
01:46:37,940 --> 01:46:41,820
not only with a better understanding
of his autistic mind,

1949
01:46:41,820 --> 01:46:44,780
but also of his creativity
and passion.

1950
01:46:46,380 --> 01:46:49,500
It was amazing. The visual
part of it as well was just...

1951
01:46:50,940 --> 01:46:54,540
Even Ethan's family
have had their views challenged.

1952
01:46:57,060 --> 01:46:59,860
The speech - dude,
did you write that?

1953
01:46:59,860 --> 01:47:02,060
Nah, nah, nah...
No, he really...

1954
01:47:02,060 --> 01:47:03,740
That was eloquent. That's...

1955
01:47:03,740 --> 01:47:05,700
Yeah. Wow.

1956
01:47:05,700 --> 01:47:07,100
That was pretty impressive.

1957
01:47:07,100 --> 01:47:09,100
It was excellent. Eye-opening.

1958
01:47:09,100 --> 01:47:11,940
I didn't think the noise
affected him that much.

1959
01:47:11,940 --> 01:47:14,820
The portrayal
is a chaotic experience.

1960
01:47:14,820 --> 01:47:17,500
Everyday experience, basically,
it's just chaos.

1961
01:47:17,500 --> 01:47:20,180
I didn't realise I was very selfish
because I always say to Ethan,

1962
01:47:20,180 --> 01:47:21,780
"Come on, let's just go shopping.

1963
01:47:21,780 --> 01:47:23,820
"Let's do this. You'll be fine.
Let's just go."

1964
01:47:23,820 --> 01:47:26,580
And I'm thinking, "Wow.
So every time I say that to him,

1965
01:47:26,580 --> 01:47:28,260
"it's just... He experiences this?"

1966
01:47:28,260 --> 01:47:30,300
And I felt really, really bad.

1967
01:47:30,300 --> 01:47:33,500
Well, up until now,
without all of that,

1968
01:47:33,500 --> 01:47:37,340
you know, effort and ability
that he's mustered to make the film,

1969
01:47:37,340 --> 01:47:39,900
it would have been quite hard
to understand.

1970
01:47:39,900 --> 01:47:42,020
How do you feel?
I feel relieved.

1971
01:47:42,020 --> 01:47:45,740
I feel amazed
that they got the message.

1972
01:47:45,740 --> 01:47:49,620
It has given me
a bit of a confidence boost,

1973
01:47:49,620 --> 01:47:52,460
made me feel excited for life.

1974
01:47:52,460 --> 01:47:54,740
So do you think
you can start making friends

1975
01:47:54,740 --> 01:47:57,660
like you did
when you were at your old school?

1976
01:47:57,660 --> 01:48:00,100
That day will happen.
I'm glad you did this,

1977
01:48:00,100 --> 01:48:03,180
and it feels like a big weight
off your shoulders, isn't it?

1978
01:48:03,180 --> 01:48:07,020
It does. Just laid all your cards
on the table. I did.

1979
01:48:07,020 --> 01:48:10,500
Say, "This is me." Yes.
Good. I'm proud of you.

1980
01:48:13,140 --> 01:48:14,460
Well done. Thank you.

1981
01:48:15,820 --> 01:48:18,060
For me, the film worked.

1982
01:48:19,740 --> 01:48:24,900
His fellow students, who came here
not really knowing much about Ethan

1983
01:48:24,900 --> 01:48:27,460
because he hadn't let them
into his world,

1984
01:48:27,460 --> 01:48:31,860
he couldn't let them into his world,
have left here, and they've told us,

1985
01:48:31,860 --> 01:48:34,300
with a far better understanding

1986
01:48:34,300 --> 01:48:37,500
of the way that Ethan
experiences his life.

1987
01:48:39,980 --> 01:48:44,500
He's gone beyond someone
who was uncomfortable and troubled

1988
01:48:44,500 --> 01:48:46,820
and needed to manage himself,

1989
01:48:46,820 --> 01:48:49,940
through his own creativity
and songwriting ability,

1990
01:48:49,940 --> 01:48:51,580
into a communicator.

1991
01:48:51,580 --> 01:48:54,780
A communicator about
what it's like to be autistic.

1992
01:48:56,020 --> 01:48:59,300
And that's brilliant.
And it's put a smile on my face.

1993
01:49:01,660 --> 01:49:04,860
Following the success
of Ethan's film premiere,

1994
01:49:04,860 --> 01:49:07,820
I've got high hopes for Anton's.

1995
01:49:07,820 --> 01:49:10,660
How are you feeling, then?
Psyched.

1996
01:49:10,660 --> 01:49:13,340
But I haven't told him
where it's going to be screened.

1997
01:49:13,340 --> 01:49:14,580
It's quite a big step.

1998
01:49:14,580 --> 01:49:16,660
You're exposing yourself
to a lot of people

1999
01:49:16,660 --> 01:49:18,900
about a very important part
of your life.

2000
01:49:18,900 --> 01:49:21,220
It's what I've always wanted to do,
to be honest,

2001
01:49:21,220 --> 01:49:23,580
get that message out.

2002
01:49:23,580 --> 01:49:25,060
Is this is where it is?

2003
01:49:25,060 --> 01:49:26,260
Yeah.

2004
01:49:26,260 --> 01:49:30,020
Tonight, Anton's film will be shown
on the big screen

2005
01:49:30,020 --> 01:49:32,620
at Middlesbrough's
Riverside Stadium.

2006
01:49:32,620 --> 01:49:35,460
It's my second home.
She's beautiful, isn't she?

2007
01:49:35,460 --> 01:49:38,940
Well, I wouldn't call it
an architectural wonder, personally.

2008
01:49:38,940 --> 01:49:40,740
Up the Boro!

2009
01:49:42,940 --> 01:49:44,620
What's it like being in here?

2010
01:49:44,620 --> 01:49:46,860
It's something else, this.
Something else.

2011
01:49:46,860 --> 01:49:48,260
My heroes are in here.

2012
01:49:48,260 --> 01:49:52,300
While Anton imparts some football
knowledge, his fans, his family,

2013
01:49:52,300 --> 01:49:55,300
fiancee and football mates
take their positions.

2014
01:49:56,500 --> 01:49:59,820
Bit apprehensive. Bit stressed.

2015
01:49:59,820 --> 01:50:01,780
LAUGHS

2016
01:50:01,780 --> 01:50:05,540
Just, like, that it'll go right
and that it'll all fall into place.

2017
01:50:05,540 --> 01:50:08,660
I'm just really excited to see
what we're going to be showing

2018
01:50:08,660 --> 01:50:11,700
and also to see
Anton's reaction to it.

2019
01:50:11,700 --> 01:50:16,980
I mean, he seems to be a lot happier
about sort of him and himself

2020
01:50:16,980 --> 01:50:18,660
at football since doing it.

2021
01:50:18,660 --> 01:50:21,500
He's opened up a lot more
to the other lads at football.

2022
01:50:22,940 --> 01:50:27,180
In terms of a reaction, what are
you hoping for, do you think?

2023
01:50:27,180 --> 01:50:29,220
I want people to feel proud.

2024
01:50:29,220 --> 01:50:31,380
You know, I don't want to blow
my trumpet, but, you know,

2025
01:50:31,380 --> 01:50:33,460
I've came a long way and...

2026
01:50:33,460 --> 01:50:36,700
..I think it deserves
to be celebrated.

2027
01:50:36,700 --> 01:50:40,060
You watch that film
and you're going to learn something.

2028
01:50:40,060 --> 01:50:42,180
So I think they'll be surprised.

2029
01:50:42,180 --> 01:50:47,820
But along with that, I hope there's
an understanding, acceptance,

2030
01:50:47,820 --> 01:50:50,260
maybe a different approach.

2031
01:50:50,260 --> 01:50:55,220
It's time. It's the final,
for once, on this pitch. Yeah.

2032
01:50:55,220 --> 01:50:56,900
Let's go.

2033
01:51:00,620 --> 01:51:02,820
CHEERING

2034
01:51:02,820 --> 01:51:04,940
THEY LAUGH

2035
01:51:04,940 --> 01:51:06,660
Fans are in!

2036
01:51:08,300 --> 01:51:12,100
It's not the full 30,000, but...
I don't need 30,000.

2037
01:51:12,100 --> 01:51:13,660
That's good enough for me.

2038
01:51:16,020 --> 01:51:18,660
For the first time in Anton's life,

2039
01:51:18,660 --> 01:51:22,180
he's revealing how extreme
his response to change can be.

2040
01:51:24,020 --> 01:51:26,340
Why don't we roll the film?

2041
01:51:27,980 --> 01:51:30,020
MUSIC PLAYING

2042
01:51:36,780 --> 01:51:40,060
Being on the pitch
means everything to me.

2043
01:51:40,060 --> 01:51:42,740
The people, the passion.

2044
01:51:47,020 --> 01:51:49,940
But getting here isn't always easy.

2045
01:51:54,380 --> 01:51:57,860
For me, being autistic means
I need a routine.

2046
01:51:57,860 --> 01:52:00,540
I need a beat.
BEAT INTENSIFIES

2047
01:52:00,540 --> 01:52:02,140
I need a rhythm.

2048
01:52:02,140 --> 01:52:07,100
Monday night is practice, this week,
next week, every week.

2049
01:52:08,540 --> 01:52:10,700
I leave the house at 7:43.

2050
01:52:11,700 --> 01:52:13,940
Never later.

2051
01:52:13,940 --> 01:52:15,780
I'll wait by the door if I'm early.

2052
01:52:18,100 --> 01:52:22,260
It takes one minute to unlock
my bike, helmet, check the lights.

2053
01:52:22,260 --> 01:52:25,980
I can hear the track in my head
building to the drop.

2054
01:52:27,820 --> 01:52:30,020
BEAT DROPS
The journey takes four minutes,

2055
01:52:30,020 --> 01:52:32,620
30 seconds, leaving me ten minutes

2056
01:52:32,620 --> 01:52:34,740
to warm up
and get my head in the game.

2057
01:52:35,740 --> 01:52:37,220
But today...

2058
01:52:37,220 --> 01:52:38,660
MUSIC PAUSES

2059
01:52:40,060 --> 01:52:41,940
20 seconds late.

2060
01:52:41,940 --> 01:52:43,700
30 seconds late.

2061
01:52:43,700 --> 01:52:45,500
Match starts at eight.

2062
01:52:45,500 --> 01:52:46,980
Come on!

2063
01:52:48,420 --> 01:52:50,780
BEAT DROPS
I need that time back.

2064
01:53:00,740 --> 01:53:02,180
I make it.

2065
01:53:03,860 --> 01:53:06,260
But today, nothing's going right.

2066
01:53:11,860 --> 01:53:14,420
This isn't what I was expecting.

2067
01:53:17,660 --> 01:53:19,220
The beat has gone.

2068
01:53:21,260 --> 01:53:24,500
This will stay with me for hours.
Days.

2069
01:53:24,500 --> 01:53:26,220
Just going round like a record.

2070
01:53:28,300 --> 01:53:30,020
It might seem strange to you.

2071
01:53:30,020 --> 01:53:32,860
Does it matter that I'm late
or if I miss a game?

2072
01:53:33,940 --> 01:53:35,980
But it does for me.

2073
01:53:35,980 --> 01:53:38,980
Sudden change leaves me
feeling out of control.

2074
01:53:38,980 --> 01:53:41,380
Sometimes I can't cope at all.

2075
01:53:42,740 --> 01:53:44,580
BEAT DROPS

2076
01:53:44,580 --> 01:53:47,620
I can deal with change,
but I need some warning.

2077
01:53:49,500 --> 01:53:51,740
This is the night I wanted.

2078
01:53:51,740 --> 01:53:53,980
Everything going to plan.

2079
01:53:53,980 --> 01:53:56,980
I feel safe. I feel secure.

2080
01:53:56,980 --> 01:53:58,980
And now I can have fun.

2081
01:54:04,740 --> 01:54:06,660
APPLAUSE

2082
01:54:13,660 --> 01:54:14,940
What did you think?

2083
01:54:14,940 --> 01:54:16,460
I thought it was eye-opening,

2084
01:54:16,460 --> 01:54:18,140
knowing that that's going on
in his mind,

2085
01:54:18,140 --> 01:54:20,180
that he's sort of concentrating
on everything.

2086
01:54:20,180 --> 01:54:23,220
It must be really stressful to sort
of deal with that all of the time.

2087
01:54:23,220 --> 01:54:26,620
Something that we...
That I, sorry, take for granted.

2088
01:54:28,940 --> 01:54:32,180
I feel like I can go
and have a little chat with him now,

2089
01:54:32,180 --> 01:54:35,940
just maybe ask him how he's doing
a bit more.

2090
01:54:35,940 --> 01:54:37,300
I think that was really good.

2091
01:54:37,300 --> 01:54:40,340
I just think it gives everyone
an insight to what you go through

2092
01:54:40,340 --> 01:54:41,940
and what we go through every day.

2093
01:54:41,940 --> 01:54:45,740
That explained better about me
than me explaining it to people.

2094
01:54:45,740 --> 01:54:48,900
Yeah, because I think you struggle
to get your words out sometimes.

2095
01:54:48,900 --> 01:54:50,220
What do you think, then?

2096
01:54:50,220 --> 01:54:52,460
I think in that two minutes,
there's a lot of information.

2097
01:54:52,460 --> 01:54:54,420
I didn't even know
that little bit myself

2098
01:54:54,420 --> 01:54:55,860
about how hard it was for him.

2099
01:54:55,860 --> 01:54:59,980
I have seen him suffering
and not known why,

2100
01:54:59,980 --> 01:55:03,260
but now he's been able to put it
into some sort of words,

2101
01:55:03,260 --> 01:55:06,100
I think I probably would be able
to speak more now, maybe,

2102
01:55:06,100 --> 01:55:08,820
I think he would be able to
explain to me more things now.

2103
01:55:11,740 --> 01:55:13,420
You've had a few good nights here.

2104
01:55:13,420 --> 01:55:15,380
How does this one rate?

2105
01:55:15,380 --> 01:55:18,100
Couldn't get any better than that,
could you? Could you?

2106
01:55:18,100 --> 01:55:21,020
I don't think so.
It was quite heartening.

2107
01:55:21,020 --> 01:55:24,020
You did tell me that you,
in the past at least,

2108
01:55:24,020 --> 01:55:28,820
have been nervous about outwardly
expressing your autistic experience

2109
01:55:28,820 --> 01:55:30,980
to other people. Mmm.

2110
01:55:30,980 --> 01:55:33,940
But now it's done.
Yeah. It's out there.

2111
01:55:33,940 --> 01:55:36,340
How do you feel about that?

2112
01:55:36,340 --> 01:55:38,420
Yeah, I feel immensely proud

2113
01:55:38,420 --> 01:55:40,900
that I've had the courage
to do that.

2114
01:55:40,900 --> 01:55:42,380
It wasn't easy.

2115
01:55:42,380 --> 01:55:44,180
I'm so glad that I've done it.

2116
01:55:46,260 --> 01:55:49,660
That film gives people
a real insight

2117
01:55:49,660 --> 01:55:53,260
into part of Anton's
autistic experience.

2118
01:55:54,620 --> 01:55:58,580
But the key thing was the reaction
of his friends and family,

2119
01:55:58,580 --> 01:56:01,740
because his mum said that she'd just
learned something from it.

2120
01:56:01,740 --> 01:56:03,740
And what that says to me

2121
01:56:03,740 --> 01:56:08,020
is if his own family
don't get it after 25 years,

2122
01:56:08,020 --> 01:56:10,660
that's a measure of that difficulty.

2123
01:56:10,660 --> 01:56:13,820
And tonight, a measure
of his success,

2124
01:56:13,820 --> 01:56:16,660
because he has put his cards
on the table.

2125
01:56:16,660 --> 01:56:21,620
And I think he's met his mission
of becoming a role model.

2126
01:56:25,180 --> 01:56:29,900
What I've been trying to do is give
four autistic people the opportunity

2127
01:56:29,900 --> 01:56:33,540
to tell the people they love
how they truly feel.

2128
01:56:33,540 --> 01:56:37,420
To be more autistic in public
than they previously were.

2129
01:56:37,420 --> 01:56:41,900
And every time they've done it,
they've absolutely shone.

2130
01:56:41,900 --> 01:56:44,540
But I hope it doesn't stop here.

2131
01:56:44,540 --> 01:56:47,380
I hope that everyone
who watches these films

2132
01:56:47,380 --> 01:56:51,940
will become more accepting of
the autistic people in their lives.

2133
01:56:51,940 --> 01:56:57,260
The people we work with, socialise
with, walk past in the street.

2134
01:56:57,260 --> 01:57:00,340
Because the more
we understand each other,

2135
01:57:00,340 --> 01:57:02,860
the better all our lives
will become.

2136
01:57:35,220 --> 01:57:37,540
Discover more about autistic minds

2137
01:57:37,540 --> 01:57:40,540
and the innovations being used
by autistic people

2138
01:57:40,540 --> 01:57:41,900
in their daily lives.

2139
01:57:41,900 --> 01:57:45,860
Go to bbc.co.uk/autism

2140
01:57:45,860 --> 01:57:48,860
and follow the links
to the Open University.