It's beautiful, isn't it?
It's my favourite place in the whole wide world.
But what do you see when you look here?
I imagine you see trees, green leaves, some branches,
a beautiful woodland scene.
But what I see is different,
because I'm seeing every trunk, every branch.
I'm seeing the connections between them.
And then I see the leaves.
I can see the slightly different colours,
slightly different shapes,
any damage that's been done to them.
As a naturalist, this is enormously beneficial.
But sometimes all of this, the visual part of my world,
is simply too much.
It becomes utterly overwhelming.
And that's because I'm autistic.
In 2017, I first shared my autism diagnosis on television.
Since then, I've been astonished by the thousands of letters
and emails I've received from other autistic people...
..some telling me the programme had helped them connect
with the people around them, but others telling me they're lonely,
miserable, even suicidal,
because they feel the world doesn't understand them.
For me, these letters reveal a hidden crisis,
because estimates suggest there could be as many as 700,000
autistic people in the UK.
And I think that the wider world still doesn't really understand
what it means to be autistic.
And this is a problem for those of us who already feel excluded,
different, like we don't fit in.
In this series, I want to do something about it.
Working with top film-makers, graphic designers,
animators, and musicians,
I'm giving four autistic people the chance to bring
their experiences to life...
That's it.
..by creating short films...
OK, cool.
..that reveal to their friends and families...
To my mum.
..how they're really feeling inside.
Sometimes I can't cope at all.
I hope to give all of us a better understanding of our autistic minds.
For much of my early life, I felt completely misunderstood,
like no-one knew what was going on inside my head,
how different my world was.
If I can now change that for just one person,
then my work here will be done.
There's no one autistic experience.
Every autistic person has their own unique set of strengths
and challenges, not always apparent to the naked eye.
And that's certainly the case for the first person I'm meeting.
I'm on lettuce. I'm on lettuce. I've got tomatoes.
Get out my way!
Flo is 28 and lives in Wiltshire with her husband Duncan.
No! Oh. Immediately died.
Nearly everyone... Immediately died.
In her spare time, she enjoys performing improvised comedy,
and tonight, at this pub, her troupe are topping the bill.
I don't know who's more scared, Flo or me.
I'm not a fan of pubs, or any busy noisy spaces,
and this room is getting louder and louder.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Runaways.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is the last place
I would expect to find another autistic person...
Thank you. Slightly overestimated how tall I am there.
..let alone see one onstage.
I'm going to ask you to shout out the name of this gerbil for me.
He doesn't have a name yet because I've only just imagined him.
THEY SHOUT POTENTIAL GERBIL NAMES
Pretty sure that was overwhelmingly Gary.
Now, improv might not be my cup of tea,
but I am impressed by Flo's confidence and wit.
It's often said that autistic people struggle in large groups...
"She flung herself into his arms, kissed him almost violently."
MWAH!
..but the audience are eating out of her hands.
I can transfer you to a clinic.
LAUGHTER
Thank you ever so much. We have been The Runaways.
CHEERING
You might not even realise Flo is autistic,
but I suspect this might be part of the act.
Hello. All right?
OK?
Now I am, yeah.
Why weren't you before?
I was incredibly nervous.
A lot of the people who meet you, I think, will see a confident
young woman who's on the stage doing comedy in front of
a large audience of people.
These are not things that people would normally associate
with autism. No.
Why are you comfortable to do improv?
I think for me, any conversation at any point in time,
is improvisation.
So improv comedy for me is exactly what I do when I go to the shop,
and the person behind the counter is asking me about my day.
The way that I hope to communicate with that person
is usually based on rules.
I love rules in a conversation.
I love small talk because if someone goes, "How are you doing?
"How was your day?" I can go, "It was great, thank you.
"How was yours?" I know what comes next.
But that isn't really you. Mm.
That's something that you've created in order to be able to exist
in that environment. Yeah.
So typically, we would describe that as masking,
and a lot of autistic people use that.
Mm. I mean, the eye contact that I'm making with you now...
You're conscious of it. Yeah.
So am I. Yeah.
It's weird, isn't it? And I'm not looking at your eyes.
I'm looking here. Yeah. Yeah.
So would you say, then...?
Masking or camouflaging is when autistic people consciously copy
the behaviour and mannerisms of others,
whilst keeping anything society deems unusual hidden away.
I'm never speaking my native language, and it is exhausting.
I'm really tired. I've burnt out from work,
I've burnt out from friendships, I isolate myself sometimes,
and that happens more frequently than I would like it to.
What percentage of your life do you think is that added part
you've built around your personality so that you can be
socially functional?
I'd say 95% of my time that I'm awake, I am masking.
When I'm with my husband, Duncan, I'm not under the same pressure.
I think he's the only human being alive who's ever seen me unmasked.
What about your parents? No.
This is shocking, but sadly, not uncommon.
OK.
And this is what Flo hopes to address in the film
we're going to make together...
Did you grow up around here, then, Flo?
I didn't.
My mum in the last few years has lived here with my stepdad, Ian.
Hello?
..because if there's one person in the world she'd really like
to open up to, it's her mum, Ruth.
Hi, Chris, nice to meet you. How do you do? My mum.
Now, Flo wasn't diagnosed as autistic until her early 20s...
I've got loads of photos of Flo.
Just a couple, then. Just a couple.
..so I'm curious whether there were any clues in her childhood.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm in a lot of boxes,
and that's me at my birthday, very, very anxious.
Yes. Didn't like that at all, did you?
I didn't want... I didn't want the attention, I don't think.
This is me and my childhood best friend, Daisy.
She's obviously come round for a playdate.
And you're reading a book.
And I was in my own little bubble there. Mm.
I'm not paying any attention to anything that was around me. Mm.
Do you remember when I used to feel sick a lot at primary school? Mm.
It's because I was so anxious about going into school
and masking all day in front of these children.
I knew that they weren't real stomach-aches,
and I did go to the GP,
and the GP said, "It's like an abdominal migraine."
"Abdominal migraine." That's what the GP said.
I didn't know you as a child, and I don't really know you now,
of course, but there's a picture developing, isn't there?
And it's not one that needs to be printed on a piece of paper.
Knowing now that I was a little autistic child,
looking at these pictures tells a more in-depth story
than I think we thought at the time.
Here's a difficult question to ask a mother - as a percentage,
how well do you think you know your daughter?
I will say...
..93%.
Very precise. Yes!
I love the precision. I love the three.
I won't ask why the difference between two and three.
That's a very high percentage. Yeah.
OK, Flo, now, you've got to be honest, as an autistic person -
what percentage do you think that your mum knows you?
Probably 70%.
OK. Mm.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's a 23% difference.
There is a bit of a difference, yeah.
How do you feel the chat with your mum went, then?
Mm.
I want to, you know, embark on being more open with her
about what it is like having autism.
But I'm afraid that...
I'm still afraid that she'd be upset or disappointed
if she saw both sides of me, or the whole me.
You don't think the good would outweigh...
I'm not going to say it's bad. ..the other?
I think it probably would.
I think it's just difficult for me to get there.
It felt like, when I was born, I wasn't given the handbook
on being a normal human being, and I hated myself. Mm.
Still something that I struggle with, to be honest.
It's one of the things that gets me up and makes me want to talk
about these sorts of things.
I still feel that there are teenagers,
people in their early 20s, out there in their bedrooms,
beating themselves to death, quite frankly, because there isn't
an option for them in that moment. Mm.
And we've got to say to them, you know, "There is..." Mm.
..and it does continue to get better.
Mm. That's good for me to know, actually.
Yeah. Yeah.
I want to give Flo the confidence to show more of her autistic self,
but I worry about whether she'll be able to let that mask slip.
There's a saying that, if you've met one autistic person,
then you've met one autistic person,
and the next person I'm meeting couldn't be more different from Flo.
OK, so Murray is 20 years old, lives in Oxfordshire.
He's non-speaking.
Now, some people say nonverbal.
The thing is that Murray has never spoken.
Instead, he communicates by typing on a tablet,
which is a slow and tiring process.
The key thing is that, despite not speaking,
Murray desperately wants people to know
what's going on inside his mind.
Because of Murray's communication challenges,
I'm meeting him with his mum, Kerith...
Hello. Hi.
Hi, Kerith.
..and his dad, Radio 2 DJ Ken Bruce.
So, Murray, you have to know there's no pressure in any way, shape,
or form, but we're really keen to understand more about your world.
What do you want to say?
HE LAUGHS
Is it a bit overwhelming?
Sometimes when Murray laughs,
he just finds it all a little bit overwhelming.
Shall we have a go?
Murray is anxious around new people,
has difficulty processing his thoughts,
and is sensitive to sudden noises,
which he uses headphones to try and block out.
He also has apraxia, which affects his fine motor skills.
He can't always get to the letter that he wants immediately.
He needs time, so it can be a very slow process.
Ready to say anything?
He needs a bit of encouragement, just a hand on his shoulder,
make him realise that's the arm to use.
So, Murray, do you want me to play it out?
Yes, please pick a voice for me to speak with,
as autistic people need to be heard in this world.
OK. Well done, Murray. Thank you.
Thank you, Murray.
Murray's response struck me as a little strange,
but then my producer explained that earlier, they'd asked Murray
how he'd feel about having an actor voice his words in the series.
His answer, "Please pick a voice for me," was the most important thing
for him to communicate in this moment.
Going for a wander, Murray?
So Murray's moved over to the other side of the room there.
Yeah.
It's probably just a little bit overwhelming for him.
Just needs a little break every so often,
just to process things, really. Yeah.
Whilst Murray takes some time for himself,
Kerith shares with me some of the things he's written previously
about his autistic experience.
"I would like to speak on behalf of people who have autism
"and for people who have difficulty in speaking.
"Every person with autism should be made welcome to contribute
"to the world as much as those
"who consider themselves intellectually superior."
It's very profound,
and the first thing it illustrates is that he's very intelligent.
Mm. Absolutely.
So this is a pretty clear message.
Yeah, he's not holding back.
And it can be forgotten that just because he can't speak
doesn't mean that... He's got so much going on in his brain,
so much to give and so much to say.
I want to see what Murray's like when he's completely at ease,
a place where he has fun,
so that afternoon, we head to Horses Helping People...
Murray, do you want to go out to the fields?
Do some poo picking?
Do you want to take the barrow?
..a stables where autistic children and teenagers
can spend time caring for animals.
It's lovely to see you, Murray.
When was the last time Murray was here?
About two years ago.
I think we can safely say he's missed coming. Yeah! He has.
Murray has been visiting the stable since the age of five.
Yeah, you get that one, Murray.
I'll get this one over here.
It was great to see Murray arriving here.
He was just like, "Yeah! Let's get going."
Shall we work together on that one?
It's great. It's a great environment to be in.
Can you help me with Commander?
That's it. Over to the arena.
And can you shut the gate for me?
Ken, have you ever been struck by the irony that you essentially
make a living out of talking
whilst the son who you love so much is non-speaking?
Yeah, it has struck me.
It's a cruel irony, and I don't think it's lost on Murray either.
I talk a lot for my work, but because Murray's utterances
on the iPad and keyboard are so few and far between, what he says
has a real power and influence, and each word has to be treasured,
I think.
Murray, do you want to help with the hay?
Put some hay into the rack?
He gets so frustrated, gets so down, not being able to speak.
I think he gets frustrated hearing his siblings chattering away,
and he's often commented that he wishes he could join in,
he wishes he could just say what he feels instantly.
I think he gets really worried about what other people think of him,
and angry as well, and upset, that people still think that,
because he can't speak, he doesn't have anything in his brain.
Sometimes it's because he's heard people talking about him,
so he internalises it and it makes him more and more obsessed.
Chris, I've got something that Murray wrote
about his time down here.
Debbie La-Haye owns and runs the stables,
and has got to know Murray well over the years.
"Sometimes I don't want to ride, but just be in the same area
"as the horses because they breathe understanding into the air,
"and it fills me with warmth and immunity against ignorance.
"The horses are dear souls in an autistic world."
People are going to look at Murray,
and they're going to do what they always do,
which is make a snap judgment,
and they simply won't believe that this has come out of his mind.
Yeah, he gets right to the heart of things.
And if this is inside his head, it makes you wonder what else is there,
doesn't it?
I want to help Murray take his message to the world,
and I'm hoping the film we're going to create together
will do just that, to breathe life into his words
and give him the chance
to be a voice for non-speaking autistic people.
In Salisbury, I'm keen to find out more about the unmasked Flo,
the authentic self she wants to share in her film...
Hello. Hello. How are you doing?
Got a bad back. Have you? So have I.
Do you want to come in?
Hello. Hello.
Duncan. Nice to meet you.
..with the help of her husband, Duncan.
Flo, you said that you were only able to drop your mask completely
in front of Duncan. Yep.
So, Duncan, what's Flo like when the mask is off?
She is very quiet, incredibly self-focused,
and almost dead to the world.
It is very different than what you look like normally, I think.
You've told me I get a sort of glazed over look in my eye,
and that I'll appear to zone out of whatever situation that we're in.
Yeah. Quite often times, that can be fairly innocuous,
and you'll go about whatever you're doing.
Mm-hm. And, you know, I can be in my own little bubble.
For many autistic people, unmasking means going against
years of training yourself to act in a certain way,
years of hiding stigmatised behaviour.
I do occasionally do repetitive movements,
so I might rock back and forth here on the sofa,
and you'll check in with me and go, "Is that a good one or a bad one?"
Because sometimes I'll do it if I'm happy.
My hands tend to creep up here, don't they?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, there's like a... There's this kind of reaction.
Yeah. Must be freaky.
SHE CHUCKLES
This is exactly the kind of behaviour Flo wants to reveal
to her mum, so I'm leaving her and Duncan with a camera
to try and capture these unmasked moments.
Meanwhile...
I'll jump in the back.
..Flo is keen for me to understand just how severe things can get...
I feel like a child being taken out for the day.
We're off to the seaside today, Chris.
Are we nearly there yet? Yeah, nearly.
..so she wants to tell me about an incident that happened
just a few weeks ago.
It was a normal weekday evening, and we needed to go to the shop.
Yeah, I'd just finished work and come home.
We decided 7:00, and that we were going to Tesco's,
so I'm preparing myself for the horrific sensory overload onslaught
that is a big shop.
And it's about probably here in the journey, actually,
on this bit of road, that I realised that
we're not going in the direction that I think we're going in.
In my mind, the closest shop was Sainsbury's, which is just in town.
Um...
And so in my mind, as I was... And you hadn't previously
communicated that you were going to Sainsbury's instead of Tesco's.
No. It was a surprise, basically.
I had forgotten that we had agreed Tesco's.
So you're probably in the dark at this point in time,
at how stressed I am about the whole situation. Yeah.
But I had a lot of thoughts in my head
and words that I wanted to say, and because there were so many,
it was like trying to pass rocks through a filter.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't get it out of my mouth.
Flo was entering what's called a shutdown.
When autistic people experience high levels of sudden anxiety,
it can leave us feeling totally overwhelmed,
unable to process thoughts and unable to speak.
You were saying, "What's going on? What's wrong?"
And I'm thinking...
"Can't you see that I can't communicate with you right now?
"I can't say things to you otherwise I would be."
What did you say? You said something like, "I'll do the shopping,
"I'll be 15 minutes and then we'll get in the car and we'll go home."
Yeah. What's happened subsequently?
Presumably you've been back here to Sainsbury's?
Yeah. Normally I'd stay at home, though.
You tend to avoid coming to big supermarkets. Me too.
I've seen enough of Sainsbury's, actually,
I don't want to go inside it. Why don't we head home?
Let's do it. As far away from the clutter, sound and smells
of a supermarket as possible. Yes, please.
Stressing me out just being in the car park, to be honest.
Autistic people who continuously mask
are thought to be more susceptible to shutdowns,
and for Flo, they're yet another sign that something in her life
needs to change.
Back in Oxfordshire,
I'm spending the day with Murray at another of his favourite haunts,
a local railway museum.
I fear that being non-speaking not only masks his intelligence,
but his personality, too.
There's a brilliant carriage up here, Murray.
It's really, really beautiful, the one at the end.
I haven't been on it yet.
So I want to get to know him better and earn his trust.
Oh, wow. Look at this.
Look at this!
Beautiful. Look.
This is Winston Churchill, Prime Minister in the Second World War.
Sitting in his chair!
CHRIS LAUGHS
Sitting in Winston Churchill's chair.
MURRAY LAUGHS
CHRIS LAUGHS
And there's Winston Churchill's hat there.
Even though our chats are a little one-sided,
I genuinely feel we're building a rapport.
I might do a photo.
Are you able to look round the side?
Right, can you look out round the side like this, Murray?
So like this, I'll go down there and you have a look around the side.
Here you go.
I know. I'm never keen on pictures myself either.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Can you imagine sitting down, listening to a conversation,
and he's there...
..understanding, thinking about,
but can't respond in time.
It would be like some sort of torture, isn't it, really?
Shall we put this down for now?
Not at the moment. OK. OK.
When you're ready.
Oh, well done, thank you. That's brilliant.
Thank you very much. Do you want to say anything?
"Please tell...
"Please tell people that...
"..I really...
"..yearn...to...
"..speak."
MURRAY VOCALISES
You're OK. Murray has begun to tell me
what he wants to express in his film,
but because of how long it takes him to process his thoughts,
I'm going to send him a list of questions over email.
Murray, are you happy for me to send you some emails
so that you can think about the questions?
Would you be happy with that?
Happy with that?
Thanks. That's great. Thank you.
These emails will be used to form a script for Murray's film.
I'm excited to see what he writes.
Whilst I wait for Murray's response, I receive a video from Flo.
She's managed to capture some of her unmasked behaviour,
and I'm eager to watch.
It's brilliant that she's felt brave enough to do this.
Because this is what she's been hiding all of her life.
And this is the sort of behaviour that most autistic people
are...ridiculed for.
The thing is, it's expressionless,
but inside there's just so much going on.
I know what happens when I get like this.
Your head's on fire,
but outside it looks like there's nothing happening.
It's quite... Well, I find it, you know,
it's quite powerful because obviously I relate to it.
Someone in agony. That's what it is.
It's like watching someone who's, at that point in time,
in an enormous amount of distress.
And that's how it's manifesting for Flo.
So it's a bit close to the bone, really.
It's brave of Flo to allow me to see her completely unmasked.
And these clips will play an important part
in the film for her mum.
To expand my own understanding of masking,
I've come to Limpsfield Grange, the only state school in the country
exclusively for autistic girls.
Flo's skill at masking was a key reason
nobody noticed she was autistic until she was an adult.
So I want to ask headteacher Sarah Wild
and Professor Francesca Happe from King's College, London
whether masking might be preventing women and girls
from getting support.
So do you have young women with you who in another state school
might just be seen as a little odd, shy? Obsessive?
Yes, I think that's really common.
I think what autistic girls are really great at
from a very early age is masking.
Do you think girls are better at that than boys?
I think they're more socially motivated.
So friendships and being part of a group
is hugely important to autistic girls.
And they look around, they socially scan, they look at what other people
are doing and then they behave like them,
but they don't really understand where that behaviour comes from,
and doing that is exhausting.
But also, if they're doing that successfully then that would
also mean...they wouldn't even approach the diagnosis. No.
They wouldn't get that far because teachers, friends,
maybe even family wouldn't recognise it. That's it.
Francesca, historically, there was always the thought
that there were more autistic men than women.
Yes. 20, 30 years ago, the thought was
that there were maybe ten times as many males as females.
Now the research has taken off to recognise
we're underdiagnosing autism in women and girls,
and a very recent study suggests
it might be coming closer to two to one.
If that's the case, and it is not ten to one,
but it's two to one, that means there's an enormous number
of undiagnosed women compared to men.
There might be 35,000 women and girls who are walking around
who would warrant a diagnosis but haven't got it.
And we don't know, of course, what's going on with them -
whether they're flying under the radar happily
or whether they're really, really struggling. Yeah.
We need to fight this bias that autism is somehow
just about boys and men and think, "Could this be autism?"
when we see a girl or woman struggling socially. Yes.
I think the repercussions are huge.
The girls that come to us can identify, even being seven, eight,
feeling really different, feeling really isolated,
feeling really lonely.
LAUGHTER
At this school, the students are encouraged to unmask
and show their true feelings, which can be a challenge
after years of feeling a need to conform.
Animal-lover Eva was diagnosed aged ten,
after struggling at her mainstream primary.
Are you happy with the goats where they are, Eva?
Yeah, I love goats.
I used to get picked on,
and the teachers just didn't understand me.
How would you describe yourself at that point?
Isolated.
Confused.
Wanting to have friends.
And can you contrast that with the time that you've spent
here at Limpsfield?
I would say...friends.
A driving burn to be successful.
One of the benefits of going to the school is that you can learn
how to fit in with society.
You get to learn society's unwritten rules.
Daisy has also excelled since moving here.
Did you go to mainstream school before? Yes. And?
That was an experience
that I don't think anyone would want to go through.
Yeah, I just got picked on, to be fair.
And when you moved here, things got better?
Oh, things have got way better.
I actually have learned something, actually got the help that I needed.
SARAH WILD: Ultimately, I'm very aware of
the long-term mental-health toll
of trying to fit in, of blending, of camouflaging.
We do know from population-based studies that about 70%
of children and adults who are autistic
will have at least one mental health condition.
So anxiety and depression are very common.
ADHD is also common, and sadly suicide is greatly increased,
and autistic women without intellectual disability
are the most at risk. And the figure is an eight-fold risk
above the general population for suicide.
So intelligent autistic women are eight times more likely
to commit suicide? Yes. Yeah.
It's quite staggering, isn't it? And tragic, obviously.
SIGHS
These sobering statistics underline the huge mental health toll
placed on autistic women by the wider world,
and I'm leaving here with a much better understanding
of why it's crucial for Flo to unmask.
I'm back on the day job, filming Springwatch in Norfolk...
..when I start receiving script ideas for Murray.
So I asked, "If you had all the world stage
"to speak for non-speaking autistic people, what would you say?"
He's replied, "Really listen to me and take note,
"as I am really speaking from my heart.
"I plead with you to please understand and open your minds."
Wow.
"Let me tell you what it was like for me
"before I could communicate through typing."
"I was alone in my world of deep and troubled pining
"for a person to hear me."
"I would wonder if that day would ever come.
"I was frustrated and pining for acknowledgement
"that I had thoughts and opinions and worries,
"and no-one could hear me."
I mean, frankly,
this is enough to bring a tear to your eye, isn't it?
I don't know whether it's because I have some...
..form of affinity for Murray, but I find that incredibly touching
and, you know, and even a bit sentimental.
I'm not normally sentimental about such things.
For a non-speaking autistic person to have Murray's intellect
and the ability to type is actually quite rare.
More often, if an autistic person has no speech at all,
it's because they also have a severe learning disability.
DOOR OPENS
Hello! Hi, Chris. Jason. How you doing?
I'm very well, yes. Nice to meet you.
Here at Freedom Active, a day centre in Leicestershire,
Jason Kinch and his team make it their mission
to connect with every autistic adult who comes here,
whatever their support needs.
We've got our family tree over here.
All the people that attend our service over the week,
they come, they live at home or in supported living,
and learn life skills and do activities throughout the day.
Marky has a complex communication disorder,
and whilst his support workers
believe he has a good understanding of the world,
he's unable to tell us what he's thinking.
Hello, Marky. How are you? What are you up to?
They've been using picture cards to try and make a connection.
Marky, can you give me the bear?
Because he understands the word and the picture,
but sometimes he... He can't vocalise it.
He has to process a lot of things.
Get me the bear. Bear.
Bear. That's it, well done!
High five.
Whilst I'll never be able to have a conversation with Marky,
I still want to communicate with him in whatever way I can.
Can I have the tiger, please, Marky?
Thank you.
High five! There we are.
Fantastic.
Siberian tiger.
Thank you, Marky.
26-year-old James uses an electronic talker
to make his feelings known to support worker Zonya.
He will prompt us with how he's feeling.
Routine.
JAMES THROUGH TALKER: Happy. So he's telling you he's happy.
So...
Zonya is happy.
This is happy face. Yeah.
So it's got an electronic chip underneath the Velcro,
if you can just see that. Yeah.
Coming here is a good reminder that speech,
whilst fast and flexible,
isn't the only means of communication.
Typing, signing, cards and gestures all have a role to play.
We learn 20 people's different languages,
so once we understand them all, then it makes our job easier.
Little things make a difference to us.
You know, we had the team in tears
over somebody saying their name for the first time
because it's a real big, massive moment.
It's clearly a great place where there's an enormous amount
of effort and endeavour going into making sure
that for this part of their lives,
the people who visit here are enriched.
LAUGHS
Yeah.
And at the same time, it's just...
I don't know.
You just think, wouldn't it be great if everyone had a USB port
and you could just stick something in and then read their minds?
All right, Shaun.
My visit has reminded me how crucial it is
that we try to understand the experiences
of every autistic person.
My hope is that Murray can act as a bridge
to the non-speaking community - that his film will allow us
a glimpse of a world without words...
Thank you, Jason. You're welcome. Nice to meet you.
Thank you. Bye-bye. Take care.
..and help us understand more
about those unable to speak for themselves.
Murray is keen that we find an actor to speak his words in the film
rather than using the computerised voice of his tablet.
So I've asked four voiceover artists,
all of whom are autistic themselves,
to record a short script he's written.
It's up to Murray to pick his favourite.
Right. So shall we have a listen to this?
The voice that best represents him.
This is voice number one. OK? Number one.
I am an autistic person.
I'm a person who wants to be accepted.
I am an autistic person.
Nonverbal people are pleasing to be around.
They sense the world in a literally deeper way than those who can talk.
We are deep thinkers and we are people-watchers.
OK. Excellent.
So, Murray, any of those similar to yourself?
Which number do you think is the voice that sounds most like you?
Number two? Let's turn the card over, Murray.
Turn the card over.
Ah, Harrison! So Harrison's going to be your voice.
Why did you think it was mostly like you?
I...space...F-E-E...
I feel...
..H-A-P-P-Y.
I feel happy.
I feel happy that I will be...
I feel happy that I will be heard as a normal...M-A...N.
As a normal man. Well done.
That's lovely, Murray.
You've got a voice! Yeah?
INDISTINCT INSTRUCTIONS
Meanwhile, Flo has started work on her film,
which will help her open up to her mum.
I've suggested she describes her experiences
in the form of a letter
which my camera crew will film her performing.
To my mum. I knew from a very young age
that I was different. We both did.
That's as far as I can remember. Sorry. That's perfect.
I think I'd like for her to know that I am a silent person.
It would be good for her to see the times that I'm not OK.
It would save me a lot of exhaustion if I could just be...
..authentically me, unmasked.
Footage recorded, the animation team get to work.
We're using computer graphics to represent
everything going through Flo's head during a conversation -
everything her mum doesn't see.
Every detail has to be true to Flo's experience.
The text is even based on her handwriting.
Great. Hey. Hi. This is Harrison.
In a professional recording studio,
Murray's script is read by his chosen voiceover artist,
Harrison.
So how are you with eye contact?
It fluctuates. OK. So, very often,
I don't notice that I'm making eye contact,
and when I do notice it, it's really hard.
Well, you don't have to make eye contact.
I can look over there? Yeah, look at... Yeah. Look over my...
Look at that speaker... OK. ..and tell the speaker the line.
I have no voice, but yearn to say so much.
If you are willing to listen, I will try to say how I feel.
I like that. Straight onto box nine.
Walk in from the side, here.
Just look straight ahead.
That's really good. Well done.
Words complete - on to the pictures.
Can you stand up for me?
Inspired by the photos I took in the Railway Museum,
I've asked award-winning photographer Richard Ansett
to capture Murray in a series of portraits.
Other way. Facing the camera - that way.
That's brilliant. That is good.
And look straight there.
These photos will be incorporated into an animation
to bring his words to life.
Do you think it's gone well?
Do you think we've got everything we needed?
I think... I think it's good, right?
Thank you.
Ken and Kerith explained that for Murray,
a tap to the chest is a sign of acceptance.
Good. Very good.
Joe?
Murray is a big fan of the theatre,
so the animators are combining origami animals, stop-motion and CGI
to create a fantastical show,
which we hope will reflect Murray's vibrant interior world.
The day of Flo's screening has arrived.
I'm back at the pub where I first saw her perform.
But today there'll only be one person in the audience.
Her mum.
Hello, Flo. Hello.
Should we go through the mandatory, "How are you?"
I'll answer with, "I'm fine," even though it might not be true,
and I'll ask you, "How are you?"
And I'll say, "I'm fine," even though I'm not.
And we might as well just gloss over what I'm not fine about
to get on with the business. Suits me. Excellent.
Big day.
It is a big day.
I'm quite nervous.
I've seen my film and I love it.
I think it's great. I...
The nervousness comes in that... that Mum is going to see it
and I don't know how she'll react and I don't know if she'll be sad.
Aah!
Your mum's a great person.
I met her. She loves you so much. I know.
I know it's going to be a shock for her,
and I know there will be difficulties.
But ultimately, I think one of the reasons why you've chosen to do it
is you sense a piece of indestructibility
in that relationship because you are close,
you're both bright and, you know...
And you want this. Yes.
Shall we...? Well, I'm going to go and show it to your mum.
Yeah. I might hide. Yeah, well, hide for the moment. Yeah.
Hello, Ruth.
Hi, Chris. Hi.
How are you feeling?
OK.
Yeah, yeah.
Flo's a bit nervous. Yeah, I'm a bit nervous.
I don't know what I'm going to be seeing.
What Flo hopes you're going to see is a little bit
that you haven't seen before. OK.
Yeah, I'm going to put my glasses on. I'm properly ready.
OK. OK. Let's roll the movie.
To my mum.
I knew from a very young age that I was different.
We both did.
The way I'd sort my toys,
that I'd insist on different plates for different foods.
Birthday parties made me anxious.
And by the time I was four years old,
I became so sure that if I didn't hide my differences,
people wouldn't like me.
So I became a version of myself
I thought those around me would accept.
I became a mimic.
Copying other people, imitating normal behaviour,
and suppressing anything weird.
For most people, these rules come naturally, automatically.
Their faces match their voices match their feelings.
But I had to think about every little thing.
In the end, I put so much effort into this mask of normality
that nobody could even tell that I had one.
When you're autistic, masking, camouflaging,
it's a survival strategy.
It's to avoid judgment or avoid bullying.
It's a way to fit in to the non-autistic world.
I have masked with everybody in my life.
Including you, Mum.
I wanted to be the perfect child.
I wanted to make you proud.
But now I'm tired.
It's exhausting, pretending to be normal all the time.
SIGHS
I'm beginning to think
it might be time to embrace my authentic self,
to show you the things you don't normally see.
But I'm scared.
I'm worried that if I'm quiet and still,
or my face doesn't match my feelings,
then you'll think that I'm being rude.
I'm worried that if you see me rocking back and forth
or flapping my hands, then you'll think that I'm not OK.
And I'm worried that if you see me silent, unable to speak,
you'll think that I need fixing.
It might not come easily for me straight away,
but I'm ready to be myself.
I hope you won't be disappointed.
I love you always.
Your daughter, Flo.
I find it hard that she said that if she was...
..that she needs to be the perfect child,
otherwise nobody would love her.
I love her for all of the things that she is.
I wish she didn't feel like that when she was a child.
And of course she can be herself.
Let me...
Let me go and get her.
Yeah.
OK? Yeah.
Hello.
Hiya.
I love you. I love you.
Er...
Well, now I'm going to cry as well.
But you're OK?
I am OK. Bit sad?
I'm sad because I want to scoop up the five-year-old you. Mm-hm.
Me too. And say it's OK. Yeah?
And if we could turn the clock back and I knew what I know today,
it would be...
Maybe I would have been able to give you some reassurance about...
"It's OK. It's absolutely OK." You know. Yeah.
All through my childhood and my teenage life
and my adult life, you've been so accepting...
I'm going to cry. ..of everything that I am.
Because you're lovely! I'm all right!
But, like... It's...
It's scary being different.
It wasn't anything about you.
It was the world, really.
But I...
Please, you know, you don't have to mask in front of me any more.
That's why I wanted this video for you,
I wanted this film to tell you that.
But it's been really hard to go, "I've always been kind of acting."
Yeah. Didn't expect to get snotty.
I know. Do you want a tissue? Is it a clean one?
Yes, I've got a new one. Thank you.
Have you got an entire microfibre cloth?
THEY LAUGH For emergencies?
They're for cleaning my glasses, cos they get so dirty.
Our mission, and my determined mission here
is that each of our participants,
Flo in this instance, would reach a point
where something meaningful changes for them in their lives.
And here, she is almost striking a vow to allow herself to unmask,
certainly at the outset for her mother.
But then she said, you know, "I want to be able to do this at work.
"I want to be able to do this socially.
"I want to be able to do this whenever."
I see Flo's film as the blue touchpaper.
And I hope that, you know, this afternoon it's been lit,
and from that there'll be a fizzy, fantastic firework
and her life will be better.
Ohh. I love you. I love you.
Very much. Well done. Thank you.
Murray's film is also ready to share with the world,
so I'm back at Horses Helping People.
Do you want to come and see the party barn?
Go on. The party barn? Everyone's getting ready.
Debbie has been busy preparing the stables for the screening,
but there's still a few last-minute jobs.
Not a great fan of bunting, if you really want to know.
Unnecessary decorative frippery.
But I'll go with the bunting today.
I'm slightly worried tonight.
It's going to be very challenging for Murray.
I'm not sure that he's going to have the time to process
what he might want to say about it by typing.
So we've got to go into it with very different expectations
and think, this is about the bigger picture.
Non-speaking autistic people finally having a voice to say something
and Murray acting as their ambassador.
Hi, Murray. How's everyone feeling?
Yeah, excited, I think. And Murray? Excited?
Yeah, I think we can say that. Yeah!
We've got some comfy bales. Lovely!
We've got blankets so you don't get itchy bottoms.
So come and join us.
Alongside Murray's parents are his brother Charlie,
sister Verity and cousins Sarah and Louise.
Also in the audience are several close family friends
and a very special guest.
Thanks for giving up the time to come. No worries at all.
It's an absolute pleasure.
Right, everyone, I'm really pleased to introduce Harrison.
Oh, hello! Hi, Harrison. Hi.
Young man that Murray very carefully chose to be the voice.
Look, join us. Have a seat. Thank you.
Every single word in this film
comes with a cost that most of us can't imagine.
And so it's extremely precious and very, very poignant.
I can detect the air of anticipation.
LAUGHTER
Let's roll the movie.
I am an autistic person.
It is obvious when you see me.
I have no voice, but yearn to say so much.
If you are willing to listen, I will try to say how I feel.
I live in a total blur of information.
If I have too many people in a room at one time and one place,
it is too overwhelming for me to have to process.
BLUR OF NOISE
I have to jiggle my brain to make it settle.
It's just how I cope.
Water takes my pain away because it allows me to lose myself
in a place that asks no questions of my abilities.
Every drop lets me be me.
Before I could communicate through typing,
I remember that I was frustrated by people who were kind,
but didn't know my brain was as good as people who can speak.
I remember being told that I liked the Teletubbies, which I did,
but I wanted to move on, and was desperate to read books for my age.
Now I have the chance to speak up for people like me.
ECHOING: I'm speaking from my heart.
Nonverbal people are pleasing to be around
because we sense the world in a deeper way than those who talk.
Because we cannot express our emotions instantly,
we become deep thinkers. People-watchers.
We have the same dreams as everyone else,
so please don't treat us differently.
Each of us is a star,
eager to be discovered and named in the atmosphere.
If you acknowledge our abilities, we can shine brighter.
We have so much to say.
Please hear us.
APPLAUSE
Murray!
It's brilliant.
Murray, well done.
I'm so proud of you. It's brilliant.
Wow. Murray, perhaps if you have some thoughts,
you could let us know.
That...
..was...
..awesome, and Harrison is perfect.
I think we're all better people for knowing Murray.
He's made such a big difference to all our lives.
We can actually understand how deeply he thinks about things.
We've been very privileged to be part of his life.
His whole experience is expressed there in just a few minutes.
It's... It's wonderful. Wonderful.
That just sums up everything about Murray, and it's just lovely
to be telling us how his world is.
And his voice, the actual, like, words
that he said... and, like, I'm like...
LAUGHTER
One thing that really hit me hard
was right at the end where Murray said, "Hear us."
I think it's up to all of us to actually start listening
in a way that may take us outside our comfort zone.
Yeah.
All right, Murray?
LAUGHTER
I can't think of another occasion where I've seen and heard
a non-speaking autistic person
issuing such a clear and honest plea.
And I found the whole process quite emotional.
MURRAY THROUGH TABLET: I am happy...
..that the world...
..can see...
..the real me.
I just think you can't have listened to his words, seen that film,
and then ever look at an autistic person like Murray
and jump to those conclusions
which are so damaging and hurtful and harmful.
That makes me feel good.
Next time...
# Every time I rap
# I bring something different to the table... #
..I help a rapper explain how noise is ruining his life...
My heroes are in here.
..and a footie fan call time on hiding his reliance on routine.
Discover more about autistic minds and the innovations being used
by autistic people in their daily lives.
Go to bbc.co.uk/autism and follow the links
to the Open University.
I don't like coming in this room.
You see... I moved here a couple of years ago, which meant
that I had to take my library to pieces.
So I've had all of these shelves built
to get it up and running again.
But that's a massive challenge, because it means I've got to deal
with something which my type of autistic experience
doesn't welcome - change.
It's just not... It's not going to work, is it?
It's not going to live there, is it? A book on nightjars.
That's not it, is it? Well, it's not now.
I'm very self-conscious of the fact that you might be thinking,
"Just get a grip,
"put the books in order of subject and get them on the shelves, man."
Change is disastrous.
For me, change becomes difficult because it represents
a loss of control.
I'm not in control of this situation.
I've lost control of my library.
But this is somewhere where I need to be totally comfortable enough,
to be confident enough to be able to be my real self.
And my real self is autistic.
In 2017, I first shared my autism diagnosis on television.
These foxes in her back garden...
Since then, I've been astonished by the thousands of letters
and emails I've received from other autistic people.
Some telling me the programme had helped them connect
with the people around them, but others telling me they're lonely,
miserable, even suicidal, because they feel the world
doesn't understand them.
For me, these letters reveal a hidden crisis, because estimates
suggest there could be as many as 700,000 autistic people in the UK.
And I think that the wider world still doesn't really understand
what it means to be autistic.
And this is a problem for those of us who already
feel excluded, different.
Like we don't fit in.
In this series, I want to do something about it.
Working with top film-makers, graphic designers,
animators and musicians,
I'm giving four autistic people the chance to bring their experiences
to life, by creating short films that reveal to their friends
and families how they are really feeling inside.
Flo and Murray have already shared their films. To my mum...
This time it's the turn of Anton and Ethan to bring their experiences
to the screen... Sometimes I can't cope at all.
..and give us all a better understanding
of their autistic minds.
For much of my early life, I felt completely misunderstood.
Like no-one knew what was going on inside my head,
how different my world was.
If I can now change that for just one person,
then my work here will be done.
For me, being autistic isn't some kind of weakness.
There's nothing wrong with autistic people,
we're just different.
But those differences in how we think, in how we communicate
and in how we process the world, can make life a real challenge.
As it is for the next person I'm meeting, Anton.
He's 26 years old.
He lives with his fiancee, Sophie.
They're getting married later this year.
Can I do that with you? "Sophie, I love you!"
You did do that in Turkey,
when you proposed in the middle of the street.
I didn't shout it.
He was diagnosed as autistic when he was four years old.
Frequent meltdowns in supermarkets.
Nothing surprising to me there.
I remember those with vivid clarity, I'm afraid.
Anton's a huge Middlesbrough fan and a trance DJ.
He's obsessive about timings and routine, planning every moment
in his day down to the last second.
He works hard to disguise his autistic traits in order to fit in,
meaning that most of his friends have no idea
what's going on inside his head.
So, my mission is to try and find a means for Anton to articulate
what his life is like, to be able to explain to his friends why routine
is so important to him
and why he gets so upset when plans change last minute.
Thank you.
I'm looking forward to meeting Anton.
I suspect we've got a lot in common.
Hello, there. Hello, Anton. You all right? Nice to meet you.
Pop on in. All right. Thank you.
See you've got your bird feeder out.
Yeah. We're a big fan of birds.
Beyond birds, I know we've got a shared interest in music.
I'm a record collector, so...
Vinyl? Yeah.
I've got about 2,500 punk singles.
Oh, right. Question is, how do you organise your vinyl?
Alphabetical order and artist. Right.
Would you be absolutely able to guarantee that there
wouldn't be one out of place?
Yeah. If they're out of order, is that distressing?
Yeah, yeah. I can't...
settle. I can't watch the telly.
I can't go and listen to my music. Right.
I wouldn't be able to listen to it and enjoy it.
Come on, then. I can't wait to see his vinyl collection.
It's always an eye-opener. Go on. Go on.
It's common for autistic people to have special interests
and these can be obsessive.
Organising our collections is often a source of comfort,
a way to help us feel in control.
Look at this. Proper set-up. Double deck.
Go on, then. Talk me through it.
Right. So, house, A to Z.
And then all of this is trance.
That's my main focus, is the trance.
Go on, then, you'd better put one on. Trance favourite.
Well, for me it would have to be...
MUSIC PLAYS
What is it about trance music, then?
It's... it's happy music.
It's a genre that really, like, just gets you moving
and I like the sound of it.
It's got a very particular beat, hasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it's the predictability.
I quite like electronic music, but one of the things
I like about it is the repetitious nature of it. Yeah, yeah.
What I don't like is ambient music.
I have to listen to it completely.
If I'm immersed in it, then the rest of the world ceases to exist.
So I use it sort of for blocking things out.
Aye, snap. Same. Same? Yeah.
I literally just put it on, whack it up and just sort of sit back
and just... and just listen to it and let the sort of
emotions run and get the better of me.
It drifts me away from any problems I've had in the day
and it just brings me back to zero again, if you like.
It's the one thing in life that I've always been grateful for,
is just music in general.
The other way Anton keeps himself calm is by controlling his routine.
I go off timings. Like, I have two alarms in the morning,
I have 6.10 in the morning, and then my last one is 6.23.
I've done that every single working day.
Is the precision of that timing down to the next thing you have to do,
the next thing you have to do?
Is it a series of boxes that have to be ticked?
Well, it depends on the situation,
but you've pretty much nailed it on the head there.
I can't leave a box unticked.
When I got my new job, I actually timed, using a stopwatch, how long
it took me to get out of bed, walk to my uniform, put the uniform on
and brush my teeth, and then walk down the stairs.
I timed that. Right.
As soon as I reach that last step there, it's bang-on half past six.
And I want it to work. You know, it can't go out of place.
It can't. What happens if it does? I started working,
I would take the day off, because I've left the door two minutes over
the time I should have left the door.
I would often just stand in the street and...
my chest would feel like it's closing up
and tears would just start rolling.
OK, that's then. What about now?
The last time this happened,
I left the door a minute and a half late and I'd get a sort of
blurred vision going on, my chest started tightening up
and I sort of have to sort of, like, pat myself on the chest
and I sort of, like, rub my eyes and I just run.
And as soon as I get to the bus station, I have to go into
the toilets, and that's it, I have a big blowout.
A few tears here and there and... I imagine people might think,
"Really, does it matter?" Well, that's the problem today, isn't it?
I know. I have routines, but I'm not as rigid as you are.
But I am far more rigid about visual things. Yeah.
Anything changes in that visual environment, even if I'm walking
through the woods I walk through every day and a branch has blown off the tree,
the environment has changed so vividly
that it's visually quite upsetting.
I have to stand there and look at it and I have to think,
"OK, now I've got to get used to this whole wood looking different
"because that branch is lying on the ground and I'm not going to put it
"back on the tree, it's going to be lying on the ground forever now."
So what I do in my own space, where the wind doesn't blow,
is nothing moves and nothing changes.
You don't realise how much it means to me to hear that this goes on
in other people's worlds as well.
It's such a struggle because I think one thing that I've really
been frustrated about for years on end, to this day, is trying
to be something I'm not.
So I try my best to fit in with the people, just so I don't
make myself very obvious.
So I'd say the majority of me mates don't have a clue.
And it's hard because sometimes I want to be...
myself and do the things that I would do in front of people,
but...for years,
I've, I've... I'm proud of myself that I don't express
that in front of other people,
otherwise they would see the real autistic me.
But you weren't ever embarrassed about being autistic,
were you?
You know what?
As much as it pains me to say this...
there was a time where I would be.
I like Anton very much.
It was joyous to be able to talk to someone who had the same
experiences or is still having the same experiences with.
It always makes you feel less lonely and less remote,
and I think that's one of the problems that we face,
is that we feel isolated and sometimes we make ourselves feel
isolated because we do persecute ourselves for those things
that we see are "our fault", as it were.
I fear that by hiding aspects of being autistic, Anton is creating
a barrier between himself and the non-autistic people
in his life.
I hope the film we make together will help bridge that gap.
While Anton disguises his autistic traits in everyday life, the next
person I'm meeting is far less confident in social situations,
and his hypersensitivity to noise is causing him to withdraw
from the world.
Ethan's 19, studying games development.
Goes to college - it's the only time he leaves home.
Wow.
Home for Ethan is Essex, where he lives with his mum, dad
and younger sister.
He finds communication difficult.
He avoids socialising, preferring to stay at home writing music.
Yeah, I think that's better. What do you think? Yeah, sounds right.
Yeah, sounds a little bit better.
I remember being 19.
Couldn't talk to anyone and integrate with anyone.
So, I did feel somewhat imprisoned.
I suppose the deepest part of my sympathy lies with people
of Ethan's age, simply because of my own life experience.
Also, it's a time when there's enormous social pressure.
It's a really tough time for young people.
Ethan has distanced himself from his classmates
and he barely speaks to them.
He'd like to tell his peers what his autistic mind looks like,
because they think he's the quiet kid in the corner
with the headphones on.
I want to see for myself what college life is like for Ethan.
Hello, Ethan. How are you?
Yeah, I think I'm OK.
How about you? Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
Shall we go in, Ethan? Yes. You lead the way. OK.
Ethan was diagnosed as autistic aged four, after his parents
noticed his speech was delayed and he wasn't interacting
with others.
After you. Thank you very much.
For most of his childhood,
he attended a school for autistic children.
But since moving here, he's become increasingly isolated.
This is where my classroom is.
This is where I sit, at the back of the class...
just working.
And this is a part of my project here.
I need my glasses for this.
"Chaos Control."
"Reimagined soundtrack for Sonic Adventure 2."
Sonic? Is that the hedgehog? Yes. Right.
I'm noticing that Ethan is avoiding eye contact,
a very common autistic trait.
For some of us, it can be physically uncomfortable, even painful.
How do you find this environment?
At times noisy. In here? At times.
But I just put on my headphones and just make sure that I'm working.
OK. So it's not that you don't like people sat next to you, it's just
you don't like the noise that the people sat next to you make. Yes.
Because you are in your own zone here, aren't you? Yes.
I can't focus, like, with the noise around me. OK.
Ethan's hypersensitivity to noise means that even everyday spaces
like this classroom can feel unbearably loud.
STUDENTS CHATTER
Just makes me feel less confident in myself to actually do some work,
in a sense. OK.
So is it purely about work focus or does it make you uncomfortable
and anxious about other aspects of your environment?
Other aspects, really and truly.
Right.
I'm interested that Ethan has chosen to sit as far away from everyone
else as he possibly can.
I'm not judging him, by the way, because that was me!
That was what I did.
When I was at university,
I would always sit at the front of the lecture theatre because none
of my fellow students wanted to sit under the direct glare
of the lecturers.
And with the benefit of hindsight, I think that that was a profound
lack of confidence.
I thought they were sorted and I was broken and, therefore,
the only thing I could do was to be in MY world
where I was in control.
I want to ask Ethan about these things,
but I'm not entirely sure that this is the place to do it.
This is the most difficult part of his world.
I don't want to smash up his comfort zone
and that's what he's tried to establish here, so that he can do
what he essentially needs to do, which is learn.
I hope he might be more comfortable talking to me back at home.
Welcome to my humble abode. Thank you very much. You're welcome.
There's my bedroom.
This is where the creativity happens.
Where the creativity comes. Yes.
Have you always been into music? Yes. Since I was very young.
Like, listening to it at first, then deciding to write my own
as I got a little bit older.
OK. Give me a blast of something that you've recorded.
Give me a minute... OK. ..we'll have something.
MUSIC PLAYS
Autistic people who struggle with social communication often find
it easier to express themselves through music, poetry or art,
but nothing could have prepared me for Ethan's performance.
RAPS: # Being focused and I think no more
# Let's turn to write the beats
# And it's better than having to risk my life for the streets
# If I can talk about my life All I need is a mic and a beat
# But all the banter, laughter and craziness is what gets to me
# Other unnecessary sounds all inflict damage
# Like I'm in the ring with Anthony
# Being autistic and dealing with that
# Has never been sweet like candy
# Yeah. #
See, I think, you say so much.
All of the things that you do and don't want are all there.
Yes. Very clearly expressed.
It's really interesting that you can be so completely
expressive with such clarity.
Just raw emotions is what I truly express.
It's fantastic. How often do you write a song?
Every day. Every day? Yes.
It's a part of my routine to, like, help me.
And what do you think that the other students in your classes would make
of this when they heard it? I mean, do you think they might be surprised
that you've... you're saying so much here, so intensely? Yeah.
But normally you don't spend much time communicating with them.
They would be surprised.
I think they would, wouldn't they? Yes.
Did you have "conventional" friends at school?
People that you'd talk to?
Yes. But that's gone now.
Doesn't happen as much.
Do you miss that?
Er, yes.
# Hearing many people just speak Laugh and scream these days... #
I hope making a film together will help Ethan to connect
with his classmates and reveal the rapper within.
# ..I don't want to hear people go chat, yeah. #
But before we get started, I want to know what his mum, Pershie,
thinks about his current social isolation.
I've just been listening to Ethan's music.
OK. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.
He said to me that he used to go out,
he used to have people who were more like conventional friends.
Yes. When did that change?
I'd say when he started college.
He started getting very, very anxious when he started college.
So he went from being Mr Popular to college where no-one knew him.
So I think that made him really sad.
But before then, him and his friends would go out,
he'd do stuff. He was thinking, "I'm not king of the castle
"like I was. At college, no-one knows me."
In his world, he's not lonely, but in my world, he looks lonely.
Are you worried about him?
I mean, in the long-term. I am. I am,
because I think, "What's going to happen to him when I'm gone?
"And what happens after uni?"
But he's staying here. Yes. Yes.
Because he's not ready to go on his own.
He would rather just stay at home, make his music and just crash.
Maybe one day be in a relationship, have meaningful friends and...
..have fun. SHE LAUGHS
What did you do?
We didn't do that much work today.
What? At school?
THEY LAUGH Wow!
Never say that to your mum and dad. That's the worst thing you can say!
It strikes me that if Ethan's classmates understood
how he experiences the world, why he's always hiding
in his headphones, it might make it easier for him to make friends
and give him the strength he needs to step out into the world.
I hope I can help him bridge this gap, but I am worried
that he's going to find it difficult to open up.
Is this the house you grew up in? Yeah, yeah.
As the saying goes, mums know best. So here in Middlesbrough...
Hello!
..I'm meeting the person who best understands
how being autistic affects Anton - his mum, Nicola.
So, Nicola, I've come to ask you about what Anton
was like when he was a younger person. Yeah.
I mean, we used to have a lot of problems with change.
For example, I had my hair colour changed once
and he just went berserk.
He was attacking me, pulling my hair.
I had to quickly dye it back, you know, so he couldn't take change
and he couldn't take visual change.
Anton! Jump in the water.
25% of autistic boys are diagnosed before the age of six.
Anton's challenging behaviour led to him
being diagnosed aged four.
REPETITIVE BEATS Turn it off!
When I was a kid, there were certain environments that were absolutely
sort of incendiary, really.
They were total no-go zones, and supermarkets was one of them.
I remember my mother being really excited about
the "first supermarket", but it was like the "first hell" for me.
And so, she would love to go there and it was a disaster.
Back in 2000, there was a new supermarket
and it was just too much for him.
He just took everything off all one side of the whole aisle.
He was screaming, he was crying, he was holding his head
and to everybody around him...
I remember that, I remember the...
the look of horror on everybody's face
and sometimes, you know, even disgust, you know, "What the heck?"
It was a mixture of embarrassment,
scared, you know, at what he was doing.
I just had to get out and it was just, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
I was really sorry to everybody. I was trying to pick things up.
Things were flying around all over the place
and in the end, I just didn't go back.
Looking back on it now, you feel guilty because you think,
"Oh, God," you know?
What, what must he have felt like, you know, to...
to have had to feel that way? And it's awful.
When did things start to get better?
Things got better,
I would say, probably maybe one year later.
I began to understand
the autistic spectrum and I did a little bit of voluntary work
within the school as well, you know, with the other children.
And I found strategies of dealing with it. There doesn't seem
to be any ambiguity about the fact that your desire to address
the issues and problems have proved to be absolutely essential
in getting him where he is today.
But he's still struggling to this day
and this is the strange thing,
I changed my cupboards around -
this is my house, my stuff, and I did get rid of a lot of stuff.
And when he visited, he went, "Oh, no, I don't like this. What's this?"
And he was going from, and he said, "I can't cope with this,"
and he had to come out.
He said, "I don't want to go in there now."
So I do worry for his future and I worry, you know, for his partner.
I hope that she can manage.
How are you doing?
Not too bad.
It's always a bit cringeworthy
listening to your mum talking about you.
Yeah, distressing hearing about her, distressed really.
I'm more bothered about the feelings and the distress caused.
Like, I feel, I feel bad.
That's sort of like the world I'm in now at the moment.
There's that, like, I can't help but try and balance to...
keep them people happy and...
But also, at the same time, explain what's
going on and how I feel about it.
While his family and fiancee know the real Anton,
not everyone does.
And the people he most wants to get
through to are his five-a-side football mates.
Ooh-ho-ho!
What do they say? The boy done good.
I'm not very good on football parlance.
That's it, Al!
I'm keen to know what Anton has shared about being autistic
with his team-mates, Alan and Ant.
Did you know that Anton was autistic before he told you?
No, not really. No. Not a clue, no.
Did you sense there was anything different about him, though?
Sometimes there's a little bit of social awkwardness,
some things he does,
but I've never put a stamp on him because of that.
So were you surprised, then? Yeah, I was very surprised, yeah.
Because, obviously, I have a brother that's autistic and he's quite,
quite wild. And he's down-to-earth and nothing different about him.
Just seems like a normal, genuine guy.
And has he been able to tell you what his life's
like in terms of it being a bit different than most people's?
No, not really. I mean, he comes to football like the rest of us.
He has a partner like most of us.
And he has his own home like the majority of us.
So, no, not really.
There's nothing really different about him as far as I can see.
I'm reassured his friends are so supportive and I hope they'll feel
the same when Anton reveals his struggles with routine and change.
He's made such phenomenal progress.
He just needs to be able to move that next step to communicate
everything to these people around him - how he feels,
how he interprets the world.
And I just think that if he can just take that up a level,
he's going to make real progress.
Since our last meeting, Ethan has been busy
channelling his feelings about sensory overload
into a new track. # Every time I rap
# I bring something different to the table... #
And I've booked a professional recording studio so he can lay
down the lyrics.
# ..Sounds of conversation would be one of them
# Sounds of footsteps would be another
# Sounds of dogs will be one of them
# Sounds of crying will be another Especially tears from babies... #
This new track will form the basis of the film
we'll show to his friends.
I hope that when people watch the film, it'll help them understand
that it's OK to be different, it's OK to not
have, like, the brightest presence in the room.
With the help of designer Chaz Golding, we're going to turn
Ethan's words into the ultimate music video.
Chaz has created dramatic visuals for artists from Kanye West
to Rita Ora.
Hi, Ethan. I'm Chaz. How are you doing? You all right?
I want him to give Ethan the same A-list treatment to show visually
how the chaos of college makes him feel.
So I thought what might be nice is if we got a sketchbook out
and then you can maybe scribble down some thoughts.
Yes, definitely. OK. Great.
If you imagine that this is the start of your journey
into college, this is you in the classroom
and this is your journey between the two dots.
So, at what point during that journey is the most kind of traumatic for you?
Right here would be the canteen area.
There will be a lot of noises here. Unexpected voices,
so that's one of them. Chairs being pushed in and out.
Yeah. The sound of the legs dragging on the floor. Yes.
And then, just a lot of footsteps in general.
Yeah. There's no carpet in college as well, right?
There is. There is carpet?
There is but it's still... Even then, it's still loud.
Yeah, you can still hear that. Yes.
Wow. So if you were to draw that as the sound wave,
what would that feel like along this journey?
Could you try and draw a sound wave?
So this would be here, spikes,
then here, another spike.
Whenever I'm in the classroom,
too many of them. Too many spikes.
I would say the sentence that comes to mind, and it's the only sentence
that I have, is this chaos cannot be controlled.
And I'm just there in the corner at the back of the class, just trying
to make sure that everything is fine but really and truly it's not.
To give me a better understanding of what's going on inside Ethan's head,
I'm meeting an expert in autistic hypersensitivity, Dr Luke Beardon.
He's chosen to meet me here at the Moor Market, it's an indoor market,
I can see that, and it looks pretty busy.
Not necessarily in terms of people, but in terms of sensory stimuli
of all kinds. I can already smell it from outside!
HE LAUGHS
Oh, well, here goes.
Oh, God.
Nearly all autistic people report being unusually responsive
to at least one of the senses.
Bright lights, temperature, unexpected noises, texture and taste
can all be challenging.
Here, it's the smells that are bothering me the most.
The fruit is the worst of all for me.
I don't know why. That citrus, sicky citrus fruit smell,
when you mingle it in with everything else,
is really unpleasant.
You must be Luke. Hi, Chris. Hello. Welcome.
I feel like I should apologise in advance for dragging you here.
You must apologise! I feel like you're taking one for the team.
Luke is a senior lecturer and autism researcher
at Sheffield Hallam University.
He's dedicated his career to speaking to autistic people
about their experiences.
Why is my sensory experience here so radically different
from a non-autistic person?
What's happening is your primary senses, whether they're good or bad
or indifferent, are picking up all of that external stimuli,
and what happens then is what I call the filtering process.
The brain takes that sensory information, filters it
and then, what the non-autistic person ends up with is a conscious
understanding of the sensory environment. OK.
So are you saying that for non-autistic people they are able
to block this, some of this out? A huge amount of it out.
They're actually not aware of certain sounds or smells or sights
and so on, whereas, the autistic person is aware of all of it.
But how does that work mechanically?
How is that wiring different in my brain?
There's no definitive answer, which makes the whole sensory side
of things, A, fascinating and B, extraordinarily complex.
Shall we go for a little walk? Absolutely.
To continue to stimulate our senses.
Being unable to filter out this onslaught of information
can have significant consequences for autistic people.
Someone hypersensitive to smell might vomit at the faintest
whiff of perfume.
Someone hypersensitive to sound might, like Ethan,
find it challenging to leave home.
That maybe somewhat dark side of the sensory world
needs to be embraced and understood and accepted as well.
I know individuals, for example, who have not eaten at school
because the smell of the cafeteria
is enough that they cannot digest food.
I know young adults who have ended up in anorexia wards not
because they're anorexic but because they have sensory
aversions to certain types of food.
And that behaviour has been misunderstood in these examples
as anorexia, as opposed to understanding the person
from an autistic perspective.
OK. Let's leave the fish.
After the stress of the market, I want to take Luke somewhere
I feel more comfortable, to explore one of the contradictions of autism.
Why I, like so many, seek out specific sensations.
When I go into the supermarket, ideally, I'd like to be able
to block stuff out and I do block it out by just simply not going.
When I come here, I want everything to come in -
the sound of the trees in the wind, the sound of the trees in the rain.
And to know them differently, for me, is, brings... I'm just going to
say it brings me joy.
It's not... Actually, it's not... It's comfort it brings me.
I think what you're describing is a conscious
effort of sensory seeking.
If you've identified something that soothes you, gives you joy,
gives you comfort, that you're then going to be hyper aware of that.
What about Ethan? Does it strike you in any way
as ironic that here is a young man
who's got a super sensitivity to sound and yet,
he's massively into music?
He composes music, which by definition, I would say anyway,
is better heard loud.
I don't think it's ironic
and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
The noise, in and of itself, is fairly immaterial,
it's the unexpected nature of it.
There's absolutely, categorically no denying that some autistic people's
sensory experiences are the best thing to them about being autistic.
I've heard people saying, "I feel so sorry for people
"who don't experience the sensory joy that I experience by sniffing
"the dog or listening to the noise of geese on brand-new snow."
So there's this extraordinary juxtaposition on the one hand
of sensory joy and on the other hand, sensory distress, sometimes
within the same individual.
Luke has given me a broader perspective
on Ethan's sensory world.
I want to inject this into his film to help his classmates hear
what he hears, feel what he feels and, hopefully, change the way
they see him.
Up in Middlesbrough,
Anton is spending the day with Ty Unwin, the composer
he'll be working with to soundtrack his film.
When I come to the bus stop every morning,
this is where I lean. To get a full picture of Anton's complex
relationship with time and routine,
I've suggested that Ty accompany him on his journey to work.
So, what time do the bus come?
7.03.
So you've left the house at 6.55.
Yeah. You're here at 6.58?
Yeah. You're here with six minutes to spare. Yep.
Has it ever not arrived for any reason?
There's a time where it came at, I think it was like 7:01. OK.
And it was one of them where I sort of thought,
"All right, it's here.
"At least I know I'm getting to work," you know?
But did it throw you? It kind of did, yeah.
If for whatever reason, you did miss it, how would that make you feel?
I can't begin to imagine what would happen if it didn't turn up
or if I missed it.
Really? Yeah.
I think it would really... ruin the day.
I think it... To the point where I might not even go to work.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
All right, mate?
While Ty is seeing for himself how much routine affects Anton,
I'm exploring the science behind this aspect of autistic life.
Dr Punit Shah is a senior lecturer in psychology
at the University of Bath.
Hello. Hi, Chris. Come in. Lovely to meet you. Thank you for coming along.
His work focuses on trying to understand the processes
behind restricted and repetitive behaviours,
something which Anton and I have in common.
For these questions, I want you to give me a number between
one to five and say how much you endorse or identify
with these statements.
So let's start with, "There are certain activities that I always
"choose to do the same way every time."
It's not ALL things that I would choose to do in the same way,
but there are certain things that I would HAVE to do in the same way.
So, yeah, five. OK.
"I often insist on doing things in a certain way or redoing things
"until they're just right."
The redoing thing is the story of my life.
I'm constantly redoing everything
to try and get it righter. Yeah, five.
So Chris, here's my final question.
I like to arrange things in rows or patterns.
Yeah, there's... Yeah. Little doubt about that.
I'll tell you what, I can demonstrate that - rather than
answer the question, I can show you the answer to that question.
OK. Punit, yeah, just come upstairs.
There are many elements of my life that I control rigidly,
so providing an example isn't hard.
So firstly, there are different wardrobes
with different sets of T-shirts in.
So these are my everyday T-shirts.
What's important is obviously there's a spectrum order here.
I also like to have a uniformity of hangers,
and the hangers need to be equally spaced.
I think we'll score that a five. OK.
Forgive the oxymoron -
is this "normal" for autistic people, this stuff?
Well, restricted and repetitive behaviours
manifest in different ways.
This tendency to apply order, whether it's to clothes, shoes,
whatever it might be, there is a sort of common theme there
that we do see, which is a part of autism.
For me, it's about T-shirts.
For Anton, it's time.
Have we any idea, neurophysiologically,
what is going on in mine and Anton's minds
when it comes to these needs to adhere to pattern?
In short, not really.
I think for a long time we've used brain-imaging studies
and quite small-scale studies to try and probe this,
but actually a lot of that research
wasn't as robust as we thought it was,
particularly because we don't understand the behaviours.
Punit, in the past, some of those traits would have been seen
to have been at least annoying, at worst antisocial.
But now we're beginning to respect the fact
that they represent abilities for autistic people.
Yeah, they were certainly seen as a deficit, some people would say,
and as a problem to be stopped. But as we've learned more about
restricted and repetitive behaviours,
we found that it's not necessarily helpful to stop them.
And actually in certain cases where it's not harmful,
self-injurious or harming other people,
that it can be good for the person to regulate their own emotions
and other aspects of themselves,
but may also be linked to strengths and talents in autism.
Seeing benefits in autistic behaviour is a major change
in scientific thought,
and one that I hope will improve perceptions in the wider world.
In London, Anton and I are meeting designer Paul Tigwell,
who will help visualise his rigid adherence to routine.
What's the one thing that
you're really interested in getting from Anton?
In particular moments of stress,
how do you actually see the world visually?
Sometimes out of nowhere, there's no build-up,
it just sort straight... I get this sort of blurred vision.
Something sort of echoes.
And like, sometimes I have to sort of like, rub my head like this.
And I sometimes talk to myself in my head.
I often have this voice that says, like,
"You've got two minutes to finish that coffee,
"grab your bag, out the house."
So it's like a sort of little, like, routine where I sort of like,
I'm doing my thing and then I'm going...
and then it's like... You know what I mean?
Paul's going to use these ideas to create a look for Anton's film,
while Ty begins to put it to a beat.
What kind of speed are we talking about?
TAPS ON TABLE
Bit faster.
Yeah?
So all we'll do is...
DRUMBEAT PLAYS
Tempo wise, how does that feel?
Yeah. Yeah? Absolutely.
So you can either have it kind of goes...
SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON BEAT
Or you have the emphasis on the off beat. So you go...
SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON OFF BEAT
With soundtracks for both films taking shape,
it's down to my film crew to record the visuals.
In Basildon, we start on the streets surrounding Ethan's college.
What I would like you to do
is perhaps going to be holding this camera here. OK.
In Middlesbrough, we're filming every carefully timed moment...
..of Anton's journey to football practice.
Perfect. Walk towards us as if we're not here.
Just keep walking.
Go for it, Anton.
That's it. Yes! You got it. Nailed it.
What a throw!
Footage captured, the graphics team combine all of these elements
into two films that accurately reflect
Ethan and Anton's autistic experiences.
I can't wait to share the results with their families and friends.
First up, Ethan's film is ready to show to his classmates.
This is the cinema where Ethan's film
is going to get its world premiere,
but it's no ordinary screen that it's going to be projected on.
Just take a look at this.
What we want is a completely immersive experience,
and I think we're likely to get it here
because, look, this is the main screen,
but here the images are projected all up the walls,
so you're virtually surrounded.
It's going to be intense. I presume it's going to be loud.
It's visually going to be challenging
because you're not just looking at that,
you've got it all around you. And this, we hope,
will for the audience replicate that part
of Ethan's autistic experience.
EXHALES
It could be quite something in here, I've got to say.
I'm bracing myself for this.
As a coachload of staff and students from the college
start to arrive... Ethan! Hello.
..I have a few moments to catch up with
the newly confident star of the show.
I've seen the film. Did you?
It's fantastic, isn't it?
Are you pleased? I am.
It is a very accurate representation of my autistic experience
and how I deal with life.
Do you think that the viewers are going to be able to get
that greater understanding of what it's like to be you
when it comes to the acoustic world?
Yeah, definitely.
And how do you feel about showing them?
Because at the moment you're on the brink of sort of
baring your autistic soul to these people. I am.
Hopefully they will get a better understanding of me
as someone who's autistic.
I'm on the edge of my seat, quite literally,
to see how they react to it. And you've got me into a cinema.
I've got to say, I haven't been to the cinema...
I'll tell you, the last time I went - Avatar.
that's how long ago it was. Wow. Got me into a cinema,
and I'm here and I'm really excited. Oh, wow.
Anyway, we're nearly there.
We are. After you. Thank you.
The crowd take their seats, and I can feel the excitement building.
Ethan's mum, dad and sister are all here,
along with Chaz from the creative team.
This film is Ethan's autistic experience
condensed into two minutes.
I really hope it will help his classmates see him differently.
MUSIC, WHOOSHING AND CRACKLING
LAUGHTER
# Too much happens within one place
# That gives me sensory overload
# I have a gut feeling in my gut
# That I just want to go home
# Makes me feel unsure about life Feeling distant and empty
# On my way to college
# What will be the sounds that will affect me?
BARKING
WHOOSH OF TRAFFIC
# As soon as I walked in the doors there will be chaos
# Anticipate it like a movie
# Yeah, but I thought it would be a calm day
# But it's not, really and truly
# Everyone's eating, drinking
# Cooking up, buying stuff and blaring music
# All of that will be intrusive
# And that's enough to make me lose it
# There's noise in the room
# Coping with that, I don't know if I would
# My classmates play the beat in a club
# I don't think they would
# Queue tellers in the classroom will politely tell 'em shush... #
Hello! Can you turn the music off?
# But then it comes back seconds later
# For them it's not a good look
# Sometimes I'm cool with it Other times I'm not
# If there's too much going on in my eyes and ears
# Motivation is gone Like I'm driving in a Lamborghini
# Or taking flesh to Santorini
# Dealing, but the craziness has not been easy
# This chaos here cannot be controlled
# My mind goes blank and I feel powerless
# And my confidence will go
# This will be one of the most telling songs to record
# Now that's the end of the song I hope that you get me more. #
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How do you feel?
I feel amazed by everyone watching the film.
Thank you for coming along to watch it and thank you for turning up.
I didn't expect this to happen, but so grateful that you're here.
Aww.
Literally amazing.
It's fantastic, man. Thank you.
It was...it was cool. It was very cool.
We could see that... It was very obvious
that you'd worked really hard on it.
I think the end result is actually really sick. Thank you.
It's, like, brung a whole new view into autism for me
because I didn't really understand it much
and it kind of maybe opened my eyes a bit more
into understanding how it works.
Everything was amazing. Like, I really liked it.
All the sounds being very difficult to take in,
because normally for... For me, I just, like, walk past.
Nothing affects me.
Imagine if Ethan was just trying to explain to you in words
what you've just seen in images and sound.
To be honest, I wouldn't understand it.
It would be very hard to understand.
It's very hard to understand what he's going through
because it's so intense.
The way you portray your feelings through music as well,
just get everyone aware of what you feel.
Just amazing. Like, keep it up.
You're doing amazing.
The film seems to have had a profound effect
on Ethan's fellow students, and they're leaving
not only with a better understanding of his autistic mind,
but also of his creativity and passion.
It was amazing. The visual part of it as well was just...
Even Ethan's family have had their views challenged.
The speech - dude, did you write that?
Nah, nah, nah... No, he really...
That was eloquent. That's...
Yeah. Wow.
That was pretty impressive.
It was excellent. Eye-opening.
I didn't think the noise affected him that much.
The portrayal is a chaotic experience.
Everyday experience, basically, it's just chaos.
I didn't realise I was very selfish because I always say to Ethan,
"Come on, let's just go shopping.
"Let's do this. You'll be fine. Let's just go."
And I'm thinking, "Wow. So every time I say that to him,
"it's just... He experiences this?"
And I felt really, really bad.
Well, up until now, without all of that,
you know, effort and ability that he's mustered to make the film,
it would have been quite hard to understand.
How do you feel? I feel relieved.
I feel amazed that they got the message.
It has given me a bit of a confidence boost,
made me feel excited for life.
So do you think you can start making friends
like you did when you were at your old school?
That day will happen. I'm glad you did this,
and it feels like a big weight off your shoulders, isn't it?
It does. Just laid all your cards on the table. I did.
Say, "This is me." Yes. Good. I'm proud of you.
Well done. Thank you.
For me, the film worked.
His fellow students, who came here not really knowing much about Ethan
because he hadn't let them into his world,
he couldn't let them into his world, have left here, and they've told us,
with a far better understanding
of the way that Ethan experiences his life.
He's gone beyond someone who was uncomfortable and troubled
and needed to manage himself,
through his own creativity and songwriting ability,
into a communicator.
A communicator about what it's like to be autistic.
And that's brilliant. And it's put a smile on my face.
Following the success of Ethan's film premiere,
I've got high hopes for Anton's.
How are you feeling, then? Psyched.
But I haven't told him where it's going to be screened.
It's quite a big step.
You're exposing yourself to a lot of people
about a very important part of your life.
It's what I've always wanted to do, to be honest,
get that message out.
Is this is where it is?
Yeah.
Tonight, Anton's film will be shown on the big screen
at Middlesbrough's Riverside Stadium.
It's my second home. She's beautiful, isn't she?
Well, I wouldn't call it an architectural wonder, personally.
Up the Boro!
What's it like being in here?
It's something else, this. Something else.
My heroes are in here.
While Anton imparts some football knowledge, his fans, his family,
fiancee and football mates take their positions.
Bit apprehensive. Bit stressed.
LAUGHS
Just, like, that it'll go right and that it'll all fall into place.
I'm just really excited to see what we're going to be showing
and also to see Anton's reaction to it.
I mean, he seems to be a lot happier about sort of him and himself
at football since doing it.
He's opened up a lot more to the other lads at football.
In terms of a reaction, what are you hoping for, do you think?
I want people to feel proud.
You know, I don't want to blow my trumpet, but, you know,
I've came a long way and...
..I think it deserves to be celebrated.
You watch that film and you're going to learn something.
So I think they'll be surprised.
But along with that, I hope there's an understanding, acceptance,
maybe a different approach.
It's time. It's the final, for once, on this pitch. Yeah.
Let's go.
CHEERING
THEY LAUGH
Fans are in!
It's not the full 30,000, but... I don't need 30,000.
That's good enough for me.
For the first time in Anton's life,
he's revealing how extreme his response to change can be.
Why don't we roll the film?
MUSIC PLAYING
Being on the pitch means everything to me.
The people, the passion.
But getting here isn't always easy.
For me, being autistic means I need a routine.
I need a beat. BEAT INTENSIFIES
I need a rhythm.
Monday night is practice, this week, next week, every week.
I leave the house at 7:43.
Never later.
I'll wait by the door if I'm early.
It takes one minute to unlock my bike, helmet, check the lights.
I can hear the track in my head building to the drop.
BEAT DROPS The journey takes four minutes,
30 seconds, leaving me ten minutes
to warm up and get my head in the game.
But today...
MUSIC PAUSES
20 seconds late.
30 seconds late.
Match starts at eight.
Come on!
BEAT DROPS I need that time back.
I make it.
But today, nothing's going right.
This isn't what I was expecting.
The beat has gone.
This will stay with me for hours. Days.
Just going round like a record.
It might seem strange to you.
Does it matter that I'm late or if I miss a game?
But it does for me.
Sudden change leaves me feeling out of control.
Sometimes I can't cope at all.
BEAT DROPS
I can deal with change, but I need some warning.
This is the night I wanted.
Everything going to plan.
I feel safe. I feel secure.
And now I can have fun.
APPLAUSE
What did you think?
I thought it was eye-opening,
knowing that that's going on in his mind,
that he's sort of concentrating on everything.
It must be really stressful to sort of deal with that all of the time.
Something that we... That I, sorry, take for granted.
I feel like I can go and have a little chat with him now,
just maybe ask him how he's doing a bit more.
I think that was really good.
I just think it gives everyone an insight to what you go through
and what we go through every day.
That explained better about me than me explaining it to people.
Yeah, because I think you struggle to get your words out sometimes.
What do you think, then?
I think in that two minutes, there's a lot of information.
I didn't even know that little bit myself
about how hard it was for him.
I have seen him suffering and not known why,
but now he's been able to put it into some sort of words,
I think I probably would be able to speak more now, maybe,
I think he would be able to explain to me more things now.
You've had a few good nights here.
How does this one rate?
Couldn't get any better than that, could you? Could you?
I don't think so. It was quite heartening.
You did tell me that you, in the past at least,
have been nervous about outwardly expressing your autistic experience
to other people. Mmm.
But now it's done. Yeah. It's out there.
How do you feel about that?
Yeah, I feel immensely proud
that I've had the courage to do that.
It wasn't easy.
I'm so glad that I've done it.
That film gives people a real insight
into part of Anton's autistic experience.
But the key thing was the reaction of his friends and family,
because his mum said that she'd just learned something from it.
And what that says to me
is if his own family don't get it after 25 years,
that's a measure of that difficulty.
And tonight, a measure of his success,
because he has put his cards on the table.
And I think he's met his mission of becoming a role model.
What I've been trying to do is give four autistic people the opportunity
to tell the people they love how they truly feel.
To be more autistic in public than they previously were.
And every time they've done it, they've absolutely shone.
But I hope it doesn't stop here.
I hope that everyone who watches these films
will become more accepting of the autistic people in their lives.
The people we work with, socialise with, walk past in the street.
Because the more we understand each other,
the better all our lives will become.
Discover more about autistic minds
and the innovations being used by autistic people
in their daily lives.
Go to bbc.co.uk/autism
and follow the links to the Open University.