1
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:17,133
[extremely loud whistle 
and explosion.

2
00:00:17,166 --> 00:00:20,566
[extremely 
loud whistle and explosion.

3
00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:24,666
[gunfire]

4
00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:31,233
[men yelling]

5
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:36,933
[rapid machine gun fire]

6
00:00:36,966 --> 00:00:39,400
(man) It was just chaos.

7
00:00:39,433 --> 00:00:44,533
As soon as we got there an RPG 
detonated 20 feet away.

8
00:00:44,566 --> 00:00:49,733
It was as if someone had taken 
a dustpan of gravel and rock

9
00:00:49,766 --> 00:00:51,533
and poured it in your mouth.

10
00:00:51,566 --> 00:00:55,900
[rapid gunfire]

11
00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:58,833
I got one right in the chest, 
right in the center.

12
00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:04,966
I'd go back 
in a New York minute.

13
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:09,566
I would go right back because 
I was comfortable there.

14
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:14,266
We had bombs going off and IEDs 
going off and all that stuff,

15
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,233
and I was focused.

16
00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:18,733
[loud explosion]

17
00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:24,533
The experience of a French 
soldier in Napoleon's army

18
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:29,100
is no different than the 
experience of a Marine today.

19
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:32,966
The terror, the exhilaration 
that soldiers feel in combat,

20
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,633
it's been part of war 
since the first humans.

21
00:01:36,666 --> 00:01:40,133
War is heroic, it's scary,

22
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,733
it's horrifying, 
it's courage, loyalty,

23
00:01:42,766 --> 00:01:45,633
brotherhood and sisterhood, 
and all of these things

24
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:49,600
that have made humans human 
for a very long time.

25
00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:53,766
We like to think that war is 
an aberration, but there's

26
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,433
scarcely been a culture or a 
time when we've not been at war.

27
00:01:57,466 --> 00:02:00,400
It's universal.

28
00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:03,466
We try really hard to keep 
combat at a distance,

29
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,866
but when we talk about war

30
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,433
we're talking about 
what it means to be human.

31
00:02:08,466 --> 00:02:10,633
[loud explosion]

32
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:27,400
All you sit up straight 
and look at me now!

33
00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:28,666
(all) Aye, sir!

34
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,466
You have just arrived

35
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,333
at MCRD San Diego California,

36
00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:34,433
Building 602, Receiving company.

37
00:02:34,466 --> 00:02:37,500
From now on, the only things 
that come out of your mouth is

38
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:39,766
"Yes, sir" or "No, sir" 
when it comes to a question.

39
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,966
Do we understand? 
(recruits) Yes, sir!

40
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,333
Now when I tell you to and only 
when I tell you to,

41
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,166
you get off my bus and get on 
to the yellow footprints!

42
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,966
Do you understand? 
(recruits) Yes, sir!

43
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,700
Get off my bus now! 
(recruits) Aye, sir!

44
00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:55,533
Let's go, get off the bus now!

45
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:59,833
[continues yelling at the 
recruits] Let's go! Let's go!

46
00:02:59,866 --> 00:03:04,066
(Karl) When I started boot camp, 
I think I was 19.

47
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:08,200
It was like, can I do this? 
Marine Boot Camp's really hard,

48
00:03:08,233 --> 00:03:11,333
You know? Some people don't make 
it, you know? Can I?

49
00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:13,100
So it was an adventure.

50
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,333
I was kind of excited about it.

51
00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,400
I wasn't thinking about, 
you know,

52
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:20,433
I'm a patriot, I'm going to 
serve my country.

53
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:24,300
I was very focused on, I wonder 
if I can get through this?

54
00:03:24,333 --> 00:03:26,866
(male drill sergeant) 
Power walk, you're not ready, 
power walk! Freeze here!

55
00:03:29,466 --> 00:03:32,933
All of you stop moving around 
now! (recruits) Aye, sir!

56
00:03:32,966 --> 00:03:35,500
Scream for your life, Aye, aye, 
sir! (recruits) Aye, aye sir!

57
00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:37,700
My understanding of boot camp

58
00:03:37,733 --> 00:03:40,266
is based off the movie 
"Full Metal Jacket."

59
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:43,733
As real as Stanley Kubrick's 
version

60
00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:49,133
of Marine Corps Boot Camp is, 
ah, it's a light version.

61
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:51,633
(sergeant) 
You have 30 seconds to shove 
everything in that bag, now!

62
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:52,933
(recruits) Aye, aye sir!

63
00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:57,066
(Lisa Crutch) 
I questioned my decision.

64
00:03:57,100 --> 00:04:00,000
Why the heck did you join the 
military, you know?

65
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:03,200
You have a good job, you're 
married, you got kids,

66
00:04:03,233 --> 00:04:06,666
you own a house--why the heck 
do you wanna join the military?

67
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:11,266
(sergeant) 
Where you at Friedkin, Alex? 
(recruit) Here, sir!

68
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:14,000
(Frederick Romero) They start 
calling out our names,

69
00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:16,233
and they're calling out 
"Frederick Romero,"

70
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,133
I'm not answering because

71
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,366
my name was "Freddie" 
when I was a kid.

72
00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:24,200
I didn't know 
my name was "Frederick"

73
00:04:24,266 --> 00:04:25,800
until I went 
into the Marine Corps!

74
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:26,566


75
00:04:29,066 --> 00:04:32,700
(sergeant) 
Stop right there! Get over here! 
(recruit) Yes, sir!

76
00:04:32,766 --> 00:04:34,133
(sergeant) Not so funny, right? 
(recruit) No, sir!

77
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:38,166
[sergeants screaming] 
(recruit) No sir! No sir!

78
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:43,333
I got down, I was doing like 
50 push-ups, he's yelling at me,

79
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:47,100
"Stupid assh---." He wanted 
to know why I didn't answer.

80
00:04:47,166 --> 00:04:49,600
I said,"I didn't know 
my name was Frederick."

81
00:04:49,666 --> 00:04:51,700
He said, 
"Well, you dumb assh---

82
00:04:51,766 --> 00:04:54,333
that's what your name is 
on your birth certificate."

83
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,566
[sergeants screaming] 
(recruit) Yes, sir! No, sir!

84
00:04:56,633 --> 00:04:59,166
Get out of my face! Aye aye sir!

85
00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,533
Go away! (recruit) Yes, sir!

86
00:05:01,566 --> 00:05:05,833
They tre

87
00:05:01,566 --> 00:05:05,833
They treated us like dogs, 
they institutionalized us,

88
00:05:05,866 --> 00:05:09,233
they stripped us of our identity

89
00:05:09,266 --> 00:05:14,033
and made us more of a 
collective being, if you will.

90
00:05:18,066 --> 00:05:24,466
(all) Ahhhh!

91
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:27,166
It's a radical shift 
in your personality

92
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,033
and how you think 
about yourself.

93
00:05:30,066 --> 00:05:33,500
You come in as a kid who thinks 
only of himself and his needs,

94
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:35,400
and you become someone who will

95
00:05:35,433 --> 00:05:37,533
literally risk your life 
for a fellow Marine.

96
00:05:37,566 --> 00:05:40,666
It's what initiations 
are all about.

97
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,900
This transformation 
from child to adult,

98
00:05:43,933 --> 00:05:47,933
from civilian to warrior, 
it goes all the way back

99
00:05:47,966 --> 00:05:50,566
to ancient Greece, 
to Athens, Sparta.

100
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,966
Essentially, they try to make 
you quit,

101
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,533
they try to weed out the weak, 
any way they can

102
00:05:56,566 --> 00:05:58,866
physically or mentally try 
to break you, they try to.

103
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,833
[yelling & gunfire]

104
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:05,700
(Roger Sparks) It's really to 
benefit combat effectiveness.

105
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:10,633
You cannot think of yourself 
to be effective in combat.

106
00:06:10,666 --> 00:06:14,866
And the moment that you have 
self-preserving thoughts,

107
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,533
everything is going 
to go to hell.

108
00:06:17,566 --> 00:06:21,066
[soldiers yelling]

109
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:25,333
[rapid gunfire]

110
00:06:25,366 --> 00:06:28,466
(Sebastian Junger) When we ask 
soldiers to go fight,

111
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,766
it's not just another job.

112
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,633
We're asking them to kill other 
people for us,

113
00:06:33,666 --> 00:06:36,000
and that means

114
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:38,800
that because they have 
a moral burden

115
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,833
that's inherent in their job,

116
00:06:40,866 --> 00:06:45,300
we have a moral obligation 
to think about it.

117
00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:49,333
(Karl Marlantes) You can't teach 
a person to kill,

118
00:06:49,366 --> 00:06:52,166
but you can convince the person

119
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,933
that the normal inhibitions 
of civilization

120
00:06:54,966 --> 00:06:57,466
are now going to be removed,

121
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,233
and we're going to send you 
over to this place,

122
00:07:01,266 --> 00:07:03,700
and out comes this 
incredible aggressive nature

123
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:07,000
that we just have 
as an animal species.

124
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:10,233
But the other thing 
you have to understand

125
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:13,033
is that you're playing 
with dynamite.

126
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,800
You've got a 19-year-old kid 
with an automatic weapon.

127
00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:19,466
How do you check that?

128
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,966
That's the discipline 
of military training.

129
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,500
[drill instructor] Kill it! 
(recruit) Aye Sir! Aye Sir!

130
00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:28,933
I don't think anybody grows up 
thinking, I want to kill people

131
00:07:28,966 --> 00:07:32,166
or I want to be a part of 
something where you're killing 
people.

132
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,566
So there's a lot of values 
installed in you

133
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,666
that they had to teach you to 
go against and still be moral.

134
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,766
Ahhhh!

135
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:46,733
You have to realize that you 
can't think like a civilian.

136
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:50,000
And then when you see other guys 
do dumb, stupid, stuff.

137
00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:53,033
And then all of us get 
punished for it.

138
00:07:53,066 --> 00:07:56,000
Boot camp was the first time 
I got in trouble

139
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:57,766
for something someone else did.

140
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,200
And that was 
a real eye-opener for me.

141
00:08:03,866 --> 00:08:07,866
We had to have our canteens 
full of water, no matter what.

142
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:10,433
If they ever came and checked on 
you to see if you were hydrated,

143
00:08:10,466 --> 00:08:12,233
the first thing they would do is 
check your canteen,

144
00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,300
to see how much water you had 
in there.

145
00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:16,900
And one day, I just didn't want 
to carry the extra weight.

146
00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:19,666
I was like, this is BS, I don't 
want to carry

147
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,966
this stupid canteen; it's 
not even that hot out outside.

148
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,633
Sure as (ááááá), this drill 
sergeant came over, and he

149
00:08:25,666 --> 00:08:29,133
started checking canteens, opens 
mine up, and he pours it out

150
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:31,933
and there's nothing in there, 
and he goes, guess what?

151
00:08:31,966 --> 00:08:33,733
What you're going to do is,

152
00:08:33,766 --> 00:08:35,766
you're going to go 
into the barracks.

153
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:37,700
You're going to tell everybody 
to come outside, and you're

154
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:40,200
going to tell them that now 
we're going to do extra PT

155
00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:43,466
because you decided you 
didn't want to carry water

156
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:46,700
outside of the cafeteria. 
Right away, my heart sank.

157
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:49,900
I was like, phew, I have to be 
the bearer of bad news.

158
00:08:49,933 --> 00:08:53,333
I have to go in there and tell 
all these guys that now,

159
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,166
because of me, they're going to 
suffer the punishment.

160
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,400
I felt about that big.

161
00:09:00,066 --> 00:09:03,933
That is war-- 
if you don't do your job,

162
00:09:03,966 --> 00:09:07,033
it doesn't just hurt you, 
it hurts everybody else.

163
00:09:07,066 --> 00:09:09,800
The ego has to go!

164
00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:13,500
By about your 8th week, when 
you're marching and we're

165
00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:16,600
so good, the drill instructor 
doesn't even call cadence.

166
00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:19,366
You just drive your left foot 
into the ground

167
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,733
a little harder than your right, 
and we're of one foot.

168
00:09:21,766 --> 00:09:23,966
And we are so in tune,

169
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,733
you start to really dig that, 
let me tell you.

170
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:29,333
(R. Dennis Eller) Your team, 
your tribe, is what matters.

171
00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:31,566
You can only ever be as strong

172
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,533
as the weakest member 
of your team.

173
00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:35,433
And so because of that fact,

174
00:09:35,466 --> 00:09:37,833
you're going to take the person 
who like,

175
00:09:37,866 --> 00:09:40,533
forgets to fill up his canteen, 
you're going to take the person

176
00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:42,666
who doesn't know how to assemble 
his rifle,

177
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,100
and you're going to rise him up

178
00:09:45,133 --> 00:09:49,166
to the level 
that he wants to be at.

179
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,766
(Harrison Manyoma) 
We were doing our final,

180
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,033
final road march-- 15 miles.

181
00:09:57,066 --> 00:10:01,033
Something snapped 
in my Achilles tendon.

182
00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:04,433
I remember there 
was so much pain.

183
00:10:04,466 --> 00:10:07,666
And tears were coming down 
my eyes,

184
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:11,466
and the rest of the group was 
maybe about 50 yards up.

185
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:16,866
There's a vehicle 
that follows you.

186
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:20,333
And if the vehicle comes 
past you, you would fail.

187
00:10:20,366 --> 00:10:23,000
And I was maybe about 5 yards 
from that vehicle.

188
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:33,600
I remember one guy, last name 
Gibson, from Alabama.

189
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:38,033
Gibson came all the way back,

190
00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:43,266
and he said, Manyoma, he goes, 
if you fail, I fail.

191
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:47,600
That's at the moment 
where I'm...

192
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:55,066
[with much emotion] where I knew 
that somebody cared more enough

193
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,600
about me 
than they did themselves.

194
00:10:57,633 --> 00:10:59,800
And he carried my rucksack.

195
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,133
And he said 
you're not going to give up.

196
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:04,733
We came too far, and I need you.

197
00:11:04,766 --> 00:11:07,366
And for the rest of the 13 miles

198
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,600
he walked with me, 
and I was able to pass that.

199
00:11:11,633 --> 00:11:19,800
[recruits scream a battle cry]

200
00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:35,433
(Karl Marlantes) 
They're not Marines 
until they get through it,

201
00:11:35,466 --> 00:11:38,700
and then at the top of the hill

202
00:11:38,733 --> 00:11:40,700
their drill instructors say, 
now you're in.

203
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,833
Good morning, sir!

204
00:11:42,866 --> 00:11:44,200
Congratulations. 
Thank you sir.

205
00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:45,866
You guys look good. 
Aye!

206
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,800
You don't smell so good. 
Aye!

207
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,300
But you look good. 
Yes Sir.

208
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,566
Well done, congratulations. 
Thank you sir.

209
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,500
Well done, 
congratulations.

210
00:11:54,466 --> 00:11:57,000
This is an initiation 
into something,

211
00:11:57,033 --> 00:11:59,566
but much deeper 
than they were before.

212
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,233
They reach a certain level 
of maturity

213
00:12:02,266 --> 00:12:04,366
that they did not have before.

214
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400
What is it 
that those Marines have,

215
00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:10,733
that when I was 16 
I didn't have?

216
00:12:10,766 --> 00:12:13,466
I want it, you know, 
and that's how they get it.

217
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,500
You don't just go buy it.

218
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:18,300
You have to go through 
the crucible to earn it.

219
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,800
But I was not prepared 
for the reality of combat.

220
00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:28,733
The real training starts,

221
00:12:28,766 --> 00:12:32,166
as you're getting ready 
to go to war.

222
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,366
You know, you can't teach 
a most important thing,

223
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:40,300
which was, what does it 
feel like to get shot at?

224
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:43,666
All the training, none of it 
could have prepared me

225
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,633
for what we experienced.

226
00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:48,833
Experiencing war, 
and experiencing combat.

227
00:12:48,866 --> 00:12:55,300
I had no idea what I was 
getting myself into-- none.

228
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:56,966
[chop-chop 
of the helicopter blades]

229
00:13:09,566 --> 00:13:11,733
(Sebastian Junger) 
In my early 30s there was

230
00:13:11,766 --> 00:13:14,200
a war in Bosnia, a civil war.

231
00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:17,366
And off I went to Bosnia with 
a stack of notebooks

232
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,900
and some pens to became a war 
reporter.

233
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:24,366
I wanted to understand 
what war was all about.

234
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,433
There are all kinds of wars-- 
there are unjust wars;

235
00:13:27,466 --> 00:13:30,033
there are wars that are 
necessary, like World War II.

236
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:33,000
But I quickly discovered that

237
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,966
all wars have 
something in common.

238
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,433
You see people 
relying on each other.

239
00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:42,433
They rely on each other 
in small groups

240
00:13:42,466 --> 00:13:45,066
to survive the circumstances 
of combat.

241
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,900
The group matters more to them 
than their own survival does.

242
00:13:48,933 --> 00:13:52,133
it struck me, like, 
that is our human origins.

243
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:55,433
I mean, that's why this species 
has survived and thrived,

244
00:13:55,466 --> 00:13:57,700
is that the individual 
is capable

245
00:13:57,733 --> 00:14:00,600
of putting a group 
before their own interests.

246
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:04,500
That, to me, held some secret 
to the human experience

247
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:06,700
that I really, really wanted 
to understand and write about.

248
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,600
(Dennis Mosley) 
My first deployment I was part

249
00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:14,666
of a machine gun team, 
the 240, Bravo.

250
00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:18,266
I remember being extremely 
nervous

251
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:21,666
'cause one, I didn't 
want to f--- up,

252
00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:22,733
and two, I didn't know 
what was going to happen.

253
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:30,033
(Morocco Coleman) The pilot 
said, "Gentlemen,

254
00:14:30,066 --> 00:14:33,266
please fasten your seat belts, 
we will land in 15 minutes."

255
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:36,133
And I looked out the window,

256
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:43,100
and I saw this lush, beautiful, 
green utopia.

257
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:47,400
(Elijah) 
I mean you flew in, 
and you see these mountains

258
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:50,633
and this desert and these 
green patches of orchards.

259
00:14:50,666 --> 00:14:53,766
It's just such a, it's 
a beautiful country. I mean,

260
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,466
it's one of the most beautiful 
countries I've ever been to.

261
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,233
(Jason Wheeler) The cab's 
air conditioned in the plane,

262
00:15:01,266 --> 00:15:04,066
and when they open up the door, 
you know,

263
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,500
I was like, man, those engines 
are really hot, you know.

264
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:08,233
The turbines are really blowing

265
00:15:08,266 --> 00:15:10,666
that hot air in here-- 
that's crazy.

266
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:13,666
And then I realized that it 
wasn't the engines,

267
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,066
that was just the ambient 
temperature outside.

268
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,600
As we're walking down they're 
just handing us bottles of water

269
00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:20,500
going drink water, 
drink water, drink water.

270
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:22,633
I'm like, 
you've got to be kidding me.

271
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:27,400
[rush of strong wind blowing]

272
00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:30,366
I was like 
what the hell am I doing?

273
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,000
What the hell have I gotten 
myself into?

274
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,600
Where in the hell am I, and 
how'd I get here? [laughs]

275
00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:39,000
It was a, really,

276
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:41,800
you know, like being 
in a different world.

277
00:15:46,266 --> 00:15:49,600
(Ron) When I was on ship,

278
00:15:49,633 --> 00:15:53,633
getting ready to fly out 
to my first op.

279
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:57,100
I sought out those guys 
that were salts,

280
00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:59,600
salt meaning 
they'd been there awhile,

281
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:02,600
to try to learn 
what the bush was like,

282
00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:05,700
to try to get some sense of, 
of what to expect.

283
00:16:05,733 --> 00:16:09,033
And of course, none of them

284
00:16:09,066 --> 00:16:12,166
really wanted to talk much 
about it.

285
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,633
The guys that are leaving, they 
don't even look at you.

286
00:16:18,666 --> 00:16:21,300
We didn't exist.

287
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:23,600
We're replacing the 2nd Infantry 
Division and these guys,

288
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:25,966
you know, they look like

289
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,466
they're just been beat to death 
with a tired stick.

290
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:36,100
(Frederick Romero) 
You could just see these people

291
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:39,233
that are like zombies, kinda-- 
zoned out.

292
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:42,600
Mean hard look on their face,

293
00:16:42,633 --> 00:16:45,666
like, I'm not messing 
with these guys. Right?

294
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,933
You know, you're looking at 
these guys, you're like,

295
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:51,366
am I going to be like that 
in a year?

296
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,666
(Frederick Romero) 
I asked the sergeant, hey, 
what's wrong with these guys?

297
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:58,800
He said, you'll find out later 
about what that's about.

298
00:16:58,833 --> 00:17:02,200
It made me be more afraid.

299
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:05,933
Then you start thinking about 
what it was going to be like.

300
00:17:05,966 --> 00:17:09,099
I mean, you know you're going 
into a hot area,

301
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,400
and you know 
someone's going to die.

302
00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,133
[chop-chop 
of the helicopter blades]

303
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:20,500
When we were out in a combat 
zone,

304
00:17:20,533 --> 00:17:22,900
it was different 
than normal life.

305
00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:25,433
You knew it was different.

306
00:17:25,466 --> 00:17:26,766
Psychologically, it was 
different.

307
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:33,466
I'd been in country 
about 2 days or 3 days.

308
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,366
Myself and another lieutenant 
were put on a helicopter

309
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,800
to be dropped in to where 
our company was,

310
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:41,566
which was 
in the middle of the jungle,

311
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,966
probably up about 
4,000, 5,000 feet.

312
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,166
I'm sort of, I've got a map, 
and I'm trying to see

313
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,033
where we're going and everything 
and all of a sudden,

314
00:17:50,066 --> 00:17:52,833
fff! fff! fff! fff! 
holes came into the fuselage.

315
00:17:52,866 --> 00:17:57,233
I was like, my god! 
We're being shot at!

316
00:17:57,266 --> 00:17:59,866
[loud gunshots]

317
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:03,133
God, we were such Cherries.

318
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:06,200
So we roll into our FOB, 
Victory North.

319
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:08,566
As we're rolling 
into Victory North,

320
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,100
we went by an IED,

321
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,600
there's mortars that drops 
behind us as were rolling in.

322
00:18:15,066 --> 00:18:18,066
Then we stop with our Humvees, 
and my company commander

323
00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:21,133
comes running out, he's like, 
everyone run to the bunkers!

324
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,566
And we're like, oh s---, war!

325
00:18:23,633 --> 00:18:26,100
[extremely loud explosions]

326
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,933
Probably one of the loudest 
explosions I've heard in my life

327
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,733
because it was 
so close and it was so big.

328
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,133
People just everywhere, 
every direction.

329
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,766
I remember just getting up 
off the ground and going,

330
00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:39,500
what the f--- was that? 
I knew exactly what it was,

331
00:18:39,566 --> 00:18:41,966
but it was one of those things

332
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:44,600
where you couldn't believe 
that it had happened to you.

333
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:48,366
The second the mortar hit, 
right then was when I realized

334
00:18:48,433 --> 00:18:53,166
that either I'm going to live or 
I'm going to die-- there's

335
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,766
nothing I can really-- you're 
a dead man walking, basically.

336
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,766
nothing I can really-- you're 
a dead man walking, basically.

337
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,666
[loud whistle; loud explosion]

338
00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:00,166
These things were coming in 
with this awful whistle,

339
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,066
Zzzz...boom! Right? 
And they were landing

340
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,866
right on top of us, we were 
curled up in trenches.

341
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,033
It felt like World War 1.

342
00:19:07,066 --> 00:19:09,366
[loud whistles and explosions]

343
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,466
And you just think, If I hear 
the explosion I'm alive.

344
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:15,133
And if I get killed I'll never 
hear the explosion.

345
00:19:15,166 --> 00:19:17,733
And you have one second 
to think that.

346
00:19:17,766 --> 00:19:20,633
So, time after time it's this 
awful existential crisis.

347
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:27,900
Modern war, it's just, 
it's just random in many ways.

348
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:30,100
You really are completely 
out of control,

349
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:32,933
and one of the things 
that gives you a sense of

350
00:19:32,966 --> 00:19:35,400
I might make it, is 
that I'm good at this.

351
00:19:35,433 --> 00:19:38,466
I can, you know-- I'll be smart.

352
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,666
[extremely loud explosion]

353
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,900
But when you're being shelled...

354
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:45,566
[extremely loud explosion]

355
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,933
there's 
nothing you can do, you just 
have to sit there and take it.

356
00:19:48,966 --> 00:19:55,033
[extremely loud explosions]

357
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:15,200
(Jason Wheeler) 
The first time that we were 
going on a mission,

358
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:17,166
going outside the wire.

359
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,400
Nothing seems real; 
everything's surreal.

360
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:25,200
Because you don't know 
what's out there!

361
00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,466
You just don't know!

362
00:20:31,433 --> 00:20:33,100
(Sebastian Junger) On my third 
trip,

363
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:34,733
about halfway through 
the deployment,

364
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:37,533
I was in a Humvee, on a supply 
convoy

365
00:20:37,566 --> 00:20:39,466
coming into the Korengal Valley.

366
00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:47,366
And we came around this hairpin 
turn very, very slowly.

367
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,066
We're sort of creeping around 
it, and, boom!

368
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,500
[explosion & clattering]

369
00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:56,966
The bomb went off 
under the engine block,

370
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,566
instead of under the crew 
compartment, and so that was

371
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,300
a matter of a fraction 
of a second that saved us.

372
00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:06,766
We bailed out, there's gunfire,

373
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,266
I ran behind cover 
behind another Humvee.

374
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:14,300
After that I was so jacked up 
for the rest of the day.

375
00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:17,433
I mean, on top of the world, 
I'm cranked. Right?

376
00:21:17,466 --> 00:21:20,266
And then that night, 
I watch the footage again,

377
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:23,600
and as I'm watching the Humvee 
get close to the point

378
00:21:23,633 --> 00:21:25,933
where it's 
going to get blown up,

379
00:21:25,966 --> 00:21:28,500
I just got this unbearable 
sense of anxiety,

380
00:21:28,533 --> 00:21:31,133
and I just couldn't-- 
I actually couldn't watch it.

381
00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:33,333
Boom, I heard it go,

382
00:21:33,366 --> 00:21:36,333
and it took me a long time 
to actually watch it.

383
00:21:36,366 --> 00:21:39,633
After the IED 
I got quite depressed,

384
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:43,333
I had a lot 
of really bad dreams.

385
00:21:43,366 --> 00:21:47,500
That lasted until the next time 
we got into a firefight.

386
00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:52,000
[loud explosions 
& rapid gunfire]

387
00:21:54,033 --> 00:21:57,733
[men yelling commands]

388
00:21:57,766 --> 00:22:01,133
[machine gun fire]

389
00:22:07,533 --> 00:22:12,766
I have to say that I have 
never been so excited

390
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:17,933
and so full of life as 
when I was, uh, in combat.

391
00:22:17,966 --> 00:22:22,800
You lose that sense of ego,

392
00:22:22,833 --> 00:22:25,133
you're just part 
of this bigger cause.

393
00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:29,600
I was in a deep primitive 
state of mind.

394
00:22:29,633 --> 00:22:33,400
[machine gun fire]

395
00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:39,233
I think it's hilarious 
that in America now we have

396
00:22:39,266 --> 00:22:41,433
this big thing about meditation 
and being present,

397
00:22:41,466 --> 00:22:44,033
and all this other kind of 
stuff, right,

398
00:22:44,066 --> 00:22:46,833
because you're never more 
present than you are in war,

399
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,366
like soldiers have figured 
this out eons ago.

400
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,100
If you want to be present, 
get shot at. I guarantee you.

401
00:22:54,133 --> 00:22:57,900
You are locked in, like Buddha, 
to what's happening right now.

402
00:22:57,933 --> 00:23:02,000
Training kicks in, fear 
dissipates.

403
00:23:02,033 --> 00:23:05,700
I'm in the zone, and I'm 
throwing lead.

404
00:23:05,733 --> 00:23:08,466
[machine gun fire]

405
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,966
(Lisa) 
I was a 50-cal gunner 
on a back of a gun truck.

406
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,000
[50 cal. gunshots]

407
00:23:17,033 --> 00:23:19,800
That would be my weapon 
of choice. [laughs]

408
00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:23,566
You know, you can 
take it down with a 50-cal.

409
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:28,633
And I would shoot until nobody 
else was up there, um,

410
00:23:28,666 --> 00:23:33,466
but standing there and shooting, 
and literally hearing

411
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:35,966
shooo-- you're hearing 
the bullets,

412
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,733
I could hear them 
go past my ears.

413
00:23:39,766 --> 00:23:43,700
And now that I'm sitting here 
thinking about it I'm like,

414
00:23:43,733 --> 00:23:45,233
dummy, why didn't you duck?

415
00:23:45,266 --> 00:23:48,833
[gunfire]

416
00:23:54,433 --> 00:24:00,766
Hearing the chaos on the radio-- 
it's a KIA or it's one down,

417
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:04,800
one down, and the smell,

418
00:24:04,833 --> 00:24:09,600
when the 7.62 round hits 
the flesh of someone.

419
00:24:09,633 --> 00:24:13,100
It's almost like an instant 
smell of burnt skin.

420
00:24:13,133 --> 00:24:15,066
It's a terrible smell.

421
00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:17,066
You mix that with cordite 
in a firefight

422
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:18,700
and it sort of 
permeates the air.

423
00:24:18,733 --> 00:24:22,166
[loud gunfire]

424
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,233
Firefights are nasty.

425
00:24:25,266 --> 00:24:28,566
Assault by the weapons, 
the smell,

426
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,533
the explosions, the screaming.

427
00:24:32,566 --> 00:24:35,866
It really just became 
us and them.

428
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:39,166
So it's either me and my friends 
or it's them and their friends.

429
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,400
I'm going to get them 
before they get me.

430
00:24:41,433 --> 00:24:43,833
It just made us want 
to go out there,

431
00:24:43,866 --> 00:24:45,666
and we called it get some.

432
00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,700
They're gooks, 
they're towelheads,

433
00:24:47,733 --> 00:24:50,466
they're hajiis, 
they're krauts, they're nips.

434
00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:54,266
I mean, we have lots of names 
that allow us to fool ourselves

435
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:56,133
that they're not 
really human being.

436
00:24:56,166 --> 00:24:59,566
You are just facing your enemy.

437
00:24:59,633 --> 00:25:02,800
It was either them 
or my guys-- f--- 'em.

438
00:25:07,666 --> 00:25:10,400
Fire that way. 
Don't fire this way at all.

439
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,266
(man) 
I'm trying to find Maverick

440
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:18,266
and trying to get things 
consolidated.

441
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:21,766
We were on an assault, it was 
a very steep hill,

442
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,533
you know, I mean, 
like, 45 degrees,

443
00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:29,200
and um, as we were going 
up the hill,

444
00:25:29,233 --> 00:25:34,500
they were dug into fighting 
holes and bunkers above us.

445
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,533
(Ken Clark) There was like an 
elevated road that went through

446
00:25:37,566 --> 00:25:41,766
the middle of these rice paddies 
and we went over that road

447
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:46,266
and on the other side the VC was 
hiding out in the rice paddies.

448
00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:48,966
I look, and I keep 
seeing these black flashes,

449
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,100
and the VC always wore 
black pajamas or black shorts

450
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:54,666
of like shiny black stuff, 
and I keep seeing them.

451
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:56,866
Finally I tell 
my squad leader,

452
00:25:56,900 --> 00:25:59,266
I said there's gooks 
all over out there.

453
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:01,366
He goes, what? I said 
there's one right there.

454
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,666
He goes, I don't see anything, 
I'm like,

455
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:06,266
there's one out there. 
He goes, well go get him.

456
00:26:06,300 --> 00:26:08,733
[machine gun fire] 
(man) All right, let's go!

457
00:26:08,766 --> 00:26:11,033
C'mon, let's go!

458
00:26:11,066 --> 00:26:14,033
Somebody shouted "Chicom," 
and Chicom is a hand grenade

459
00:26:14,066 --> 00:26:17,000
with a wooden potato masher 
sort of look to it,

460
00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:20,366
and I saw it tumbling 
in the air above me.

461
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:24,166
And I said okay, 
I'm gonna go around the side

462
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,433
so that when they stand up 
to throw their grenades,

463
00:26:27,466 --> 00:26:29,766
I'll be there with my M16.

464
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,033
And this little guy sees us, 
and he stands up.

465
00:26:33,066 --> 00:26:36,466
The water is probably 
crotch deep on him, and he's

466
00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:40,833
starting to run, and we tried to 
chase him, and it's hard to run

467
00:26:40,866 --> 00:26:44,533
in a rice paddy especially if 
you've got on a flak jacket,

468
00:26:44,566 --> 00:26:47,266
helmets and guns and all 
this crap you're carrying.

469
00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:52,166
He was only maybe 
150 feet in front of me.

470
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,033
Well, I had an automatic.

471
00:26:55,066 --> 00:26:59,300
And I got him right 
in the sight of my M16.

472
00:26:59,333 --> 00:27:03,833
I'm laying on the ground, and 
I'm just like that, and he's

473
00:27:03,866 --> 00:27:08,200
probably 10 or 12 feet away 
from me, and um, we locked eyes.

474
00:27:08,233 --> 00:27:10,633
And I remember whispering 
out loud,

475
00:27:10,666 --> 00:27:12,466
I couldn't speak Vietnamese,

476
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:15,500
but I can remember 
whispering out loud,

477
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:17,566
Don't throw it, 
I won't pull the trigger,

478
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,733
'cause he had his grenade.

479
00:27:19,766 --> 00:27:22,733
Don't throw it, I won't pull 
the trigger-- I can remember

480
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,700
whispering, just trying 
to communicate with him.

481
00:27:24,733 --> 00:27:27,866
Just don't throw it, 
I won't pull the trigger.

482
00:27:27,900 --> 00:27:30,566
Well, he just snarled at me 
and threw it at me,

483
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,900
and I pulled the trigger.

484
00:27:32,933 --> 00:27:36,933
At that moment I thought, 
better him than me.

485
00:27:36,966 --> 00:27:43,733
It was years later 
that I began to understand

486
00:27:43,766 --> 00:27:47,400
I killed 
another human being.

487
00:27:47,433 --> 00:27:50,433
[with much emotion] I hit him 
all across the lower back.

488
00:27:53,366 --> 00:27:56,900
[with much emotion] And I...

489
00:27:56,933 --> 00:27:58,966
I thought I had missed him

490
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,933
because I saw the rounds hit 
the water behind him.

491
00:28:01,966 --> 00:28:05,433
So I thought, well I missed him. 
But he stopped and he was

492
00:28:05,466 --> 00:28:08,566
just sitting upright in the 
water, and as I approached

493
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,633
he had turned, and he was facing 
me, and he looked like he was

494
00:28:12,666 --> 00:28:16,633
smiling, but he was grimacing, 
and I looked down.

495
00:28:16,666 --> 00:28:20,900
The rice paddy was just boiling 
pink, muddy, dirty water.

496
00:28:20,933 --> 00:28:25,466
I had just blew his guts out 
and the instant I saw that...

497
00:28:28,433 --> 00:28:32,133
[with much emotion] 
I could do nothing 
but turn my back.

498
00:28:32,166 --> 00:28:34,800
He could have killed me. 
I didn't care.

499
00:28:37,833 --> 00:28:43,466
I just turned my back, and then 
he died a few minutes later.

500
00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:57,600
(Sebastian Junger) 
War is incredibly sad.

501
00:28:57,633 --> 00:29:02,066
I mean, war is heroic, 
it's scary, it's horrifying.

502
00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:04,800
It's all these 
big bold emotions,

503
00:29:04,833 --> 00:29:07,466
but it's also incredibly sad.

504
00:29:07,500 --> 00:29:11,700
And, um, sadness is 
a delicate emotion.

505
00:29:11,733 --> 00:29:17,200
And when I really connected 
with how, just, sad it is that

506
00:29:17,233 --> 00:29:21,466
human beings kill one another, 
just that the basic term--

507
00:29:21,500 --> 00:29:24,533
there's a bunch of boys 
on a hill,

508
00:29:24,566 --> 00:29:27,966
trying to kill a bunch of other 
boys on another hill.

509
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,466
That basic fact just crushed me.

510
00:29:40,433 --> 00:29:43,266
[chop-chop of the blades 
of a helicopter)

511
00:29:49,333 --> 00:29:52,333
(MJ Hegar) I was the new guy.

512
00:29:52,366 --> 00:29:56,566
I was one of the only people 
who hadn't had a rescue.

513
00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,700
So any time the radio crackled 
I was like, jump in,

514
00:30:00,733 --> 00:30:04,033
and I was kind of excited, 
you know, and

515
00:30:04,066 --> 00:30:08,000
I was in the shower, and I heard 
my radio go off

516
00:30:08,033 --> 00:30:11,500
and sure enough it was 
the launch code, REDCON-1!

517
00:30:11,533 --> 00:30:14,900
And I jumped out, I think I let 
a woo-hoo! out somewhere.

518
00:30:14,933 --> 00:30:18,166
I had my helmet on; 
I was really excited.

519
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:24,500
[gunshots and explosions]

520
00:30:24,533 --> 00:30:27,700
The LZ was under fire.

521
00:30:27,733 --> 00:30:30,600
We were supposed to wait 
until the fire got suppressed

522
00:30:30,633 --> 00:30:34,066
before we landed, but we didn't. 
We landed, we took him on.

523
00:30:34,100 --> 00:30:37,266
My medic is communicating to us 
on the radio, and he's saying

524
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:39,266
things like, 
we're code blue back here,

525
00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:41,433
which means he's lost his pulse.

526
00:30:41,466 --> 00:30:44,766
I looked at the pilot next 
to me, and he looked at me,

527
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:47,400
and he pulled 
as high as he could,

528
00:30:47,433 --> 00:30:50,400
as much as the engines could 
pull, and he just beelined,

529
00:30:50,433 --> 00:30:52,366
no tactics, no worrying 
about getting shot down,

530
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:54,500
just beelined 
for the Role 3.

531
00:30:54,533 --> 00:30:58,200
My medic got him back, said I've 
got a pulse, he's doing

532
00:30:58,233 --> 00:31:02,233
CPR in the back and uh, 
we got him to the Role 3.

533
00:31:02,266 --> 00:31:07,833
They took him in for surgery 
and lost him.

534
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:11,466
[with much emotion] 
And I tell this story

535
00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:16,700
as a penance to myself because 
the guilt over being excited

536
00:31:16,733 --> 00:31:20,000
to have a mission and 
understanding now

537
00:31:20,033 --> 00:31:23,600
that as a medivac pilot 
when you get a mission

538
00:31:23,633 --> 00:31:25,800
somebody else is having 
a really bad day.

539
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:49,600
In Hue city, we went in 
with 53 Marines.

540
00:31:49,633 --> 00:31:51,066
[loud explosion]

541
00:31:51,100 --> 00:31:54,400
After the first day, 
we had 28 left.

542
00:31:54,433 --> 00:31:57,700
We lost 23 the very first day.

543
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:05,800
At daybreak, we were in a house,

544
00:32:05,833 --> 00:32:09,300
and the Vietnamese was 
right across the street.

545
00:32:09,333 --> 00:32:12,900
And it's probably 50 feet, 
maybe--

546
00:32:12,933 --> 00:32:15,633
very, very close, very close.

547
00:32:15,666 --> 00:32:18,533
I went to the window to shoot,

548
00:32:18,566 --> 00:32:21,466
and when I stepped 
around the window,

549
00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:25,766
that's when I got one right in 
the chest, right in the center.

550
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:30,533
It felt like, um, somebody 
had taken a hot spit

551
00:32:30,566 --> 00:32:34,433
like you put on a barbecue, and 
just stuck it through your chest

552
00:32:34,466 --> 00:32:37,166
and left it there.

553
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,400
They put me on 
the back of the tank.

554
00:32:40,433 --> 00:32:44,100
I thought the ride was 
going to kill me then,

555
00:32:44,133 --> 00:32:47,266
there's no rubber, 
it's all metal track.

556
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:49,933
And it was just constant 
beating, vibrating,

557
00:32:49,966 --> 00:32:53,433
and I had busted up ribs 
and chest,

558
00:32:53,466 --> 00:32:55,833
and that was what was 
hurting so bad.

559
00:32:55,866 --> 00:32:58,166
It was really hurting.

560
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,066
At the MASH unit, 
I'm laying there,

561
00:33:02,100 --> 00:33:06,600
and one of the corpsman says, 
"This one's not dead yet."

562
00:33:06,633 --> 00:33:08,900
And I thought to myself,

563
00:33:08,933 --> 00:33:11,833
Well, that poor son of a bitch 
must be hit bad,

564
00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:14,666
if he says "not dead yet,"

565
00:33:14,700 --> 00:33:18,266
Well, I didn't know 
that he was talking about me.

566
00:33:18,300 --> 00:33:23,866
They had put me in a body bag 
with the other Marines that,

567
00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:27,033
you know, were already expired 
and stuff.

568
00:33:27,066 --> 00:33:30,133
Thank goodness somebody 
unzipped it!

569
00:33:39,866 --> 00:33:42,566
We used to put all your 
personal property

570
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:45,766
in an ammo can, in the bottom 
of the rucksack.

571
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,566
And there was a method 
to the madness,

572
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,033
so that if you got killed 
or wounded,

573
00:33:51,066 --> 00:33:53,466
people could just 
pull out the can,

574
00:33:53,500 --> 00:33:56,133
and this is what you sent home.

575
00:34:04,533 --> 00:34:09,100
I actually made some phone calls 
to people to say good-bye.

576
00:34:09,133 --> 00:34:11,900
Because I prepared myself 
to not come back.

577
00:34:17,566 --> 00:34:20,833
(Karl Marlantes) 
It was a terrible experience--

578
00:34:20,866 --> 00:34:24,000
seeing your friends mutilated.

579
00:34:24,033 --> 00:34:29,633
It's the bigger motivator 
than saving your own skin.

580
00:34:29,666 --> 00:34:33,066
There's 101 ways of saving 
your own skin in combat.

581
00:34:33,100 --> 00:34:35,400
But most people don't do it,

582
00:34:35,433 --> 00:34:37,466
because you wouldn't let 
your friends down.

583
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:39,433
It's a form of love.

584
00:34:39,466 --> 00:34:42,199
I mean, I'm not 
going to let you down.

585
00:34:42,233 --> 00:34:45,333
I am going to have your back-- 
and you'll have mine.

586
00:34:45,366 --> 00:34:49,433
That's a fate worse than death 
is to get into combat

587
00:34:49,466 --> 00:34:53,300
and let down the very guys that 
trusted you, trained you,

588
00:34:53,333 --> 00:34:56,066
and are standing there 
fighting right by your side.

589
00:34:56,100 --> 00:35:00,266
To let them down is worse than 
any death I can imagine.

590
00:35:00,300 --> 00:35:04,766
It was an intensely 
rich brotherhood,

591
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:10,300
based on a lot of suffering, 
you know.

592
00:35:10,333 --> 00:35:13,000
I've never felt that close 
to anyone,

593
00:35:13,033 --> 00:35:16,200
I mean, I'm not even that close 
to my wife,

594
00:35:16,233 --> 00:35:18,400
compared to the love I had 
for my brothers.

595
00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:24,600
[with much emotion] 
I love those people

596
00:35:24,633 --> 00:35:27,466
as though they were birthed from 
the same parents.

597
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,566
We've seen and done

598
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,666
and been through 
a lot of stuff together,

599
00:35:32,700 --> 00:35:37,300
that not even my biological 
family can ever understand.

600
00:35:37,333 --> 00:35:39,033
(Sebastian Junger) 
Tim Hetherington was my friend,

601
00:35:39,066 --> 00:35:40,800
he was a photographer.

602
00:35:40,833 --> 00:35:42,800
I convinced him to join me in

603
00:35:42,833 --> 00:35:45,100
a film project I wanted to do,

604
00:35:45,133 --> 00:35:46,466
which eventually became 
our movie "Restrepo."

605
00:35:46,500 --> 00:35:49,266
We had a sort of special bond

606
00:35:49,300 --> 00:35:52,233
where when we were together, 
we looked out for each other,

607
00:35:52,266 --> 00:35:54,266
and the military calls it 
battle buddies,

608
00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:56,600
like, everyone has 
a battle buddy, well,

609
00:35:56,633 --> 00:36:00,233
Tim was my battle buddy, even 
though I didn't carry a gun.

610
00:36:00,266 --> 00:36:04,666
Tim and I were supposed to be on 
assignment together in Libya.

611
00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:07,866
At the last minute 
I couldn't go.

612
00:36:07,900 --> 00:36:12,433
I was in New York with my wife, 
in our apartment,

613
00:36:12,466 --> 00:36:15,866
and the phone was ringing, 
and it was a mutual friend

614
00:36:15,900 --> 00:36:18,033
saying that Tim 
had been wounded.

615
00:36:18,066 --> 00:36:19,733
And I was pretty optimistic-- 
some other journalists

616
00:36:19,766 --> 00:36:21,666
had been wounded, 
and it was a tank round.

617
00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:23,933
They said it was a tank round, 
and I thought

618
00:36:23,966 --> 00:36:26,500
it had to have hit their, 
the house that they were in.

619
00:36:26,533 --> 00:36:29,666
So tank rounds aren't that 
powerful, I bet he's all right.

620
00:36:29,700 --> 00:36:32,533
And then within about 
a half an hour,

621
00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:36,733
it was confirmed 
that he was killed.

622
00:36:36,766 --> 00:36:40,133
I suddenly understood what the 
soldiers were talking about.

623
00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,500
In combat, 
if your buddy was in danger,

624
00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:47,433
you would give almost 
no thought to your own safety

625
00:36:47,466 --> 00:36:50,066
in order to help that person,

626
00:36:50,100 --> 00:36:52,900
which made it my failure

627
00:36:52,933 --> 00:36:56,233
that I hadn't protected him-- 
on some level.

628
00:36:56,266 --> 00:36:59,833
I should've been there, 
it should've been me.

629
00:36:59,866 --> 00:37:02,666
I should've been there to save 
his life, it should've been me,

630
00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:05,300
maybe I would've been killed 
and not him.

631
00:37:05,333 --> 00:37:08,300
On some level, I was in New 
York, my buddy was in Libya,

632
00:37:08,333 --> 00:37:11,366
and he got killed, and I'm okay.

633
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:13,866
How do you live with yourself?

634
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,600
I think about guys that died,

635
00:37:25,633 --> 00:37:28,366
like my radio operator,

636
00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:33,166
I don't know, 3 or 4 times 
a month, he'll come to mind,

637
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,866
I'll just think about, 
his name was Thomas.

638
00:37:35,900 --> 00:37:38,733
I was the one that sent him 
on this ambush.

639
00:37:38,766 --> 00:37:41,800
We wanted to, 
when we took a hill, I knew

640
00:37:41,833 --> 00:37:45,066
where the NVA were going to go, 
because I'd been there a while,

641
00:37:45,100 --> 00:37:47,700
and I knew there's only 
one place they can escape.

642
00:37:47,733 --> 00:37:49,833
I said, Thomas, 
I want you there with a squad

643
00:37:49,866 --> 00:37:52,000
with a machine gun to kill 'em.

644
00:37:52,033 --> 00:37:55,100
He was in the jungle, trying to 
work his way into a position.

645
00:37:55,133 --> 00:37:57,966
I said, they're leaving, you got 
to get going, you got to move,

646
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,366
you got to move, 
'cause we're gonna miss 'em.

647
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,866
I was, I was in, I mean, 
my blood was up, 'cause I'd

648
00:38:03,900 --> 00:38:06,366
just finished the assault, 
we were still firing, in fact.

649
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:10,533
And he wanted to do a good job, 
and so, he broke cover with,

650
00:38:10,566 --> 00:38:13,500
from the jungle, 
and to move up into position.

651
00:38:13,533 --> 00:38:16,366
Three RPGs, rocket-propelled 
grenades, they had rockets,

652
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:21,033
two of them hit the squad 
and killed Thomas.

653
00:38:21,066 --> 00:38:23,500
Warner, who was 
a machine gunner,

654
00:38:23,533 --> 00:38:27,133
I remember him coming up to me 
with Thomas on his shoulders,

655
00:38:27,166 --> 00:38:29,000
and he just dumped him there.

656
00:38:29,033 --> 00:38:32,600
And I go, like, wow.

657
00:38:32,633 --> 00:38:36,400
I bet you, I bet you Warner 
thinks I killed him.

658
00:38:36,433 --> 00:38:39,633
And I carried that guilt 
for so many years.

659
00:38:39,666 --> 00:38:42,333
You do get so close to people.

660
00:38:42,366 --> 00:38:45,933
I mean, it's, I mean, Thomas 
saved my life one night

661
00:38:45,966 --> 00:38:49,033
because I had gone into 
hypothermia, and I was

662
00:38:49,066 --> 00:38:51,833
shivering so violently, 
I, I couldn't control it.

663
00:38:51,866 --> 00:38:56,033
And uh, he knew what hypothermia 
was, so he just grabbed me

664
00:38:56,066 --> 00:38:59,433
and went to the ground with me,

665
00:38:59,466 --> 00:39:03,833
and hugged me for about 
20 minutes to heat me up.

666
00:39:03,866 --> 00:39:08,133
How close can you? You can't 
get any closer than that.

667
00:39:08,166 --> 00:39:11,900
[with much emotion] I mean, I 
start to cry about it even now,

668
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,800
and uh, and he's gone.

669
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:22,533
When you're looking 
at your buddy

670
00:39:22,566 --> 00:39:25,466
who is missing half his body...

671
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,166
it's a whole different level 
at that point.

672
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:33,433
They took someone that

673
00:39:33,466 --> 00:39:36,233
you care about, someone who

674
00:39:36,266 --> 00:39:39,800
you depended on 
in many respects,

675
00:39:39,833 --> 00:39:43,866
and you want to make them pay 
for taking that person.

676
00:39:43,900 --> 00:39:47,166
When you get to the point 
where it's payback time

677
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:51,133
and you want to go out there, 
and you want to kill a gook,

678
00:39:51,166 --> 00:39:53,900
you want to, you want to get 
some revenge or whatever,

679
00:39:53,933 --> 00:39:56,200
you can't wait to get out there.

680
00:39:56,233 --> 00:39:58,166
(man) over there, there's 
openings in the windows!

681
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,366
Gunner!! [loud machine gun fire]

682
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,100
[loud rushing sound 
of a flame thrower]

683
00:40:19,766 --> 00:40:22,100
We got somebody!

684
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,133
War is an assault 
on your senses,

685
00:40:27,166 --> 00:40:30,033
including your sense of 
right and wrong.

686
00:40:30,066 --> 00:40:33,733
You don't want to admit that 
you're becoming this animal

687
00:40:33,766 --> 00:40:37,166
where it's uncaring 
and unfeeling,

688
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:40,000
but at the same time,

689
00:40:40,033 --> 00:40:44,666
you're tired of being tired, 
you're scared of being scared.

690
00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:49,033
[with emotion] 
You can't take it no more, man, 
I'm tired of being scared!

691
00:41:02,033 --> 00:41:04,866
[extremely loud explosion]

692
00:41:04,900 --> 00:41:07,733
(man) Get out! Get out! Get out!

693
00:41:07,766 --> 00:41:13,333
One time, the enemy spent 
the night building car bombs,

694
00:41:13,366 --> 00:41:16,466
and there were 6 
in 15 minutes.

695
00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:21,033
So we show up, and the pieces 
of the bomber

696
00:41:21,066 --> 00:41:22,866
were thrown everywhere 
and anybody

697
00:41:22,900 --> 00:41:26,000
that happened to be on the 
street right there

698
00:41:26,033 --> 00:41:28,433
was thrown everywhere, and 
the trees-- we looked around--

699
00:41:28,466 --> 00:41:30,333
the trees are singed black

700
00:41:30,366 --> 00:41:32,666
but then right across the street 
from it,

701
00:41:32,700 --> 00:41:35,433
all of these women are--

702
00:41:35,466 --> 00:41:38,266
they're the family members 
of the victims,

703
00:41:38,300 --> 00:41:41,700
whoever was on the street 
in that area.

704
00:41:41,733 --> 00:41:44,033
And they want to know 
what happened, of course,

705
00:41:44,066 --> 00:41:46,100
and we're there to know 
what happened.

706
00:41:46,133 --> 00:41:49,266
The thing blew up 10 minutes 
ago, and the women

707
00:41:49,300 --> 00:41:51,333
are screaming, and I'm trying 
to pick up evidence.

708
00:41:51,366 --> 00:41:55,633
And just the women 
never stopped screaming.

709
00:41:55,666 --> 00:41:59,733
I could not hear myself think.

710
00:41:59,766 --> 00:42:02,800
I couldn't hear anything 
but the shrieking,

711
00:42:02,833 --> 00:42:06,700
I can't talk to my team, 
and I can't gather the evidence,

712
00:42:06,733 --> 00:42:10,566
I can't figure out what's going 
on, the radio is squawking.

713
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:13,933
There's still, you know, there's 
another bomb that goes off,

714
00:42:13,966 --> 00:42:16,033
then there's another one 
waiting for us.

715
00:42:16,066 --> 00:42:19,700
We're behind, and the women 
never stop screeching,

716
00:42:19,733 --> 00:42:22,700
and I had a moment 
where I thought

717
00:42:22,733 --> 00:42:26,800
if no one else will shut them 
up, I will shut them up.

718
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:40,966
And this was the lowering 
of that bar

719
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,700
and lowering of the threshold, 
and what am I capable of?

720
00:42:43,733 --> 00:42:47,900
And I am just like 
some kid from Buffalo,

721
00:42:47,933 --> 00:42:51,133
good Catholic kid 
from Buffalo,

722
00:42:51,166 --> 00:42:56,166
and the U.S. government 
gave me this rifle

723
00:42:56,200 --> 00:43:00,733
that is sitting right here, 
and they gave it to me

724
00:43:00,766 --> 00:43:03,400
because there would be times 
I need to shoot people,

725
00:43:03,433 --> 00:43:06,533
and this is one of those times.

726
00:43:06,566 --> 00:43:10,600
What bothered me afterwards is

727
00:43:10,633 --> 00:43:13,966
what I learned about myself 
that the things I didn't think

728
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,333
I was capable of, 
I am capable of.

729
00:43:17,366 --> 00:43:20,966
I'm as capable of doing all 
these things as anybody else.

730
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,100
My god-given conscience

731
00:43:24,133 --> 00:43:27,966
was not going to stop me 
from doing these things.

732
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:31,300
I don't know what stopped me.

733
00:43:31,333 --> 00:43:35,800
And that's when I knew 
that I had to leave.

734
00:43:48,333 --> 00:43:53,033
[acoustic guitar; 
softly finger-picking]

735
00:43:53,066 --> 00:43:56,866
[playing The Rolling Stones 
"Play with Fire"]

736
00:43:56,900 --> 00:44:00,333
(Mick Jagger) 
♪ Well, you've 
got your diamonds ♪

737
00:44:00,366 --> 00:44:04,100
♪ And you've got 
your pretty clothes ♪

738
00:44:04,133 --> 00:44:08,300
♪ And a chauffeur 
drives your car ♪

739
00:44:08,333 --> 00:44:12,233
♪ You let everybody know

740
00:44:12,266 --> 00:44:16,700
♪ But don't play with me

741
00:44:16,733 --> 00:44:19,166
♪ 'Cause 
you're playing with fire. ♪

742
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:22,200
When I came home, 
I spent a lot of nights

743
00:44:22,233 --> 00:44:26,000
sitting in the dark at home, 
at mom's house,

744
00:44:26,033 --> 00:44:28,766
and mom would come in sometimes, 
2 or 3 in the morning,

745
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:31,366
and I'd be sitting up, 
and she'd say,

746
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,700
"Honey, you've got to put that 
behind you. It's over."

747
00:44:33,733 --> 00:44:37,400
And I said "No, I said 
no, it's not over."

748
00:44:37,433 --> 00:44:41,433
And I remember sitting there at 
the breakfast table one morning,

749
00:44:41,466 --> 00:44:44,433
and she said, "Ronnie, 
I miss the old Ronnie."

750
00:44:44,466 --> 00:44:47,566
I looked at her. I said, "Mom,

751
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:52,966
I want you to know right now, 
that guy was killed in Nam,

752
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,800
and he's not coming back."

753
00:44:58,433 --> 00:45:04,000
(Lisa Crutch) 
Prior to me going overseas 
I was a different person.

754
00:45:04,033 --> 00:45:08,066
I was Lisa but when I got 
overseas I'm Sergeant Crutch

755
00:45:08,100 --> 00:45:10,733
and the transition 
from Lisa to Sergeant Crutch

756
00:45:10,766 --> 00:45:14,566
for me is very easy-- 
I can do it just like that.

757
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:17,266
but transitioning from 
Sergeant Crutch to Lisa

758
00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:20,233
is very difficult.

759
00:45:20,266 --> 00:45:24,033
The memories from Iraq, 
they're still so fresh

760
00:45:24,066 --> 00:45:28,233
that I pushed everything else 
in the back of my mind.

761
00:45:28,266 --> 00:45:30,633
I couldn't remember things 
that I've done with my family.

762
00:45:30,666 --> 00:45:32,533
My kids would even show me 
pictures.

763
00:45:32,566 --> 00:45:35,133
Mom, remember 
when we did so and so?

764
00:45:35,166 --> 00:45:37,933
We went so and so, 
and I couldn't recall it.

765
00:45:37,966 --> 00:45:41,233
It was like I see myself 
in the picture but I had

766
00:45:41,266 --> 00:45:43,200
no recollection of ever 
being there with them,

767
00:45:43,233 --> 00:45:45,633
but if you ask me anything

768
00:45:45,666 --> 00:45:48,800
that I did or what happened 
overseas in the military

769
00:45:48,833 --> 00:45:51,500
I can tell you everything 
I did in Iraq.

770
00:45:51,533 --> 00:45:54,133
Some things 
I can even tell you the dates

771
00:45:57,733 --> 00:46:00,033
(Karl Marlantes) 
I stuffed it down,

772
00:46:00,066 --> 00:46:02,533
but it came back.

773
00:46:11,266 --> 00:46:14,833
I'm on I-5, driving, 
it's 2:00 in the morning.

774
00:46:14,866 --> 00:46:18,800
It's probably about 1990, 
I mean, you know, 25 years,

775
00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:21,600
'75, '85, about 15 years 
after the war,

776
00:46:21,633 --> 00:46:25,000
and uh, 2 in the morning, 
and all by myself,

777
00:46:25,033 --> 00:46:28,733
little bubble, I got country 
music on the radio, I-5,

778
00:46:28,766 --> 00:46:34,433
I'm on a mission, then those 2 
eyes come up in the windshield.

779
00:46:34,466 --> 00:46:38,700
That was how long it took me 
to finally start to understand

780
00:46:38,733 --> 00:46:41,833
that I had actually 
killed a human being.

781
00:46:41,866 --> 00:46:45,433
That was the first time 
that I had, uh,

782
00:46:45,466 --> 00:46:48,366
ever even had a symptom 
of post-traumatic stress.

783
00:46:51,866 --> 00:46:55,900
(Sebastian Junger) 
The crisis of killing 
and being killed is over,

784
00:46:55,933 --> 00:46:59,066
so the stakes feel lower 
when people come home,

785
00:46:59,100 --> 00:47:02,100
but really, if you follow 
veterans through their lives,

786
00:47:02,133 --> 00:47:04,000
the stakes aren't over.

787
00:47:04,033 --> 00:47:06,700
I mean, there are 
enormous emotional,

788
00:47:06,733 --> 00:47:09,766
psychological burdens to 
engaging in war, if you are

789
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:11,200
not properly reincorporated 
back into society.

790
00:47:14,466 --> 00:47:18,566
The truth about war is very, 
very ugly, and on some level,

791
00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:21,666
people don't want 
to know about the ugliness.

792
00:47:21,700 --> 00:47:24,766
We're talking about human lives, 
both American and foreign,

793
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:27,266
and so it's a conversation 
that has to happen.

794
00:47:31,500 --> 00:47:33,600
I wasn't allowed 
to talk about anything.

795
00:47:33,633 --> 00:47:36,133
Anybody, even my own father 
didn't want to hear

796
00:47:36,166 --> 00:47:39,466
what I had to say about it-- 
Oh, I don't want to hear it.

797
00:47:39,500 --> 00:47:43,033
I went, oh? I had all this 
I wanted to share but I mean,

798
00:47:43,066 --> 00:47:45,966
even my friends didn't want 
to know what I had to say,

799
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:47,800
and I'm like, okay. 
So you just hold it in.

800
00:47:50,500 --> 00:47:52,733
Probably 1981, 1982,

801
00:47:52,766 --> 00:47:55,900
I was playing soccer 
with my son and

802
00:47:55,933 --> 00:47:58,866
I wasn't even thinking about 
the war or anything.

803
00:47:58,900 --> 00:48:01,766
We were playing soccer, 
and we had this pear tree

804
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:04,166
with low limbs, a lot of wind-- 
the leaves were shaking.

805
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:06,533
The trunk 
and the limbs were blowing,

806
00:48:06,566 --> 00:48:08,666
a lot like helicopter wash.

807
00:48:08,700 --> 00:48:12,733
My son had on his soccer-- 
he was like 10 maybe-- he had on

808
00:48:12,766 --> 00:48:16,433
his soccer shorts, they were 
black and shiny, and he ran up

809
00:48:16,466 --> 00:48:19,100
in that pear tree to get 
the soccer ball, I was gone.

810
00:48:21,900 --> 00:48:25,533
[with much emotion] 
I wasn't there anymore...

811
00:48:25,566 --> 00:48:27,566
and it really scared me.

812
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:31,133
I mean, I don't know how long 
I stood there

813
00:48:31,166 --> 00:48:33,600
smelling and feeling the heat,

814
00:48:33,633 --> 00:48:37,900
but suddenly when I was 
back in the United States,

815
00:48:37,933 --> 00:48:41,700
my son was jerking on my arm 
going, "Dad, Dad, Dad."

816
00:48:41,733 --> 00:48:44,833
I'm like, oh, 
it scared me so bad.

817
00:48:44,866 --> 00:48:48,266
I have a Ka-Bar, 
I had a little survival rifle.

818
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:52,433
I took them and I hid them 
as far in the back of my garage.

819
00:48:52,466 --> 00:48:55,566
I made it as difficult 
to get to those as I could.

820
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:58,133
And that started happening 
a lot.

821
00:49:02,900 --> 00:49:05,833
(MJ) When people say "Thank you 
for your service," most vets

822
00:49:05,866 --> 00:49:08,633
will probably tell you this, 
it's a very awkward moment.

823
00:49:08,666 --> 00:49:11,466
I don't want to be thanked-- 
what do you say, you're welcome?

824
00:49:11,500 --> 00:49:13,900
I don't know how 
to receive that.

825
00:49:13,933 --> 00:49:17,300
It's, oh, you're a hero! 
Thank you for your service,

826
00:49:17,333 --> 00:49:20,400
no no no, 
because I'm just doing my job.

827
00:49:20,433 --> 00:49:23,500
It always made me feel 
a little bit uncomfortable,

828
00:49:23,533 --> 00:49:27,633
because I always knew what I was 
like inside, and you know,

829
00:49:27,666 --> 00:49:31,166
if I was shooting at somebody, 
or shooting a gun,

830
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:34,633
or calling some artillery, or 
whatever, I did it with malice.

831
00:49:34,666 --> 00:49:39,466
I did it with hate. You know?

832
00:49:39,500 --> 00:49:42,300
And here's somebody thanking me 
for that, some lady's like,

833
00:49:42,333 --> 00:49:45,133
"Oh, thank you for your 
service," and I'm like, lady,

834
00:49:45,166 --> 00:49:48,066
if you knew the monster 
that lived inside of me,

835
00:49:48,100 --> 00:49:51,466
you would not want to be even 
near me right now.

836
00:49:59,033 --> 00:50:01,266
My mother-in-law and her husband

837
00:50:01,300 --> 00:50:05,266
wanted to take us out 
to a nice dinner.

838
00:50:05,300 --> 00:50:08,433
So me and my wife go out 
with them, and we're in

839
00:50:08,466 --> 00:50:11,100
a very nice restaurant, 
a nice steak place, so I'm

840
00:50:11,133 --> 00:50:13,700
at this restaurant, and I've got 
this $50 piece of meat

841
00:50:13,733 --> 00:50:16,233
that you can cut with a fork. 
Right?

842
00:50:16,266 --> 00:50:19,400
And I, suddenly, it just washes 
over me, I felt guilty that I'm

843
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:21,966
fixing to eat this $50 steak 
with a fork,

844
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,566
not even need for a knife, 
it's so good.

845
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:28,500
And I look around at all the 
people in the nice restaurant,

846
00:50:28,533 --> 00:50:31,600
and I'm like, wow, these 
people don't have a clue!

847
00:50:31,633 --> 00:50:35,133
They have no idea what's going 
on in this world.

848
00:50:35,166 --> 00:50:38,700
They're sitting here without 
a care in the world,

849
00:50:38,733 --> 00:50:41,866
eating $50 steaks, and there's 
some 20-year-old kid

850
00:50:41,900 --> 00:50:45,066
trying not to get killed 
halfway around the world,

851
00:50:45,100 --> 00:50:47,433
eating a black-bean enchilada 
out a frickin' MRE.

852
00:50:47,500 --> 00:50:49,600
I f---in hate civilian life.

853
00:50:49,666 --> 00:50:52,800
[laughs] I mean, it sounds 
horrible, but I do.

854
00:50:52,866 --> 00:50:55,366
I mean, don't get me wrong,

855
00:50:55,433 --> 00:50:58,200
I wouldn't go back 
to the military.

856
00:50:58,266 --> 00:51:01,866
It controls your life way too 
much, but you don't have

857
00:51:01,933 --> 00:51:03,933
the same brotherhood 
or camaraderie,

858
00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:08,100
or just 
goal-oriented posturing--

859
00:51:08,166 --> 00:51:10,866
purpose that you have 
in the military.

860
00:51:10,933 --> 00:51:11,933
Civilians don't have it at all.

861
00:51:13,900 --> 00:51:18,266
One thing about Nam, 
about military service

862
00:51:18,300 --> 00:51:23,000
in those situations is, you know 
somebody's got your back.

863
00:51:23,033 --> 00:51:26,166
In the world, it's dog eat dog.

864
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:27,966
There's not that, 
that comradeship.

865
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:29,866
There's not that love.

866
00:51:29,900 --> 00:51:33,366
There's not that 
I've got you covered

867
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:39,033
I wish more of the American 
public understood war

868
00:51:39,066 --> 00:51:43,166
the way that warriors 
understand war,

869
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:47,800
because we would be much more 
frugal as a nation

870
00:51:47,833 --> 00:51:51,866
in our use 
of young women and men

871
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:55,800
who are dying right now still.

872
00:51:58,566 --> 00:52:00,933
(Sebastian Junger) 
I think the great struggle

873
00:52:00,966 --> 00:52:03,966
for families and friends of 
veterans is how to gain

874
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:06,300
access to what 
their loved one went through.

875
00:52:06,333 --> 00:52:08,200
Civilians don't even understand

876
00:52:08,233 --> 00:52:11,000
that they have permission 
to ask the question.

877
00:52:11,033 --> 00:52:14,466
To me it's very important to 
tell your story,

878
00:52:14,500 --> 00:52:17,700
to tell my story and other 
veterans to tell their stories,

879
00:52:17,733 --> 00:52:19,833
because they just 
want to be heard.

880
00:52:19,866 --> 00:52:21,833
We just want to be heard.

881
00:52:21,866 --> 00:52:24,766
Nightmares, not having anyone

882
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:29,300
be able to understand 
what we went through.

883
00:52:29,333 --> 00:52:33,900
It's a wonderful thing when, 
when someone can give you

884
00:52:33,933 --> 00:52:38,033
their details, because when 
we're able to give our details

885
00:52:38,066 --> 00:52:42,433
and the person that we're 
telling it to receives, there's

886
00:52:42,466 --> 00:52:46,600
a sense of no judgement-- 
hey, you're safe here--

887
00:52:46,633 --> 00:52:51,000
you're more than welcome 
to pour, put it all out there,

888
00:52:51,033 --> 00:52:53,066
because we want to know, 
genuinely,

889
00:52:53,100 --> 00:52:56,200
and when we're able to do that,

890
00:52:56,233 --> 00:52:59,466
we start to feel safe, 
we start to forgive ourselves.

891
00:53:02,266 --> 00:53:05,333
For the men and women 
who fight war, it is

892
00:53:05,366 --> 00:53:07,600
a deeply personal experience 
that leaves them changed

893
00:53:07,633 --> 00:53:09,766
for the rest of their lives.

894
00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:13,800
So when you engage in stories 
about war, along with

895
00:53:13,833 --> 00:53:17,533
some great sadness and ugliness, 
you are seeing some of

896
00:53:17,566 --> 00:53:20,966
the most noble and admirable 
human traits on full display.

897
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:23,933
The act of sharing and listening 
to war stories

898
00:53:23,966 --> 00:53:26,466
can be a profound and potent way

899
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:28,500
to incorporate warriors 
back into civilian life.

900
00:53:28,533 --> 00:53:30,366
It's what tribal societies 
have done

901
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:32,200
since the beginning of time.

902
00:53:32,233 --> 00:53:34,500
It's what Homer did 
in Ancient Greece.

903
00:53:34,533 --> 00:53:38,433
It's what every single healthy 
society has always done

904
00:53:38,466 --> 00:53:41,133
when its warriors 
have returned home.

905
00:53:41,166 --> 00:53:44,933
I call it turning, ah, 
your ghosts into ancestors.

906
00:53:44,966 --> 00:53:48,066
Ghosts are 
what run our lives

907
00:53:48,100 --> 00:53:51,533
because of these things 
that we've done.

908
00:53:51,566 --> 00:53:54,500
But you can't let them haunt you

909
00:53:54,533 --> 00:53:57,000
because you'll never 
outrun them.

910
00:53:57,033 --> 00:54:00,466
What you did in war will always 
be a part of your past,

911
00:54:00,500 --> 00:54:02,700
part of what defines you.

912
00:54:02,733 --> 00:54:06,100
But when you tell your story 
without fear

913
00:54:06,133 --> 00:54:10,133
and others listen without 
judgment, we all become whole.

914
00:54:44,233 --> 00:54:46,800
Going to War

915
00:54:44,233 --> 00:54:46,800
is 
available on DVD

916
00:54:46,866 --> 00:54:51,666
To order, visit shop.PBS.org 
or call 1-800-PLAY-PBS

917
00:54:51,733 --> 00:54:55,100
Going to War

918
00:54:51,733 --> 00:54:55,100
is also available 
for download on iTunes

919
00:54:55,166 --> 00:54:58,400
For a deeper look inside 
the veteran experience,

920
00:54:58,466 --> 00:55:01,866
visit 
pbs.org/goingtowar